Logic Doesn't Want To Apply

I was six the first time it happened. Six. He was 14. Even to this day, I still look back and think it was my fault. I went back to his house many times. I knew what was going to happen when I went back. I knew what was going to happen if I told also. I feel bad for blaming the inner child, but I feel that I could have stopped it from happening. I shouldn't have gone back, I should have told someone, I should have fought him...it feels like I let it go on for over four years...
monsterwithinme monsterwithinme
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 7, 2012

You are still suffering the most common part of the turmoil that is often not talked about. A pleasurable sensation is a pleasurable sensation. Period. To a child a good cookie is a good cookie and a child wants more even if they are told it is not good for them. The child is not to blame for eating the cookies, the adults are to blame for not doing what is best. Especially with such a weird foreign situation as molestation or sexual abuse, how could a child reason with everything that is happening to them? Plus... add to the issue that kids FOREVER have been 'playing doctor' and going on to lead happy, sexually healthy, adult lives. You were both children. You were finding some pleasure in what was happening. It is in your past. A child cannot be blamed for their childlike decisions. Try seeking out a good counselor and to understand how to deal with it, live with it and most importantly forgive yourself and live happily. Good luck, I'm rooting for you!

I wouldn't call it "playing", but thank you for your advice