Three Year It Has Been at 5:25am This Morning

Three Years Since i Saw the man that I gave myself away to my first, last and Never to be Seen again. I was going through my journal last night and Reading All the thing i wrote about him and me how i promised myself never to speak to him again about how big of a fool i am for doing it any way he said he loved me and whatever. He hasn't even Spoken to me much since then the year after he did but now not even a hello; last i spoke to him was July 15 of this year and haven't heard from him since. If i was better at math I probably would count the days, to the hours, the minutes,to the seconds of when I last saw him that's How big of an impression he had in my life.
I was 19 he was 37 i was heart broken and lonesome he knew how to charm me and make me feel Beautiful, but it goes both ways I was looking for someone to give myself a way to I felt so unloved, so invisible, and longing for attention all to myself and he gave that to me he made me Feel a live for the first time in a long time. To this day I have my ups and downs when it come to my feeling for him i will not be thinking about him and life amazing but then i have my days were i miss him and want to be with him again. We had been talking online for month before i met with him for the last moments we had with together... He just gave me reason to feel and look AMAZING cause at the time i was 40lbs thinner beautiful and felt amazing (gain all that back and more cause hell broke loose in my life.) moving forward I just miss him when i know i shouldn't and if he saw me now he would take back everything he ever said to me I know it for a fact. Since then I have tried so hard to move on but its hard I just can't stop thinking about him and it tares me apart yet I suck it up and keep going life is just so complicated and I can't waste my life on the if, and,but of what could have been when he has moved on
If I ever saw him again I'm Unsure of how i would feel or what i would say. He most likely wouldn't even know who i am since people always forget me. Maybe one day i will? who knows?