Yeah....It's Back Again
It's so weird I thought I had put my feelings behind me. I still feel pretty numb, but I still hurt too and I don't know exactly how to channel the emotions. I kind of wish she would text me so I could not answer and feel like I had power over something(if that makes sense). I don't know how I feel anymore. Whenever I see her I just feel embarrassed. I wish I didn't have to see her, which is funny cause I think subconciously I must seek her out. I mean I see her everywhere, what else could be the cause.
I've been taking alternate routes trying to avoid the hallway with her locker in it. Somehow I still manage to get a glimpse of her though. A glimpse is my worst enemy at this point cause after that I don't stop thinking about her for hours at a time.
So funny thing: I was taking some random movie rating test thing on facebook(one of my friends recommended it in my profile). So I fill it out and I guess it searches out your compatability with your friends based on both your answers. Anyway..guess who my number one most compatable person was!!!!????
It so irritating cause whenever I see her profile picture it's of her and some other guy. I don't know who it is but he must be somethin' special cause she used the picture for her display. I shouldn't care, I'm trying not to. I'm trying not to feel so desperate. Honestly right now I just feel like a loser. I feel like a total loser sometimes when I peek at her profile. The loser in me is just curious, I guess. She's still listed as single, but that guy is still in her profile picture.
I'm just so sad, kinda. I mean it seems a little different than before when I was sad. I'm not sure if that means I am getting better or getting worse though. I feel like an empty shell of a robot that knows what sadness is and thinks he should feel it at certain moments but isn't truly experiencing it. I don't know.
My diet and sleep schedule has become really irregular lately. Sometimes I binge, sometimes I portion-control. Sometimes I go to bed at 2 or 4 a.m and sometimes I just pass out before 10pm. I mean literally "pass out": clothes on, contacts in, tv/computer blaring in the background. It's really messed up. I'm really messed up.
Okay that enough for me, I'm kinda drowsy right now(@4 in the afternoon!!!)