My Phd Husband...

I met my husband 5 1/2 years ago. He was in year 4 of his PhD and he was teaching the summer class I was in. (Everything was kosher: I pursued him, and only after final grades were released. While in class, I don't think he even knew who I was; the class wasn't my thing, I was in a party phase of my life and was thus hungover most of the time... oh well, you only live once!) He had two kids from a previous (short-lived) relationship.

When we started dating, he was TAing or teaching every semester and still had grants, I was still a student being supported by my family. We kept very separate finances, as we were still new to the relationship.

Year 2: I graduated but had an unfortunate medical setback and so didn't work for 6 months, but again, my parents stepped in and supported me, the grants ran out for him but it wasn't the end of the world: he was still TAing or Teaching each semester for the 2nd year. We lived a bit more frugally, but did just fine. Our finances were slightly more combined.

Year 3: I got a full time job, he worked one semester that year. My parents helped out by making up the difference (I love you mom and dad). I was now paying the rent, but he paid most bills, I bought most of the food, and all of the clothes and gifts for his kids. I started writing him cheques so he had cash.

Year 4: I was still employed full-time, with a raise. He worked 1 semester. My parents paid off his bank loans and credit card debt ($50,000) but left his gov't loans untouched. I was now paying rent, most bills, all kids clothing and gifts. I continued to write him cheques.

Year 5 (now): He worked a total of 5 weeks this year, plus a few translation gigs I gave him through my company. He finished his PhD after 9 years at it (Don't get me wrong. I am so proud!) I got another raise and now pay our mortgage (I sold my condo for the downpayment and my dad was our guarantor for our mortgage) plus all the bills (including his cellphone) and buy all food and gifts. I have backed off on the cheque writing for him, but it's only resulted in me directly paying for more. The only thing I don't pay for is the interest on his gov't loans.

He is teaching next semester and is applying for a few jobs for 2014, but I am at a loss. He wants to work, but only if it's teaching at university. When I bring it up, he gets mad at me and says he feels bad as it is and doesn't need me on his back. He won't get a "menial" job (as he puts it) (eg. as a waiter) because he spent too damn long on his education.

Am I a fool? Have I been taken for a ride? Please be frank.
rebcca rebcca
26-30, F
Nov 2, 2012