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Advice I Have Recieved Off Of One Issue! Feed Back Please.

Ok, So I have been seeking advice from several people on here and I want some opinions on what everyone thinks about the advice I have been given, So here is how this will work, I will post my story and the responses. This may take some time to read but I would love for everyone to check it out and let me know what you think….

Here is my Story:

I am having a hard time right now. Before I get started about it all, I want to make it clear that I am not going to leave the man I am with, I am just asking for advice as to how to cope with the issues. I have tried seeking advice from several others and their only answer is leave. Well I dont want to leave because I love the man. Can you agree to not use that option for advice?

Ok I met this guy when I was 18 and he was 37, and It was Love at first site for me. However I watched my parents cheat on each other all the time all growing up and therefore I didn’t really understand why it was so wrong, so I cheated on him 6 times within the 1st year of us being together. Kissing only 4 of them and more than that with the other 2. I’m not saying I am not wrong for doing what I did and I would change it all if I could. But saying that you will understand the trust issues that will come up later in this convo from his point of view. Him being older is a little old fashioned about life and relationships and I knew this going into it. After the 7th time I cheated he left me, and 3 weeks after that we were back together and agreed to put it past us with him being able to go through my phone any time he pleased and allowed to bring it up when he felt it to be necessary. I agreed to these terms. And for 4 years everything was perfect, then he stopped having sex with me because I was not taking birth control. (I couldn’t afford to buy it.) He refused to do anything else with me either so it became very hard to deal with because you know I have needs. Well After 8 months of no intimacy I began to be interested in a guy at work I was attracted to and Went and had drinks with him. Didn’t do anything at all but after I started to head home I felt so bad about it that I called my love and told him what I did, and now the trust issues are even worse now. (Again this is my own fault not his and I am not trying to place any blame on him one bit.) Well we went one year with no intimacy and that sucked and now we have had sex twice in the last 6 months and I am very bothered by this because there are tons of things we can do without getting pregnant. All of that is one Issue..

Another issue would be how he is old fashioned about everything, for example he expects me to keep the house clean and laundry done (Which is not a problem it should be done you know.) But I work 40 hours a week I am tired by the time I get home, I feel like he doesn’t think I do anything all day. Let me explain what all he does and you will understand why he seems to act this way. He owns several rental properties that usually need a lot of work done with them, and he does all of the manual labor on them. Plus he owns a few businesses and usually deals with them 24/7 on top of being stressed because we are so close to losing everything we have or being a millionaire, we are on the line or he is anyway. He invested all of his money into something that should have been and immediate return and it didn’t end up working that way because someone got greedy and took claim to it when they had none. So there was the beginning of a 2 year lawsuit. That tied up all money so he owes a ton of money to several different people and montages, on top of trying to make sure my daughter and I are being taking care of. He is overly stressed out all the time because of these reasons and he is really close to his mom and she is coming close to her last days you know, he is having a hard time dealing with this. He has a 23 year old daughter that refuses to talk to him and will not give a good reason why. That breaks his heart. Mine too because I know how much he cares for her, She was brain washed by her mother which is such a sick thing to do to your children. My mother tried to do this with me and her and I lived with my Dad, I have no respect for any parent that does this to their children just to be selfish. The kids are smart, if there is a reason not to like the parent they will figure it out on their own. So with this all being said, when I don’t do something, Like Laundry, he gets angry, not to the extent to be abusive but just shows his anger and we don’t get along when this happens. He wants things perfect and I’m not that type. We have lived together almost 3 years and its really stressful at home when this happens. If I leave the house in the mornings sometimes and there are Dishes in the sink, he will walk out to my car before I am able to leave and get onto me about it. I mean really, why make a big deal out of it. I am a procrastinator and he wants and does things the moment they need to be done. I don’t. Another reason he thinks its ok to be this way is he pays all of the bills and for some reason makes this perfectly clear to me that I don’t. I make just enough money to pay my car payment, insurance, gas, childcare, phone, and lunch every day. After that I have nothing left over, He always throws this in my face like I don’t care or something. When the truth is I feel so shameful for not being able to help. It hurts so bad when he throws this in my face, he will say things like “well you don’t pay the bills I do” Anytime I get upset about anything at all he can’t handle it. I cry really easily and this drives him crazy to the point he just shuts me out. Which makes me hurt more. So any time we argue he wins because he throws in my face I DON’T HELP OUT FINANCIALLY OR THAT HE HAS NEVER CHEATED ON ME. He uses those two things against me on a regular basis. The cheating thing I can’t say much about because I know I screwed up. But the money thing hurts my feelings so bad, how can I overcome this, I tell him flat out how it makes me feel when he says it but he doesn’t seem to budge.

Issue number 3: From day one he has always been a man of free will. Meaning he does as he pleases and hangs out with his friends whenever he wants. He will flat out leaves the house and not tell me. However this has happened since day one and it is just who he is. I can’t change him even if I wanted to, My concern with this one is I don’t have any friends and he doesn’t trust me to much so I have shot my own self-esteem out of whack. I am lonely. How do I deal with this?

I love him with all of my heart and always have. I have learned some hard lessons in the past 6 years but I do know I love him, and I know he loves me. So how can I get over the things that bother me. I feel like he is just trying to mold me into the person he wants me to be. Which are a lot of traits I would like to have but some I think are over the top. Please help me cope with these issues.


1) This is the first response I received back:
Honestly, I think that his anger is more a sign of exhaustion. With all the stress that he's going through. All the responsibilities, his plan that had gone down the drain, the time he has to put into it to correct it. It does a number on him. I think it would be wise if he'd find a way to relax. Maybe see a psychologist. If he keeps this up, though. He will run into a burn-out, so he does need to do something about it.

You clearly love him, if he treats you like that and you continue to stay with him. I don't doubt that. But you have to understand that cheating breaks the trust in a relationship. Even if he says he forgives you, he will always question your actions. It will still gnaw on his soul. I don't know if you've openly talked to him about it, but it might be a good thing to do. Wether or not he'd like to hear it. You two have to get it out of your system if you want to continue the relationship. Trust and honesty are the foundation for a relationship, it's something that has to be fixed.

Also know that communication is essential in a relationship. Him being far older than you, should know this too. He is an adult and should know that he has to at least tell you where he's going. Leaving like that, without giving any details, can cause doubts and worries for you aswell.

Furthermore, you two should definitely discuss your roles when it comes to the household. He can't just expect you to constantly do everything while he, for example, watches TV. You both work alot, so it would only be fair if the tasks get split between the two. And also, try to discuss your wishes with him. If things bother you, let him know. he obviously loves you too, so this should matter to him.


2)This is the second response I got, The answers are the CAPS:

Ok Darling, thanks for asking my opinion again and running this by me. And, for calling me 'babe' !?
yes I had heard much of this, there are a couple of new points.
While I am a little exasperated with you and your ( new stance, not your original 'thinking of leaving'...), I do like you a lot and want to stay your friend, and plaything/chat partner. I also would LOVE t o give you many more *******. SO i'm not going anywhere.....
SO ,HERE GOES:
(YOUR LETTER/MY RESPONSES):
I am having a hard time right now. Before I get started about it all, I want to make it clear that I am not going to leave the man I am with, I am just asking for advice as to how to cope with the issues.AS I SAID YOU DID NOT MAKE THAT 'CLEAR' A WEEK AGO...YOU "WERE THINKING OF LEAVING". I have tried seeking advice from several others and their only answer is leave.
OUR ONLY ANSWER WAS >NOT< ' TO LEAVE' ! MANY OF US, I KNOW I DID, SAID--OK--STAY WITH HIM BUT HAVE SEX ELSEWHERE.....Well I dont want to leave because I love the man. Can you agree to not use that option for advice?

Ok I met this guy when I was 18 and he was 37, and It was Love at first siteSIGHT!! for me. However I watched my parents cheat on each other all the time all growing up and therefore I didn’t really understand why it was so wrong, so I cheated on him 6 times within the 1st year of us being together. Kissing only 4 of them and more than that with the other 2. YOU WERE 18! YOU KISSED A FEW BOYS! THAT'S NOT CHEATING. YOU DID NOT LIVE WITH HIM THEN,ETC.....I’m not saying I am not wrong for doing what I did and I would change it all if I could.WHY?!?!?!?!??!?! AGAIN YOU WERE A T EENAGER-DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT THIS PART! But saying that you will understand the trust issues that will come up later in this convo from his point of view. Him being older is a little old fashioned about life and relationships and I knew this going into it. After the 7th time I cheated he left me,YOU DIDN'T CHEAT 7 ******* TIMES!!!!!! and 3 weeks after that we were back together and agreed to put it past us with him being able to go through my phone any time he pleased and allowed to bring it up when he felt it to be necessary. I agreed to these terms. And for 4 years everything was perfect,REALLY ?!?!?1 PERFECT?!? then he stopped having sex with me because I was not taking birth control. (I couldn’t afford to buy it.) OK--NOW T HIS PART IS PURE BULLSHIT. YOU CAN/COULD HAVE A) GOTTEN THEM FOR FREE AT THE HEALTH CLINIC OR B)PRINCE ******* CHARMING COULD HAVE EASILY PAID FOR THEM!!!!! SUCH A BULLSHIT EXCUSE ( BUT IT SEEMS YOU FELL FOR IT. I AM SORRY.He refused to do anything else with me either so it became very hard to deal with because you know I have needs. Well After 8 months of no intimacy I began to be interested in a guy at work I was attracted to and Went and had drinks with him. Didn’t do anything at all but after I started to head home I felt so bad about it that I called my love and told him what I did,THAT WAS UNNECESSARY . YOU DIDN'T **** THE GUY, YOU DIDN'T BLOW HIM. HE DIDN'T FINGER YOU. BUT BECAUSE THE OLD MAN HAD BERATED YOU ENOUGH YOU FELT GUILTY!!! FOR NO REAL REASON.....
and now the trust issues are even worse now. (Again this is my own fault not his "NO!!!!! HE H AS PLENTY OF BLAME HERE!!!!" and I am not trying to place any blame on him one bit.YOU SHOULD.) Well we went one year with no intimacy AGAIN--WOW HE IS A GENIUS!! and that sucked and now we have had sex twice in the last 6 months and I am very bothered by this because there are tons of things we can do without getting pregnant.OF COURSE THERE ARE--BUT DOES HE DO ANY OF THEM??? YET YOU STILL CODDLE HIS LAME ***. All of that is one Issue..

Another issue would be how he is old fashioned about everything, for example he expects me to keep the house clean and laundry done (Which is not a problem it should be done you know.) But I work 40 hours a week I am tired by the time I get home, I feel like he doesn’t think I do anything all day. YOU REFUSE TO TELL ME WHAT PART OF THE COUNTRY YOU LIVE IN, BUT HE IS A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THIS OUTDATED THINKING. Let me explain what all he does and you will understand why he seems to act this way. He owns several rental properties that usually need a lot of work done with them, and he does all of the manual labor on them. Plus he owns a few businesses and usually deals with them 24/7 on top of being stressed because we are so close to losing everything we have or being a millionaire,(??//IS 'THIS' THE REAL REASON YOU ARE STICKING IT OUT.....FOREVER?" JUST SAYIN') we are on the line or he is anyway. He invested all of his money into something that should have been and immediate return and it didn’t end up working that way because someone got greedy and took claim to it when they had none. So there was the beginning of a 2 year lawsuit. That tied up all money so he owes a ton of money to several different people and montages, on top of trying to make sure my daughter and I are being taking care of. He is overly stressed out all the time because of these reasons and he is really close to his mom and she is coming close to her last days you know, he is having a hard time dealing with this. He has a 23 year old daughter that refuses to talk to him and will not give a good reason why. That breaks his heart. Mine too because I know how much he cares for her, She was brain washed by her mother which is such a sick thing to do to your children. My mother tried to do this with me and her and I lived with my Dad, I have no respect for any parent that does this to their children just to be selfish. The kids are smart, if there is a reason not to like the parent they will figure it out on their own.THIS SENTENCE FROM YOU , IMPRESSED ME! YOU ARE A SMART WOMAN AND I BET YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOMMY. So with this all being said, when I don’t do something, Like Laundry, he gets angry, not to the extent to be abusive but just shows his anger and we don’t get along when this happens. He wants things perfect and I’m not that type. OK. SO HE WANTS TO CHANGE YOU, YET HIS RIGIDITY MAKES ANY CHANGE FORM HIM ' OUT OF THE QUESTION'?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?? WRONG!
We have lived together almost 3 years and its really stressful at home when this happens. If I leave the house in the mornings sometimes and there are Dishes in the sink, he will walk out to my car before I am able to leave and get onto me about it.OK THIS IS WHEN YOU SAY TO HIM : " LOOK ************--DID YOUR MOMMY NEVER TEACH YOU HOW TO WASH A ******* DISH?? GO WASH THEM YOURSELF, I HAVE TO GET TO WORK!" THEN YOU DRIVE AWAY........
I mean really, why make a big deal out of it. I am a procrastinator and he wants and does things the moment they need to be done. I don’t. Another reason he thinks its ok to be this way is he pays all of the bills and for some reason makes this perfectly clear to me that I don’t. I make just enough money to pay my car payment, insurance, gas, childcare, phone, and lunch every day. After that I have nothing left over, He always throws this in my face like I don’t care or something. THIS IS TERRIBLE AND WRONG OF HIM. THIS IS ALSO A PART OF YOU THAT CONCERNS ME. YOUR YOUNG AGE DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO SEE HIS BEHAVIOR THE WAY MY 57 YRS OF LIFE SEES IT. HE IS A CHILD- BUT IN HIS MIND--YOU-- ARE THE CHILD, AND HE IS THE 'GROWN UP'. IT'S PART OF THE POWER PLAY. YOU HAVE GONE ALONG WITH IT, SO WHY SHOULD HE CHANGE NOW....? When the truth is I feel so shameful for not being able to help. It hurts so bad when he throws this in my face, he will say things like “well you don’t pay the bills I do”
IF HE LOVED YOU ( THE WAY YOU MAKE BELEIVE HE DOES!) HE WOULD NOT DO THESE THINGS TO YOU!!!!
AND AFTER 6 ******* YEARS-- THIS ISSUE SHOULD BE OVER.Anytime I get upset about anything at all he can’t handle it.
AWWWW-ISN'T HE SUCH A POOR BABY!? I cry really easily and this drives him crazy to the point he just shuts me out.WELL THAT IS MATURE OF HIM! Which makes me hurt more.I AM SORRY DEAR CLAIRE.So any time we argue he wins because he throws in my face I DON’T HELP OUT FINANCIALLY OR THAT HE HAS NEVER CHEATED ON ME. He uses those two things against me on a regular basis. BECAUSE H E IS AN ******* AND A FOOL.............WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT.The cheating thing I can’t say much about because I know I screwed up. But the money thing hurts my feelings so bad, how can I overcome this, I tell him flat out how it makes me feel when he says it but he doesn’t seem to budge.
ALSO;WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE " THAT HE'S NEVER CHEATED ON YOU?!?!" NONE.

Issue number 3: From day one he has always been a man of free will.
AGAIN--BECAUSE HE IS 'THE DADDY' AND YOU ARE THE (NOT LITERALLY!) 'LITTLE SLAVE/GIRL YOUNGSTER' WHO HAS TO RELY ON HIM FOR ALL YOUR SHELTER AND NEEDS. WHICH HE DOLES OUT WITH NO CONCERN FOR YOU!!!! Meaning he does as he pleases and hangs out with his friends whenever he wants. He will flat out leaves the house and not tell me. ISN'T THAT CONVENIENT FOR HIM?However this has happened since day one and it is just who he is. I can’t change him even if I wanted to, My concern with this one is I don’t have any friends
CLAIRE!!!!" WHY"-- DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY FRIENDS?!?! BECAUSE HE DOES NOT ALLOW IT??! THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE !! GET SOME FRIENDS.
MAKE SOME FRIENDS. DON'T **** THEM, BUT CREATE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF OTHER THAN WORK/YOUR CUTE DAUGHTER/AND PLEASING THIS *******!!! and he doesn’t trust me to much so I have shot my own self-esteem out of whack. I am lonely. How do I deal with this?
YOU DO WHAT STEVE SUGGESTS......... YOU HAVE TO( I'LL SAY THIS WITH RESPECT, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE ABOVE AVERAGE IN YOUR THINKING,AND IN YOUR LIFE THAN YOUR AGE SUGGESTS).....BUT YOU HAVE TO GROW UP A LITTLE AND SEE THAT YOU ARE PUTTING ALL OF YOUR ( AND BABY) LIFE IN HIS HANDS. AND HE 'DOES WHAT HE WANTS'.
SO , WHEN THE DAY ( MIGHT!!) COME THAT WHAT HE WANTS IS TO LEAVE YOU--- YOU WILL NOT BE PREPARED SINCE YOU HAVE RELINQUISHED SO MUCH TO PLEASE HIS CHILDISH A ND FOOLISH WHIMS!!!!!! LOOK AROUND AT THE WORLD. IS THIS HOW HAPPY, HEALTHY PEOPLE LIVE.....?
IT IS LIKE YOU ARE IN JAIL. HE SOUNDS LIKE A HICK AND A BABY.

I love him with all of my heart and always have.ALWAYS, HUH?!?!? LOL I have learned some hard lessons in the past 6 years
BUT WHAT THE **** HAS 'HE' LEARNED.......?!but I do know I love him, and I know he loves me. So how can I get over the things that bother me. I feel like he is just trying to mold me into the person he wants me to be.AGAIN--HE GETS TO MOLD- AND YOU GET TO DO NOTING!!!!! IS THAT RIGHT? IS THAT LOVE? Which are a lot of traits I would like to have but some I think are over the top.
SADLY ASSWIPE IGNORES WhAT YOU SAY TO HIM, BECAUSE HE HAS TRAINED YOU TO BE WHO HE WANTS.Please help me cope with these issues.
OK. NOW KISS ME!!!!!! I SHOULD NOT BE FEELING THIS PASSION ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LIFE. BUT I DO.
SUCH A PRETTY GIRL.......................!!!XOXO ( don't worry !)


3) This is the 3rd response I got:

Your story sounds like that of someone who doesn't want to move because their afraid to be on their own...only you don't realize you wouldn't be because you have a daughter and obviously are able to start other relationships.

That being said, its time you have a serious talk with him.

I know all about having "needs". No birth control is not an excuse not to show intimacy. First off there are a lot of clinics that hand out free condoms. Secondly ask yourself the following: why hasn't
he bought you any type of birth control? It doesn't matter his age he should have an interest in sex. How is he being sexually satisfied? Is it not odd that the person who loves you isn't urging for intimacy? What is going on with him in that department? Is there a medical issue with him or is he lying and getting it else where? My husband jokes that as punishment he isn't going to have sex with me and all though its funny I don't see how this wouldn't be punishment for him too.

The cheating and throwing it in your face...here is how my husband and I sealed with it or more how I handled it...I took him back. It wasn't really proven that he did actually cheat on me but I decided that since I took him back I accepted his mistake so now I have to live with it. I don't throw it in his face, i agreed to get back with him and if I brought it up every argument it would just make my life as much as his miserable. I'm not saying **** I'll be ok with him doing it again but I did decided we would avoid the subject until we could both talk about without yelling, arguing, etc. once we did we would only discuss it once and would not be brought up. I didn't exactly trust for a long while but I held my tounge. It took me four years to actually believe that he was at Walmart when he said he was going to Walmart that no he wasn't at some girls house. Your guy has to learn to trust you, he can't babysit you it not good for the relationship. Clarify this for him.

As for him throwing the money issue in your face, well that's more clarifying to do. He wants you by his side as his companion so he shouldn't expect a maid. The money you make is for things he can't buy you otherwise he is responsible for your well being but he's not your dad so tell him that he doesn't need to be pointing out that you are living under his roof and rules rather this is a partnership and you will get things done and at times will need his help doing them.

As for him leaving when he wants, put a stop to it now. No he is not a free man.p, your not his boss but he owes you respect and needs to give you your place in the relationship and that means taking into account your plans for the day, week, month etc. he needs to take into account how you feel. You are suppose to be doing most things together.

You don't have friends, and it shot down your self-esteem? Well let me be your friend and say yes, your self esteem is shot. So much sonata you've neglected yourself. This guy is trampoline all over you. Your relationship is turning into a father-daughter type .

You say you love him, are you sure? Seriously ask yourself that. Have you had any other relationships. Because if you haven't (having slept with someone is not a relationship) than how do you know you are being shown any love at all. If you love him and don't want o leave him than clarify for him how how this relationship and his behavior and attitude have change. If he cares about you he will try and make the changes for the better without you having to sell yourself short. Set your foot down. Just because you cheated doesn't mean you should be pushed around.
Watch out, he is running a border with domestic abuse. He is looking for ways to control you. If your shaking your head no, we'll then stop. Yes he is. Maybe he doesn't mean to do it and he is just scared you'll cheat on him again but he is doing it.

Talk to him. Bring all this up. Look strong emotionally and mentally. Set some ground rules. See how he reacts to all this. Take it from there.

Let me know what happens

Claire56 Claire56 22-25, F 2 Responses Oct 4, 2012

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Your man is an immature, abusive, controlling ******* who seems to have already checked out of the relationship. You can do better on a slow night at the bowling alley.<br />
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You need to sort out these issues or get away from him for your own sake and that of your child. <br />
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Putting up with this kind of crap is not the sort of example you should be setting. <br />
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Do you want your daughter to end up in a similar situation and think it's all she deserves or that it's alright?<br />
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I'm sorry to put it that way, but that's what you're doing by staying.

Wow.. That's a really long post.