Yeah....It's Back Again

It's so weird I thought I had put my feelings behind me.  I still feel pretty numb, but I still hurt too and I don't know exactly how to channel the emotions.  I kind of wish she would text me so I could not answer and feel like I had power over something(if that makes sense).  I don't know how I feel anymore.  Whenever I see her I just feel embarrassed.  I wish I didn't have to see her, which is funny cause I think subconciously I must seek her out. I mean I see her everywhere, what else could be the cause. 

I've been taking alternate routes trying to avoid the hallway with her locker in it.  Somehow I still manage to get a glimpse of her though.  A glimpse is my worst enemy at this point cause after that I don't stop thinking about her for hours at a time. 

So funny thing:  I was taking some random movie rating test thing on facebook(one of my friends recommended it in my profile).  So I fill it out and I guess it searches out your compatability with your friends based on both your answers.  Anyway..guess who my number one most compatable person was!!!!????

It so irritating cause whenever I see her profile picture it's of her and some other guy.  I don't know who it is but he must be somethin' special cause she used the picture for her display.  I shouldn't care, I'm trying not to.  I'm trying not to feel so desperate.  Honestly right now I just feel like a loser.  I feel like a total loser sometimes when I peek at her profile.  The loser in me is just curious, I guess.  She's still listed as single, but that guy is still in her profile picture. 

I'm just so sad, kinda.  I mean it seems a little different than before when I was sad.  I'm not sure if that means I am getting better or getting worse though.  I feel like an empty shell of a robot that knows what sadness is and thinks he should feel it at certain moments but isn't truly experiencing it.  I don't know. 

My diet and sleep schedule has become really irregular lately.  Sometimes I binge, sometimes I portion-control.  Sometimes I go to bed at 2 or 4 a.m and sometimes I just pass out before 10pm.  I mean literally "pass out": clothes on, contacts in, tv/computer blaring in the background.  It's really messed up.  I'm really messed up.

Okay that enough for me, I'm kinda drowsy right now(@4 in the afternoon!!!)

deadlove deadlove
18-21, M
2 Responses Feb 5, 2009

Seven years ago, I broke it off with my fiancee even though I was in love, we just couldn't make it work. I became a heavy equipment operator shortley afterwards. Sometimes I would work 15 hour days 7 days a week, even in the winter, I could drill. I burried my broken heart so easily. A couple of years ago, I decided to persue my dream of being an EMT. Within a week, alone with my thoughts and memories, it all hit me again. I had never delt with the pain, I blocked it because hurt so bad. I haven't stoped crying in two years. I wish there was a way to get over it easily. Of course, running into him, his wife, and his three kids didn't help. I bowed out gracefuly, but I shook and sobed the whole way home. The next day, I discovered that my big sister and her husband are friends with them! Turns out, my whole family is back in touch with him and his wife. They had hidden it from me. They didn't know how I felt about him, but as my dad says, it's none of my business anyway. I don't know how I should feel anymore about anything. I wish I would of kept working myself to death. I had no time to think about anything but the next phase of the project. Now, I spend half of my time trying not to cry and the other half trying to calm crying patients.

coming from a girl who has done this and witnessed many other females doing the same thing the profile picture thing is to make you jealous because even if we dont want you/you dont want us. we want you to think someone else has our company<br />
i hope you start feeling better, i know its hard