I Am Heart Broken
He came to pick up his things last weekend. We missed each other on Friday night. I was gutted, i so wanted to see him still. I miss him, i still love him and i still want him back.
I saw him finally on Saturday night, I avoided him first but I ended up talking to him. Talking about whether he've found what he wanted in his new relationship. He said, well, she doesn't slag him off like I did. He is still convineced that it was me driving him away that broke us up. What we had was everything he wanted, everything he could ask for in a relationship. He believed we had it all.
Well, the "small" parts which we didn't have, he has now, with her. She doesn't slag him off, they can talk about anything, everything, which included what he feels about us, they even talk about the letters / notes I left for him, about our conversation on saturday night (so he told me). And most I suspect is that he feels important and loves by her. By her willingness to listen to him. He said he felt I loved him but not reassuring enough for him.
I wanted to talk to him and make a proper closure to the relationship rather than him walked out without saying a word. I needed him to know I loved him, I really did, I really thought we could be together forever, he was the one for me. I told him I still believe in him, I still believe he is the good man I first met, I want him to move on and be happy.
By the end of the conversation, he said he couldn't be with me any more because he needed committment, stability at home which I couldn't give him. He even said no temptation could have seperated us if our relationship was rock solid. But the truth is our relationship was not rock solid, we had all the feelings, thoughts but the rock never crystalized. We didn't have it and that's why he couldn't resisted the temptation. I suppose what I am forgetting is I saw the end of our relationship several times in the past but I didn't end it. We dragged each other along, for as long as we could, as far as we could. He reached his limit, he can't handle it any more, so it snapped. It snapped so unexpectedly I was shocked. I couldn't handle it.
I didn't leave him before because he was having troubled at work. I didn't want to abandone him when he needed me most (could it be love?). I stay put, but by staying put I got myself into this horrible heart breaking situation. I know i have responsibility in it too. I was careless, I let him see her by themselves, alone. I wasn't careful about her, I forgot she is capable of doing anything. I never thought he would / could cheat, never thought it would be her he cheated with - my own sister!
I suppose all my friends are right, if we had been falling out, getting back together, dagging it on, our relationship had its problem. We had problems, only we keep trying to fix it without success and would not come to terms with it.
