Confused And Mad At Myself

Low self esteem does kill. I've always seen myself as ugly since my ex-love dumped me. I was never able to recover from her marriage with another guy. I actually fell in love with her at first sight. It was a quinceanera (a sweet fifteen), i was participating in. My best friend at the time, had last minute pressured me to be in it.It was his cousin's sweet 15. A gentlemen dancer pretty damn gay, but it turns out to be fun.  

 I remember her wearing a beige dress, the first time I saw her. I still wonder till this day, how can anyone light up a whole party room full of people with such a horrible colored dress! She had black long hair and dark black eyes. She had freckles, which were the most beautiful freckles i had ever seen. I don't even remember dancing the celebratory birthday dance. I was just love struck and numbed by the site of the love of my life. I knew my best friend at the time was in love with her as well. But as a good friend, I kept to myself and did what any teenager at that age would do. I danced and danced doggy-style most of the night. I danced with a few girls and a the end, I ended up dancing with this one girl that seemed only interested on getting my thingy up. She would end up telling my girl cousins, and the love of my life about how she broke me off. I'm guessing she told everyone in full detail. The girls in my peer age bracket would gossip, I felt it flowing and being pass on behind my back. Maybe at the end of everything, the party in all. I was the one who made the last impression on my soon to be love.  

So I haven't been diagnosed with HIV yet. But I feel its running through my veins and the symptoms are there.  I just need to wait the three month cause i was tested negative a month two early. It's my own fault, telling you the truth. I had unprotected sex with a high risk. I guess, It was stupid of me to have seen some kind of humanity in her. She was gorgeous natural green eyes red hair. I knew, she was a dance/worker who used drugs. I would always do things for her, help her move her belongings from place to place. I was just being used, the first time i used protection the time went and no symptoms or anything. I saw her a couple of weeks later and we started to make out and it happened. We didn't have protection. A week later I was having symptoms, I told her and she disappeared. I know who she is and every single detail of where she grew up. lots of thing things have crossed my mind and it sad to say that death has become one of them.  I saw girl as person as a human beings with values. The problem is she didn't care about herself. But I do care about myself. I'm scared of this next month, scared that my life will be over, march is my last month of wait. God for I'm only human and i am a sinner for give me and protect those I love. Do to me as you will i am place my life in you'r hands, in the name of the father, son and the holy spirit. Amen 
tyson2jr2004 tyson2jr2004
31-35, M
1 Response Mar 11, 2013

Everything will be fine. You're a good person, and your story reminds me of mine ironically.
There is someone just for you out there, your god has fashioned her just for you *grin*