Learning To Live Again :)

I lost love at daybreak. The sun was rising upon the horizon and the world was mine to claim as my own. This was when my world ended, then is when I truly realized I had lost David. The night had been full of my horror-stricken screams and endless tide of tears, and finally an attempt to end my life. I took twelve pills of my sleeping meds, a hundred milligrams each, and just wished to forever lose myself in sleep. I had cried upon my mother’s breast, until I soaked her shirt, and scratched her arms with my nails as I screamed and pleaded, “Why and how come?” I had never felt this pain before in my life it was as if my heart had literally been torn out of my chest and slowly achingly been cut up before my eyes. That night, I screamed and cried until I lost my voice and my world went numb.
The next few days were a daze, wait, who am I kidding? The past few months have been a daze, yet it is starting the clear away a little. I will always cry every time I think of him, but I know we can never be, because well I cannot love and be with someone who doesn’t love their self. Since last September things inside of me has changed so much, for the best or for the worst I cannot yet tell you for sure. I know I am not the same. I know my heart is still broken. I know I am trying to forget the past year, and failing miserably. I will admit that since we have broken up I have become spiteful and hateful to my boyfriends. Most of the time in petty ways, but then they scare me. The past three rebound boyfriends since him have all told me they loved me in a short space of time, after this admission, I tried everything in my power to make them hate me, to make them go away, and to even humiliate them.
The fact that I have done this is so contradictory to my personality, because I am not a cruel person, in fact quite the opposite; I guess it’s just that I cannot yet get over the past year of hell. Whether you take into consideration the abuse at my father’s hands, my mother’s hands, heartbreak, being the first in college in my family, stress, nightmares, the inability to truly sleep, and lastly and most importantly, the lack of a true support system, I don’t know what set it all off. I don’t know why I act like I do. I don’t know why I paste on this fake smile until I mean it. I don’t know why I hate yet love everything with every breath I breathe. I don’t know why I am still standing here today. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. All I can honestly say I do know is that I am still here alive and kicking to be a pain in all of ya’ll a$ses. (Laughs)
I will admit that since David broke up with me I have found it easier to just be me, to embrace the act of stupidity, of playfulness, of fun, of forgetting everything for a moment to just be free, of just living in the moment. And I guess this is what makes everyone like me so much? I don’t know. To be honest, it kind of scares me, but then I am kind of not used to people liking me. (Smiles) I have just realized that everyone you meet during your lifetime comes into your life to teach you a lesson, no matter what hell they may take you through, you have to realize that in the end you will figure out it was all for something, not nothing! You have to realize that the act of not knowing is what truly defines fate for all eyes to someday clearly see. I have come to the realization that nothing is for sure, unless we make it for sure, and even then nothing is for sure. It seems to me that not a day goes past where I do not learn a major life lesson, and it just amazes me how much more a single stranger can teach me in a five minute conversation than my family ever really could. I guess what I am saying is that I am finding myself again. I am learning how to smile and laugh again, and truly mean it. I am once more opening to the possibility of letting people into my heart and soul once more. I hope this is the half way point to healed, but don’t let me jinx myself! Now all of ya’ll don’t come and sideswipe me off my feet just as soon as I get back to standing steadily on my own two feet again! (Makes Funny Face At All of Ya’ll)

-Mindy Brown

 

What You have to realize, is that you will forever love a lost love, but if you can hold on to them and be their friend, and just stand by and support them and just be happy....it is a great thing. is it painful? sometimes it makes me wanna cry myself to sleep, but i cherish our friendship. so i will be there for him and hope he will be there for me. i just, this is one person i am not willing to just give up on and walk away from and forget about...just like all the rest....idk....i dont want to be in a relationship with him, like love love anymore....in fact i am too scared to want to try again with him anytime soon or ever. i dont want to put so much time and love and emotions into another relationship only to fall and let my heart shatter just as soon as i had just gottten it patched up :) i guess all i have to say is that i am here, and things are barely going but they are going, and i guess that is what counts....even if i can never forget him or the sound of his voice in my ear, or the way his voice made my knees so weak and my head swoon, or how he made me feel like a queen among nothing :) and so much more...i miss him and i love him, but i have tried to transfer the old love into one of friendship love because i figured out that is the only way i can take being his friend and living day to day knowing what could have been...I am okay with that now.... :)

lilfallenangel lilfallenangel
18-21, F
4 Responses Feb 21, 2010

I know exactly how you feel and let me tell you that there is no day I don't long for his kisses and his text messages that used to wake me up every morning I miss him everyday he has stopped texting me it's been six months and las month I saw him with her and it broke my heart completely there is no day I don't think about him there is no day I don't pray for him and I wish him the best because after all my love was unconditional and is still is but I also have to live my life and enjoy my self I was a chaos I didn't eat for four months I don't even think I can sleep properly now I changed the happiness was soaked from me I was a walking zombie for four long months sometimes I put a smile but then there are days that I just walk to the park and I sit there and I cry I cry because it hurts the hole in my chest I still open and I pray to God to bring him back every day will he ever comeback I don't know only my God knows but I never loose hope I'm probably crazy I even thought about going to therapy but I feel like this shall pass I just don't know when or how

Yes they do, but only you can decide if that choice is truly what you want, and if you think hard enough on it, MOST of the time you will realize that that is not what you truly want. i wish you the best and anytime u wanna talk or if you want to add your story to this group, i would love to hear it. maybe you will teach me a few things, and maybe you will inspire someone else in due time **hugs** hope your night is good, ttyl hopefully. -Mindy

You are so strong to have learned so much thus far in your life, you look very young, I am 44 soon to be 45 in March and wish I had just a tiny bit of your wisdom,I too have ran men away cause i could not be with the one I truely wanted , but now I know i cannot make them all pay for his mistakes or mine, I will try to be thankful for another chance if the right one comes along.<br />
Thank you for sharing and stay strong you are an inspiration, the world is a big place but yet so many of us have so much in commen,thanx,<br />
Debra<br />
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P.S. And the suicide thoughts always remain but we have to remain too!

I feel like I healed alittle more since writing this....I feel better right now. It was good to get atleast a little of it off of my chest. :) -Mindy