Post

Hurts Like Hell

My marriage collapsed on Christmas day and I just didn't see it coming, she told me she couldn't be with me any more, we've been together 6 years but only married for 14 months, a week later she tells me she's started to see someone else and that she did the right thing by ending it with me first, Jesus..all this in a week!! At first I didn't want to know who it was as all I would've done would have punched his lights out which wouldn't have resolved anything.
Now the hard part, I work in the same building as my wife, and also as I've since found out, her new man, there is no respite, no refuge as I see her every day, they have moved him onto the evening shift so our paths wouldn't cross but I am still so very angry.
My wife is moving out this weekend, she wants to be friends, I want her to be my wife, seeing these empty boxes around is breaking my heart, how on earth do I let go when I face it every single day, I don't want to leave my job as I worked hard to get the position, I feel like I'm losing my mind, she is going, but I would have her back in a heartbeat, the pain is unbearable.
My chest hurts all the time, I can't eat and need a drink to try and get to sleep, which is invariably around 4 hours a night at the moment if I'm lucky, as soon as I wake the pain starts again. I've never cried so much in my life
My life is spiraling out of control and I feel like I'm losing my grip, The house will be empty this weekend without her and knowing she will be with someone in her new flat as soon as she leaves kills me, this man is supposedly having marriage problems himself, and I know for a fact is telling my wife all the things she wants to hear, I just think it's too convenient and she is making a massive mistake, I concentrate on her life all the time, I find it hard to concentrate on mine.
Help!!!
adecentcurry adecentcurry 41-45, M 6 Responses Jan 23, 2013

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Another update...
My wife and this other man have split up, she realised it was a cry for help at a time when things weren't right with the marriage (apparently).
Anyway, we have been chatting and getting on very well over the last month or so,(she was still with him as far as I was aware at this point)
I had come to terms as best I could to accept the situation and we were able to build on a friendship. Two weeks ago she confessed that her new relationship was over and how much she hated him etc, I was pleased obviously but then started getting concerns that she was looking to come straight back and I'd be there to welcome her with open arms, even though all along this last month or so I've been saying we are great as friends and how happy I am with the relationship as it is.
However, last Thursday she asked me if we could try again! This hit me for six and my immediate emotion was anger,mainly because it has taken me these last four months to get to this point in my life where I'm happy after she betrayed me.
I knew if I told her I was only interested in us being friends for now then she would throw her dummy out of the pram and sure enough that's exactly what she did, exclaiming things like .." fine, we cant be friends, lets get divorced!" etc etc.
The next day she apologized profusely by text and said she needed no contact for a week to try and get to the same point in her life as I am. (Good luck with that in a week)

(I'm not sure if any of this is making sense to you reading it but I'm trying to explain as best I can)

I am now so confused because I'm missing her and yet only two days ago I wanted to be away from her because of the pressure of her proposal. Can anyone tell me what I really want from what I've written because I sure as hell don't know.

Do I want to give her another chance and just need time or am I in a place where I don't need her in my life or cant forgive her. I need to think clearly and some advice would be a great help.

I am so sorry for your pain. I know it is impossible to imagine but you WILL survive and you WILL be happy again.

Thank you so much for your replies,
here's the update. My wife left yesterday, the house feels very empty, the strange thing being that a sense of relief came over me, maybe this was because the strain of seeing her every day was causing me mental anguish more than I even thought, I'm literally crumbling
I awoke this morning and the loss swept over me again, I miss her, it feels like I have had my identity taken away, facing the world on my own seems quite daunting, she was my best friend and in my mind she still is, but when she called me yesterday to let me know she'd finished clearing her stuff out, I wished her all the best and told her that I would miss her...her response was 'I know you will' How cold and heartbreaking.
I never hurt my wife at all, we very rarely argued and were a solid unit, or so I thought until Christmas day, that's what makes this so hard, I just didn't see it coming, and I just cannot make sense of it, what did I do that made her have her head turned by someone with all the chat, I have also since found out by talking to a couple of women at work that he was 'chatting them up' almost from the first day he started there. I stupidly still feel protective over my wife as I know she will end up getting hurt by this man.
Time will be the only healer I know, it all just seems such a waste!

I'm so sorry. It's a shame she couldn't show a little more kindness when you told her you were going to miss her. My heart goes out to you...I don't know what's worse the pain from the loss of a relationship or the confusion, all the "whys?" that never get answered. I do hope as time goes by your pain lessens and you get stronger. Allow yourself to grieve, tak your time to heal, lean on friends & family and stay busy (hug)

Time does heal the wound. Unfortunately for her karma will come around once she sees the grass is not greener. Even more unfortunate is that you will probably already be over her and in love again once she realizes it.

Find out how to get ahold of his wife. Maybe you two can come together on a similar situation. Im sure you are going through the same pain.

I'm wondering if his wife even knows, apparently my wife tells me he hasn't told her yet or left her

Oh my God....your pain is so deep and raw and I am so very sorry for that. The separation is bad enough, but having to see her daily at work too?? That is terrible. The pain can be so overwhelming, but you can get through it. Allow yourself to grieve. This is your relationship and yor life so you need to grieve. Try to stay busy. Staying busy will give your mind a break from thinking about things. Lean on friends & family. They care about you and will support you. If you don't feel like you can truly open up to them for some reason, reach out to EP...just getting things off your chest and talking/chatting with others who have also had painful experiences can help. Stay strong...you will get through this. I hope things work out for the best for you (hug)

Thank you so much

Buddy, I'm younger than you and haven't been married, but I know what you are feeling.

The first thing I need you to do is grab something. A shirt, a pillow, a bundle of socks... anything that you can make a fist around.

Now, I want you to squeeze that ball of whatever it is you have, make that fist as hard as you can while thinking about the pain you are feeling. Visually, see yourself holding on painfully to this woman. When the pain is too much... let go. Let the item fall to the floor.

Your life is not spiraling out of control, but it sure does seem like it. And it will feel like that for sometime. I will tell you what others will probably say to you in this time.

Focus on yourself. You can rationalize, you can psychoanalyze her as to why she would make a move like that, but let me tell you something... you are in control of how you feel right now. You deserve a partner, a Life time partner, not someone who is going to up and leave you for someone she thinks is 'better' or a 'new thing'. Believe me, you deserve better.

Of course, I don't know what you did. You could have gotten in a fight with her and threw a jar of Pig boogers at her car; the thing is, that you are hurting and it is normal to feel that way.

But DRINKING IS NOT GOING TO HELP. I'm going to say this to you: Be a man, take the pain without the liquor. You are stronger than this and you are not proving anything to anyone by downing alcohol.

Acknowledge that you are hurt. If you got close friends and family, go to them for support. Get out of the apartment and spend time with people that you are close to. Yeah, you'll come home to an empty apartment, but you'll know the next day you can hang out with those that are close to you.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, man, but you've got to understand this pain. She hurt you and it looks like she is moving on without you. If that is the case, respect her wishes, and now respect your own and move forward. That's what you would've done if she were with you. Hell, that is what you'll be doing if I told you that someone better, more loving, more caring, and even more beautiful than that 'wife' of yours will come to.

But you need to focus, let this pain out, deal with it responsibly, and grow. You've got lots of people here on EP, online, around your area (If it gets really bad, talk to a Therapist; there is no harm in seeing one; f*** what the media says) and you'll get through this.

Focus on you. She left you. Not her. It'll be her decision, her problems in Life to deal with. Not yours. Peace.

Thank you, there are a lot of wise words in your reply, the hard part is that I never did anything to hurt her and cannot understand this, we were solid (or so I thought)