Problems With Boyfriend's 20 Year Old Son

I met my boyfriend 3 years ago.  He asked me and my 12 year old son to move in with him about a year into our relationship.  My bf is everything that I have ever wanted in a man.  I don't think I have ever loved someone as much as I love him.  For the first year of our "co-habitation", everything was going great, blissful almost.  I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.  Then in December of 2008, his 20 year old son asked if he could move in with us.  He had been in trouble with the law and faced prison time if convicted.  He had disappeared out of his dad's life for almost a year until he got in trouble.  Since he is my bf's only son, how could he NOT let him come and live with us.  For the first several months, it was ok.  He helped out around the house alot.  He didn't have a job, because of the upcoming criminal trial.  Once the criminal proceedings were over (he only got probation) everything went downhill.  He laid around the house, left messes everywhere, order $249 worth of pay-per-view.  He then got a girlfriend and all of a sudden, she was hanging around the house all the time.  She even moved a bunch of her clothes in without even asking my bf or me.  She helped herself to food and MY stuff (shampoo, shoes, clothes,etc...) without asking.  They were not discreet with their sexual activities as well, even when my 12 year old son was in the room next to them. (i.e. in the shower, on the sofa etc...)  He really knows how to manipulate my bf as well.  He uses the guilt my bf has for not "being there for him" when he was growing up.  My bf and his son's mother were estranged when he was only 2.  What he doesn't realize is the mother kept them apart and my bf NEVER missed a child support payment.  For the last 9 months it just keeps getting worse.  I am miserable.   I go to the grocery store just to come home from work the next day to find the majority of food, GONE.  (12 Dr. Pepper's in less then 12 hours and all the evidence is laying around his room - 12 empty Dr. Pepper cans).  Then I find out that his girlfriend is now pregnant.    I just can't stand it.  When I mention my difficulties to my bf, he becomes very defensive and I feel like an outsider.  Mind you, I pay my way here, probably more than half because my bf always is bailing out his son with money for gas (for MY car) that he lets his son use, cigarettes, party money etc...  I have had enough!  When I laid down all my issues with this to my bf (in a non-confrontation manner) he just shut down and said "What do you want me to do?  I have a 1993 Blue Pontiac Sunbird which is in running condition and I gave it to my bf's son, he doesn't want it because it isn't cool enough.  He wants to continue to drive my 2004 Honda Accord, which my bf doesn't understand why I have a problem with him taking the vehicle all the time.   

I know my only options are to either accept it or move on.  I hate the thought of moving on because I love my bf very much and accepting it sounds like I have to just deal with something that is making me miserable. 

I am so confused as to what to do.  I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and either decision doesn't have a positive outcome. 

ValhalaNot ValhalaNot
41-45, F
4 Responses Sep 8, 2009

Leave and take the real man in your life with you in your own son.

move on been there dose not get better

I've read this story and there's no mention in there of your boyfriends opinion on the matter. Does he even know how miserable it's making you? Does he say anything on the subject, or are you not telling him anything in hopes he will notice on his own? You need to have a heart to heart talk to him. Nobody says he has to chose between you and his son. After you tell him everything there is no need for one of you to leave the house. If he cares about his son at all, he'll try to discipline him and teach him some manners, and there's no need for you to move out in the process. After all, you two are the adults here, and he's the child. Just because you're not his mother, doesn't mean you don't have to say in it. You live there, don't you? You opinion matters and you shouldn't let his son treat you like a doormat. It looks like your b/f is guilted into allowing his son to get away with anything, so it's time he opens his eyes. A 20 year old with a baby on the way is not a kid anymore, and he needs to learn some rules about being an adult.<br />
Sorry for the long post, hope it helped (in some way) :)

You sound as if you have had enough... so move on. I know that this sounds harsh, but if the boy is only 20, there is hope for him & if his father can truly help him, then his father should help him. Mind you, it sounds like his father in enabling him rather than helping him - but that's another story.To make a mother or father choose between a gf/bf or their child is cruel (IMO) and no good usually comes from the choice. Either the person chooses you and looses their child or chooses their child and looses you. No choice is good.On the other hand, if you can hang in there and figure out how to put limits on what your contribution to the household will be and develop a relationship with the son, within time life will probably get better. But a child who has been on the wrong road for as long as it seems this child has been won't move to the right road quickly - if ever. If you can hang in there for the long haul and be part of the solution, then great. Every child - even a 20 year old child - needs a parent. If on the other hand, you don't want to be involved in the drama that comes with a troublesome child, then move on. It will hurt now, but in the long run, it will hurt less.Good luck!