She Shattered Me - Edited

I wrote out my heartbroken story already. I was devastated at the time though, it was day two of being single again. As there is a lot of emotion in my previous story I would like to make it clearer and tell it better...and much longer.

I must warn, to me it seems long.

This was my first lesbian relationship, I was with her for over 2 years. I made it more complicated than I should have made it.

My ex-girlfriend and myself grew up a few doors away from each other on a rez but we were never actually friends, we had our friends and different lives. I'm also almost 3 years older than she is so we knew who the other was but never really talked. Until...

How it all started was with a status on Facebook. She had said something like, "you like oranges and I like ....(something I don't remember what)... I wouldn't stop being your friend because of that." So I commented, "way to go" or something. I could see that she was clearly standing up for something she believed in but I don't know the story. She messaged me about 10-20 minutes later asking me if I even knew what she was talking about in the first place. I admit, I don't know what's going on but that I know she's standing up for herself. She sort of told me the story, stated that she tried coming out to one of her friends (no names mentioned) and it freaked her out so she said she would leave her alone until it passed (like a phase). This story didn't become totally clear until we were deeper into the relationship we later had. So we talked about her situation for a little while, I didn't talk about myself, seeing as this was about her. I was just taking in her story. This is the most me and her have ever talked to each other. As this goes on it's sounding as though she thinks I'm straight...I have to settle this, not because of our fate but because I don't want her to get me wrong. I tell her that I'm curious, I've wanted to experience being with a woman but haven't had the chance to yet. This sparks more interest. I tell her of my experience with one woman, we kissed but I was drunk. I admitted that I don't want to be drunk to experience anything with a woman. She admits that she thought I was straight, really straight. I say no, it's something I've always wanted to do. That seems to wrap up the conversation, we don't really talk again that week. It stays on my mind though.

I'm not living on the rez anymore, I'm living in town sharing an apartment with my older brother to help him out. He stays in his room so much, I have the living room and my TV to myself. Plenty of time to talk to her while this grows...

I'm a gamer, so I'm playing Modern Warfare 2 and have been making friends online who are more local. All these local kids love Kaleena (the one), she has a younger brother so her circle of people consisted of the younger locals. Anyways, they invite her into our matches to pick on her because she's forced to be on the other team. She's really cute, the way she reacts about it. "Geez you guys, I don't want to play against you!" and would leave. All the guys would start laughing and say, "invite her in again!" A few times we have room for her in the party so we would play these matches. I feel like I'm going to be addicted to her. She's funny and cute. I give in about 1-2 weeks into all of this and send her a friend request. Right away I get a message from her demanding an invite. I'm a sucker for things like that. So I invite her and we play. I leave and every time after that she wants an invite into the game, I fall into habit so quickly, every time me and her were online at the same time I would send her an invite and she would join. We would play the game together so much, we have each other on MSN Messenger to chat while we play or if we're not playing the game or say I'm watching a movie. We talk some more, find out more about each other, she even confirms with herself about my curiosity with woman. We are in so much contact with each other throughout these weeks, if we weren't playing online we were chatting on messenger or Facebook. We made some friends during this on Xbox Live from playing the game, we mess around with each others heads with dirty things (dirty talking, things like that but as a joke which wasn't as much a joke as we thought). It was fun making each other lose train of thought and concentration.

Eventually she invites me to a LGBT meeting, right away I'm nervous. I have to agree, I'm settling with who I am, whoever I am. I don't have any acceptance problems, my mom taught me that love is love. It's seeing her, actually seeing her. We still live close by to each other in town it's like a block and a bit away is all. We haven't actually spent any time together. Just been online. We agree to meet at the steps...this is where I work, my dad's coffee house. Just after hours. So we meet there, Kaila, Kaleena and myself. I have brought a 1L Nestea with me, they tell me that there's only one other woman at the meeting. The one who organizes them. We go up and sit down around a table, I get introduced and the lady makes sure she remembers the girls names including mine again. We make some small talk and then the lady admits to the group that she's nervous, so I play in and tell everyone that when I'm nervous I fidget a lot and drink more, that's why my iced tea is done already and why I can't put it down. We all laugh at ourselves and each other. Kaleena is so shy, it's so cute. She wore her cookie monster toque and it keeps falling into her eyes, she keeps it like that for most of the meeting. After some time of us sitting there spending time together it finally ends. All my attempts at nervous attempts at eye contact with her is almost over with. We help clean-up and go sit at the bottom of the steps. We are all quiet and shy with each other but we are all happy. Kaila sticks around for about 20 minutes and I keep Kaleena for another hour. It's cold, it's March 25, 2010. There's fog and then rain. My mind gets courageous and anytime I started to make a single move towards her to kiss her...nervous, my heart would pound, no guy has ever made me feel this nervous. My heart is pounding so loud and it's all making me so nervous that it's all I think about. I can't get myself to make the move and I know she won't ever go for it, not at this shy state. Finally while it's raining I say to her, "I know you've always wanted to kiss somebody in the rain" and pull her toque back out of her eyes and kiss her. Immediately we forget how cold we were. Immediately I feel that this is right. I let my hand go from her toque to her face as I am kissing her. It's like she has opened up to me, she's kissing back and she's loving this just as much as I'm loving it. Neither of us gives any sign of stopping. I remember that she's told me that she's afraid she will seem like a noob because she's only kissed two other people and didn't feel anything. I whispered to her, "You're definitely not a noob," my mind is blown, I'm lightheaded, my heart is racing. She's sitting, I put my hand on her leg to keep balance while seeming smooth and kiss her again, my hand starts to kind of wander from her thigh to her calf and back again. She has her hands on me, the arm of my hand that was holding her face and the other on my knee. We keep kissing, I don't want the moment to ever end. Somebody drives by and yells something...encouraging? I didn't really hear but we both turn and kind of giggle. I make eye contact with her again and move in for another kiss, she is as into it as I am. I stop and say that we should get going, take her hand to help her up and we start walking. It's so cold out, I forgot how cold it was. Started to shiver and part way on our walk I finally give in to myself and take her hand, it's late at night. Nobody is around. We get to where I live so we stop and she's the one who pulls me in for kiss, was a kind of quick one. I wanted it to last longer but if it did we wouldn't have gotten anywhere :) . She says good night and takes off right away. I remind myself that I must sleep and I have to work tomorrow.

We message each other when she gets home. She had a basketball tournament to go to the next day so we chatted when we could. I reassured her that I don't regret kissing her. Reassured her that it drove me crazy too. I was a fool through the next couple of months. I offered to be friends with benefits and so we did that for a while. Partly to help her with how shy she is. It helped but I should have asked her to be mine instead. We could have had a proper relationship. Anyways, her and her roommates ran into a problem with their place and had to move out ASAP so Kaila asked if Kaleena could move in with me and my brother. It'd only be for a month until they could find another place. So Kaleena and I talked about it, she tells me that she's already used to living in the living room so doing that was no problem. She didn't have much stuff to move, it was helping her best friend, Kaila, and Kai's boyfriend move out. This was at the end of April. We have messed around before she moved in, we cared for each other, looked out for each other when we had problems we ran into since the kiss. I agree that it's ok, I let my brother know and make sure that it's ok. He isn't really into it (he doesn't exactly know what me and her have been doing either) but he agrees anyways. She gets settled in not long after, maybe 5 days after we talked about it. Things carry on. I'm confused with myself though, I want more but is it right? I pull away from her more and more while I am trying to figure this out, she starts to tease me more (standing in front of the tv or poking me). I'm not really me though. I just don't know what to do. As I say, I've been a fool to not see she wanted more. I finally admit this to her on May 28th late at night. We talked about it for a while through FB and officially got together at 2:30ish am on the 29th.

We shacked up not long after that. It was so easy to because we lived together. We were crazy over the other, trying to keep my head was difficult. I let my heart take the lead. I didn't put myself together, I had my own issues that I ignored. I wasn't completely me when me and her got together. I was loving and caring, that's some of me yes. This shady me that I didn't get rid of kept sneaking herself into my life. I was needy, I wouldn't always listen when we fought, I would turn into this different person when we fought. The neediness snuck in on me in everyday life. Just needing her there, needing to know she is ok because where she works she can get hurt. She's a housekeeper at a resort. If she didn't reply when work was done I would give it about 20 minutes and I'd be worried. When she would reply and come home I'd be mad because she'd be ok. The real me would be happy to see that she's fine, she got some OT at work, that's great. No, I just got mad out of worry. Things like that. I don't know. There's so many factors and so many things that got complicated. I love her with everything I have though.

I don't know what happened on August 3, 2012...We went to Pride Vancouver though, myself, Kaleena, Kaila, their cousin and our best friend Mike. Kaleena had booked us for the street dance party, we drank a bit at the room before we left. Actually we had about 3 drinks really quickly, Kaila had me race her on one drink and she made sure mine was bigger. I won. I drank too much too fast I think because when we got there it was like I wasn't really there. Kind of like it was a dream. I don't know what happened to me. I wasn't paying attention like I usually would. We got our bracelets for the event and went in, walked a bit. There was a sampler stand so we sampled a wine and knew what we were having. It was good, Moscati, I think it was called. While I wasn't really paying attention I found myself by the table for the tickets to get drinks and heard that it was $20 for 3 so I took out my money and got that. That was all the cash I had and Kaila was holding onto my ID and debit card. I had Kaleena hold onto my tickets and we went for our first drink. Mike had needed to go to the bathroom so we walked with him back up to the porta-potties and waited. Somehow we lost him, I have no clue. This whole night was confusing. We walked back to where we were when he needed the bathroom and couldn't find him. All of us kind of waited in this spot to see if maybe he'd come around and he didn't. So we wandered a little bit again and got another drink. Then Kaleena needed to go to the washroom. We told her we'd wait in this one spot, we won't move and that she's gotta come right back. About 8 minutes passes by and there's no sign of her, the girls let me go try to find her. I walked all the way up to the porta-potties and did a U back to the girls from there. I couldn't find her. I was getting frustrated because it was like a pattern. At some point I lost the girls too...I was alone, I had no idea where anybody was and the only people with functioning phones was Kaleena and their cousin. I left my iPhone at the room so if I took it I would have at least been able to look for wifi to message Kaleena on her iPhone. Nope...I wandered up and down that ******* dance party trying to look for anybody I knew. Again, all I had was 75 cents in my pocket. I would wander to one spot, stop and look at everybody around me, wander a little further, stop and look at everybody around me. This went on for more than an hour. I am happy this was summer and that I was drunk because I didn't even have an extra shirt. I eventually got tired and was even feeling sore from all the walking and dodging of people. I found a big clearing near the gate, which was weird so I stopped next to a smoker, after a few minutes I gave in and offered my 75 cents to him for a smoke. I don't smoke, especially in this relationship. He just gave me one for free and lit it for me. I had the full thing and was contemplating asking for another one with the change but he walked away. There was a couple on the other side of me so I said to them, "I lost my spouse and my roommates, I don't know what to do!" and they replied with, "that sucks! Have fun! Hope you find them!" and then walked away after a couple of minutes. I figured I better give it another go, I'm getting tired and more sore. I wandered up the street some more and the smoke must of did me in more because the skunk was a haze in my memory but yes, there was a skunk at the party with 50 people around it freaking out. Anyways, I paused, scrunched my nose at it and started to keep going and then figured that maybe one of them might be in that crowd so I took a look at everybody, nope...no luck..walked some more and still no sign. **** it, I'm going to walk back to that clearing, gather my head again and go back to the room and see if I can borrow a phone call. I walked back and sat down next to a tree. Put my hands into my palms and rested my elbows on my knees. Why did this night turn out like this? How is it that I've wandered alone for this long? Why didn't I keep my ID debit card? I could have at least then found a way to get a hold of Kaleena or checked a club on the outside of the dance party. Why didn't I even keep my last ticket? At least I could have had a drink. I started to cry out of all the frustration and then I hear, "CATHY! ... CATHY!!!" I figure that I must really be hearing her so I look up and there she is. She's in the middle of the road making her way towards me with worry in her eyes. That smoke must have really done me in because instead of the relief of seeing her I got mad. All my frustration and those few drinks and a smoke brought out the worst in me. I don't even know who this is but I can't forgive myself. I start yelling at her though, "I have been so worried, where the **** did everybody go? Where is everybody? All I have is 75 cents in my pocket, I don't have ****! (Yadda yadda yadda)" and she is yelling back at me that it's not like she HASN'T been looking for me, she's been looking for everybody. That she found them but they left and then she found me. We argue...I blacked out. I know I yelled and yelled and yelled. I know I've said some very hurtful things because when I come back around again...She's crying. She won't come near me. I am in the middle of yelling "Maybe we shouldn't even be together, this is going nowhere!" I don't mean it, that's not my actual train of thought on any given day. I only want her, she's made me so happy...why am I yelling these hurtful things at her? I pause, I feel the anger in me. I black out again or something but each time I come back around again it's different...Where we are, what I'm yelling...the way she looks at me. What she says to me each time I come back around again what she tries to tell me is the same. To take the room key and go back. The drinks I have in me keeps the anger going...even though I have come back around again I don't want to go back. I don't want to...I just didn't want to face her with how I've acted. I continuously turn down the room key, she's trying to give it to me and send me back to wait while she finds everybody else. After an hour of this I finally take it...I finally go back...I've broken her heart...I did it. So I go back to the room and find Kai and their cousin sleeping already so I go back out and go to where I left Kaleena. She said she wasn't going to move right away. I broke her heart, she's gotta collect herself before she goes looking for anybody. I find her just in time, she was about to leave the spot I left her in, I tell her that the girls are back at the room already. I don't know where Mike is. So we start walking back but I did it in...she doesn't want to walk with me, I understand. I regret what I did right away because the walk to the room and back has brought me back again. I pause her, I apologize to her and promise to stay for the whole trip. I try to tell her I didn't mean it. I apologize again because the way she is looking at me is breaking me. She nods her head, kind of relaxes so I hold her hand. She accepts that. I tell her that "I'll still have to stay at my moms for a couple of weeks to collect myself again, I'm so sorry. I'll even stay a month if it helps us," I tell her. I am not completely back again because I don't exactly remember if I kissed her or her hand or if I kissed her at all, it was so late, I was so tired and sore and still coming out of it. I feel so bad. What did I say to her? I remember one of her replies to me was, "is that really what you think of me? The truth coming out now?!" I don't know...When we got back in she went to the bathroom right away. Didn't come out for about 15 minutes. She laid down with her back towards me, I knew then that I should just go to sleep without her comfort, I don't deserve it, I was horrible to her. I understand that she doesn't want me near her. I wake up, she tried getting out of bed quietly so I wouldn't notice and she went to the bathroom. I kept trying to fall back asleep. I didn't know how to feel or what to say to her or if it was right to show her I love her or what I had said. My memory...ugh my memory just confused me that morning. She came back out about 20-30 minutes later and laid back down, she also seemed confused and definitely hurt. I kept my distance. We shared the same bed of course but I kept my distance. At some point one of the pillows end up between us, something tells me that she did it. The longer we lay like that the more confusing it got and the more hurt both of us got. Mike came in from the drunk tank finally, told us his story, it was funny.

Anyways, we all tried to relax and stay in bed, we were all tired. Longer me and her lay there I was trying to figure out what to do. She kind of put her hand on that pillow but didn't grab my hand so I think it was just trying to see what the deal was. The 2nd time around when that happened I finally grabbed her hand. Eventually somebody went out for stuff at 7-11 and one was in the bathroom and the other was in the living room which was separate. She comes back in where the beds are and I make eye contact with her and apologize while I hold my hand out for her, she comes to me and she starts crying while I hold her. Mike kind of followed her and realized something was going on so he left us alone while we cried. I hold her tightly, tell her I love her, so much. Kissed her head and cried some more. It seemed things between us got back to normal again that day, eventually it was a pretty good day. That night was so much fun. She wouldn't really dance before that night but she danced, we danced almost the whole time we were at this club. I couldn't believe how much fun we had. Of the 5 of us who went on this trip together, on this night it was just me, Kaleena and Mike. We all had so much fun. I don't know...Aside from the street dance party that whole trip was good but it was that street dance party night where I ****** everything up. August 9th we had a fight. It was about various things but eventually that night came back up again...at the end of it she won't let me hold her or anything, she won't look at me...I pack up a bunch of clothes and tell her that I won't contact her until she's ready to tell me whether she still wants to be with me or not. I failed at not contacting her. I was desperate for her to take me back, that I've learned so much. I have taken in who I've become and can change that with more time and taking it slow with me staying at my mom's. I tried to reassure her of that. That this time away from her was different. I stayed away longer and opened my eyes to myself. I actually opened my eyes to who I've become and that I can make her happy again, I don't want to lose her. She wouldn't take it. On the 14th she told me she was ready to talk. I was scared. I was terrified that she would end it. I was desperate again and tried to tell her that I've learned...she was cold though. Anything I've said to her didn't matter, she didn't tell me this but I could feel it in those texts. We met up and right off the bat...she was cold. I tried to go hug her and nothing...looking into her eyes was different, being next to her was different. I started off talking. Telling her my process, how this is different and how sorry I am. Pleaded with her. She wouldn't have it though. We put each other through this kind of thing way too often and she was done with it all. She eventually said after all my pleading and explaining, "I came here with intentions of breaking up with you." I tried to fight for her. She wouldn't have any of it. I held her hand and she said to me, "why doesn't this feel the same then?" She was so cold with me. It hurt so much. I pleaded with her some more and even gently grabbed at her face, the reaction I was looking for, that she still loves me. Her eyes finally told me something but she put up her wall again by not talking. I cried, I found I was at the point that I couldn't stop crying. I found that there's no way I'm winning this time. I showed her what I've written in those 5 days I had to think to myself. Told her, "Regardless, Kaleena, I will always love you..." left a moment for anything for her to say...anything...nothing...I grabbed my book and said goodbye...walked away...I almost fell to my knees from devastation...

This hurts so much...Dreams of her break my heart when I wake up because the reality is, she's done with me. Once in a while I listen to "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer. I miss having her by my side, I miss holding her, I miss making her smile and laugh or when she'd do that for me. I miss playing the game with her. I miss eating, watching tv, driving...sleeping, everything...I miss it all. I had a couple of pretty good weeks and the past few days I have just been heartbroken again. Where I just want her by my side again but that's not the same story for her. I was her first, she deserves to see what else there is out there. I may not be her one, she may not be my one either but I've never felt such a connection and love with another person...
Raven2o11 Raven2o11
22-25, F
Sep 13, 2012