Will I Always Be Alone?

Loneliness has forever been an issue for me. Perhaps specific circumstances have made me predisposed to loneliness: a male with Asperger's Syndrome with an unfortunately long history of abuse, including both physical and sexual abuse. At the start of 2012, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I had been earlier diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Major Depression, severe anxiety not otherwise specified, and have struggled with self-harm. Also, less relevant, I have difficulties with speech and have a skin disorder. It is as if the circumstances of my existence have created the perfect concoction for the rest of society to ostracize and shun me, notwithstanding any of the alleged desirable qualities of mine.

I am not being hyperbolic when I say that I have no friends, because it is the truth, a painful one, about my life. It would mean more to me than anything else to have a close friends, or better still a girlfriend, that is able to accept and love me the way I am, but this is increasingly appearing to be an unrealistic childhood fantasy; I am the antithesis of what women want in a man.

Regardless of where, when, how, and with whom, women never like me, and in the odd chance they do, it will not be long until they want nothing to do with me. For one reason or another women find me undesirable: appearance, health issues, interests, employment, etc. There is an endless list of deficiencies about me women and society as a whole are unable to accept.

Whenever I have attempt to socialize with women, I am rejected, ignored completely, or we will have an excellent time, so I think, but all efforts to contact them afterwards will be ignored. What women I do talk to and that do like me are those that I chat with online, i.e., those that have never met me in the real world. Off the Internet, when I do socialize, it is usually with those over the age of 50, because anyone younger wants nothing to do with me. (I am 21 years old.)

I am told that I have desirable characteristics: I am sensitive, honest, respectful, and intelligent. Interests of mine include raising tarantulas, true spiders, centipedes, and scorpions in captivity, specializing with tarantulas in the subfamily Ornithoctoninae; collecting insects and maps; reading; writing; semi-professional photography; chess; area studies; etc. Additionally I am active and a member of numerous political organizations and non-profit organizations, writing articles for a national, non-profit publication.

But I am never enough for women to want to talk to me much less date or be friends with. Yes, I know I have self-esteem issues, and I have been in counseling about that for much of the last 10 years, and earlier if I include all the speech therapy I did to learn to talk. However, it is incredibly hard to deal with the loneliness that I am constantly forced to endure, and that alone negatively impacts my self-esteem.

Nobody it seems understands this. Join a club I am told: I am active with all the clubs I can be active with that interest me where I live. Moreover, others liking what I do doesn't help me at all in being liked. Visit a bar: I don't drink alcoholic beverages and will stick out like a sore thumb. You haven't met the right person: there is only so long I can manage talking to myself and therapists for comfort and conversation. It's been years since I've had a hug for example. Do I really have so few redeeming qualities that most days I talk to an imaginary friend because nobody else cares how I feel or what I have to say?

Love, relationships, women, friends, all of it feels so hopeless to me, like an endless cycle of failures, rejection, and loneliness. Was I never meant to be loved and appreciated? Sometimes I think I am destined to leave this world like my father did; he shot himself in our house when I was 17 years old.

Will I always be alone?
AspergersandMe AspergersandMe
18-21, M
Dec 11, 2012