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Our Separate Destiny

Saw her today.  It was ever-so brief but that didn't matter.   I looked at her face and I think she saw me too.  I was practically running to the door when I saw her.  I wonder if she thought I was a ghost or something.  She must have only seen a glimpse, then I disappeared.  

I wasn't even supposed to be there today!  I am so pissed off at myself for putting myself in that situation when I didn't even have to.  Subconsciously, I'm sure that's exactly what I wanted though.  I wanted to see her.  My subconscious persuaded me to mess up the dates and come to a practice I wasn't scheduled for.  I wasn't scheduled to be there, but she was.  

This is so bad.  I miss her so much.  I was kinda hoping, a sweet little pathetic hope that she would text me.  Just something little like "I think I saw you today" or "I imagined I saw you." I wouldn't have responded of course, but then I would know what she was thinking for a brief moment in time.  I always can't help but wonder what's on her mind during the day. 

I visited her facebook later.  I didn't plan to, but when I logged on to my account it said that she had changed her profile picture.  The new photo was of her and some guy.  I had to find out more.  I looked at an enlarged version of the picture but then I decided to leave it at that.  That was all I should do.  I almost feel stalkerish.  I don't know anything for sure anymore.  Its probably for the best that I didn't find out who that mysterious person was in the photo.  That would surely make me more sad. 

However, overall I think I might be doing a little better.  My moods don't seem to be fluctuating as much(like a straight line), but it seems as though I'm always feeling down.  I'm sliding closer and closer to complete indifference... I hope these feelings of rejection will go away soon.  I don't know what I'm going to do about my other feelings.  Maybe no one ever stops loving their first love. 

She so amazing.  She'll always be a fantastic memory, but probably nothing more.  There is no chance that we will ever create more memories.....especially not as friends.  Definitely not friends.  I could never be her friend.  I could have been her friend and would still be her friend if we had ever let a friendship to develop.  But instead I only developed her in my head in the  other way.  I will never get passed that.  It just doesn't seem possible.

She'll go her way and I'll go mine.  Every time I'll see her I'll remember, and regret.  Nothing but regret, and shame, and pain.  This is our separate destiny  :'(

deadlove deadlove 18-21, M 1 Response Jan 30, 2009

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i know how u feel, man :( its like reading something what my mind, and not hearth, wrote. Uur stories are rly good to read, plz keep publishing