My divorce was final today. Don't know how to feel. I cried all day yesterday. I watched the clock knowing at 3pm it would be over.
I was almost married 8 years. 7 of those were very troubled. I tried everything to save the marriage. I set up counseling, marriage retreats, etc. I prayed earnestly for these seven years hoping that God would move my husbands heart and cause him to change.
After our first year of marriage he started having affairs. After each one, I just said "okay, forgive and move forward". It never stopped. He would only get new women on the internet. He would open site after site of singles ads. I left him three times, but each time he promised to stop and said that he loved me, and these women meant nothing to him. So, I would come back. Only to find more ads and more women calling him.
He didn't drink or do drugs and he was a good father to the children. We had six between both of us. His four whom I love dearly, and my two. He just couldn't stay away from the internet. His doctor said he had an addiction, and was bi-polar, thus his behavior. So, since I took vows to stay with him in good times and bad, I felt committed. I take my vows to heart.
Last year was the breaking point. He had three women (that I knew of), and I told him that he needed to make a choice.....his girlfriends or his marriage. He said he chose his girlfriends, so I left. We have been apart for a year and half. He seemed to be getting better, and I had hopes that maybe he finally changed. He told me he was a new man, and was even re-baptized. I was planning on going back home when my lease was up. Then in November when he was having financial trouble, I went to the bank to see why he was overdrawn, and there was a change from "Mate 1". My heart just sunk. He had not changed at all.
New Years eve, he gave me divorce papers. I signed them, and now it's over. Not like it was a surprise, because he's asked me for a divorce for seven years. I would just ignore him, and he'd drop the subject, and I would keep trying. In october he asked me again, and I told him to give me at least the holidays, then I would give him the divorce. We had a great Thanksgiving, and Christmas and I had hopes again. But then New years eve, I got the papers. He said he kept his part of the agreement.
As the date got closer, I still hoped there was a chance for us if he only prayed and asked God to help us. He said that he didn't want to pray about that.
All I can say is that I tried. But it takes two to make it work. Two sincere hearts.
I don't blame God. I praised Him through my tears. He knows my future and why this was allowed to happen, even if I don't understand it yet. I just feel numb now, and don't know how to start over at 47. I never dreamed that this close to 50, I would be alone again. The kids are grown and gone. My daughter is moving in with me until she finishes school, but i don't want to become dependent on her for company, because she will move on when she graduates. Where do I start? Who am I. All I've know is being a mom and wife. I was alone for 14 years until i married my husband, and I thought this was it, someone to grow old with. I loved him unconditionally, even through these hard times.
There were many blessings in these storms. He showed me the truth about Jesus that I had never known. I was Catholic before, and never owned a Bible. For that I am greatful. I have beautiful children, all six. I love them all. Maybe that was his part in my life....to show me the truth. I was baptized and became a SDA in 2004, and I have no regrets. I love my church family.....many of them are his family.
I started smoking after he served me my papers, and I've tried to quit. Sometimes I do great for a few days, then sadness and depressioin would set in, and I'll pick up a cigaret again.....like today. I'm praying for victory over this, and need everyone's prayers.
I've rambled on enough......just lonely and feeling so lost. Sometimes I feel that Jesus has left me too, because of my smoking. I hope not....He is all I have in my life that is a constant.