My Affair.

There are no excuses for being a cheater- I understand and accept the fact that you should try to either (a) save your marriage or (b) be honest to yourself and your spouse and leave the marriage before getting involved with someone else, but -- things just "happened" (as things do) and I find myself reflecting a lot on how I got here. I write this out not hoping for sympathy (I'm obviously doing something bad and wrong), but to see if anyone else has ever gone through something similar and can help me crawl out of the deep, dark hole I've gotten myself into....because today, right now, I feel there's no way out. Or at least, no way that will not absolutely devastate those close to me. Because as it stands, my husband would be DEVASTATED if we got divorced. In addition, his brother and my cousin are getting married this year, so even if I wanted to extricate myself from him, we will now never truly be able to live separate lives again. The only positive to this is that we have no children, so whatever happens, it won't hurt anyone beyond me and him.

The story is the following: I waited a long time before getting married because I didn't want to marry the wrong person. I met my husband 5 yrs ago after going through a particularly painful breakup and couldn't believe how nice and affectionate he was with me. I embraced the comfort of knowing someone truly cared for me and somehow convinced myself that a lack of "sparks", "weak knees" and "butterflies in the stomach" weren't good reasons to toss this guy aside, as he was truly a GOOD, NICE guy and deserved a shot. I kept thinking to myself that the butterflies eventually go away anyway, so why refuse building a relationship simply because you don't have insane chemistry with that person? One thing led to another. He relentlessly pursued me, even as I was less "gung-ho" than him, and when he proposed, I accepted and sincerely did love him and think I could spend the rest of my life with him. Although I wasn't passionately IN love with my husband, I did love him, care about him, and want to build a life with him.

I met the "other" man I'd eventually have an affair with about three years ago. We felt the sparks immediately, but both tried to ignore them. He was also married and had two kids. He had never cheated on his wife and I had never cheated on a boyfriend or with my husband. We both had no intentions of doing so, despite how attracted we were to each other. After three years of being very good around each other, because we frequently see each other on business trips (he lives about 300 miles from me and works at a different company, but our two companies partner together a lot) a, a PERFECT STORM brewed in my life to create the tipping point between us:

1. As soon as my husband married me, he started treating me like this woman who was "too good" for "dirty" sex and he couldn't bear to initiate sex or aggressively pursue it with me. Since we got married, he has had sex with me maybe once every other week; sometimes just once a month. And only in the morning....on a weekend....missionary the dark. After the first year of me constantly being the initiator, I finally got sick of always being the one to force it and I became resentful that he didn't want me or want to experience any variety or adventure in the bedroom. I've gently broached the issue with him in the past, but it always resulted in him crying and berating himself and promising to initiate sex more. I hated it when he reacted that way, because I knew it is hurting his self esteem even more and making the problem worse. I truly tried to broach this issue with him gently and as a companion/partner. I never wanted him to feel like it was his fault, but I also got increasingly frustrated when things didn't ever improve. I truly believe the sex problems all root back to self-esteem issues with him. He hates his job and feels he looks bad and is overweight and constantly berates himself and acts self-deprecating. I repeatedly have tried to boost his self-esteem, but it has no effect. And frankly, only you can truly give yourself more confidence in the end, so I know my compliments can only go so far. In addition, his ex-wife cheated on him, so he has (since day one) been convinced that I'll eventually leave him too. I hate to say it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, because this is obviously MY fault due to MY actions, but the constant worrying on his part that I'd "find someone better" has slowly chaffed away at my ability to remain attracted to him. He fawns over me and makes it very clear that he feels I'm better than him in all respects (which is completely untrue- hate to state the obvious, but he's not a lying cheater, for one thing! He is SO the better person and I know it) But I hate this attitude- I don't want him to treat me like I am superior in any way- I want to be his equal and when he "worships" me, it's a huge turn off. I have tried to tell him many times what I want, need, desire from him and our marriage, but he just doesn't seem to change. So this is a long way of saying I have no sex life with my husband and I am not really attracted to him at all anymore. Conversely, this man I cheated on my husband with loves his job, is very full of self-confidence, and, most importantly, is someone I have insane chemistry with.

2. Over the past year, 6 people close to me died. The constant look into my mortality and the brevity of my existence here on this planet has certainly made me more reckless than usual, more introspective and more unsettled. I have admittedly drawn myself "inward" over the past year because the deaths were personal and my husband didn't really know those people well in my life. Instead of going through the grief together, I grieved alone and with my family. I think this has caused a pretty huge distance between us emotionally. It's also made me think: life is too short and I need to embrace happiness while I can. Hence, I began searching for fulfillment in a way about the same time my this OMM and I came into a compromising situation.

3. OMM and I were drinking-- heavily- that night -- both out of our hometowns on a business trip (we both travel frequently for work)

These three things, when combined, turned into an all-night sexual encounter. As it happened in mid-December, we were convinced that after the holidays, we'd set of courses straight again and somehow manage to never do it again. We both felt guilty- we had both considered ourselves to be very good people and here we were- doing something SO BAD and we sincerely didn't want to hurt anyone close to us.

However, over the holidays, we couldn't stop thinking about each other and communicating with each other. And it wasn't just sexual. Our attraction for each other has built a lot over the three years we've known each other, and we both recognize the fact that in addition to the insane sexual chemistry, we also really just get along great, have a lot of fun together, and really respect and mutually admire each other's intellect and abilities. We always have had fun together (before it became sexual), so the sexual element created almost instant affection for each other. And the attraction is palpable. Even before this happened, many coworkers and strangers have approached us and just assumed we were husband/wife or were somehow together. We simply fit.

After a month, we saw each other again and couldn't pry ourselves away. We have been, frankly, acting like 18 yr old lovers- constantly making out when we're together and staying up all night having marathon sex. I have NEVER had such amazing sexual chemistry with another human being before in my life, and, selfishly, I don't want the affair to stop anytime soon. It's making me feel truly alive, and I believe he feels the same way-- like we've woken up after a long, long hibernation period. We've also had some pretty serious conversations already, setting the ground rules that I don't want to be a home wrecker and, in turn, he doesn't want to hold me back from having children or, if my husband isn't right for me, getting divorced from my current husband and finding someone who I could have a sincere and good marriage with. He doesn't want to ever end this with me, but he also can't imagine ever getting divorced himself, because children are involved on his end. I totally understand this and I care for him so much that I don't want to jeopardize his family life AT ALL.

So I'm currently in a situation where I'm sleeping with a man who is not my husband, have absolutely no sex life with my actual husband, know I have to do something very soon to end this horrible cycle of self-destruction and, even more importantly, utterly destructive and deceitful way of dealing with my marriage partner, who deserves WAY better. I know I need to open up a dialogue with my husband very soon. I don't intend on ever telling him about the affair, but I do know the affair is a symptom of a much larger problem. However, I am tortured over the fact that if my husband and I do end up getting divorced, although it will mean I can live my life honestly again and with integrity, it doesn't solve the problem that the guy I'm crazy for and can't imagine ever not having sex with again is married and has children.

So there it is. That's where I am right now.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 17, 2013