Too Much To Ask?

I'm so confused and I don't know how much more pain I can put myself through. I'm tired of trying and I feel like you aren't even trying anymore. So many voices telling me to stop this addiction but it's much easier said than done. I feel like nothing is real unless you are extensively happy or truly dead inside. I'm some where in the middle therefore, I feel the need to keep pushing no matter how hard that is for me. I've changed so much for you and I don't even think you've noticed, although you ask me where the real me went? I guess you have noticed so the question should be do you care or understand why I have changed? If you do care please tell me how I can see this. Is it for your own pleasure and amusement, cause no that's not why I have done this to myself. It's so you understand the trust I feel and give to you, the fact that I'm not scared anymore. And as for the other boy, yes he may be there but he means nothing if that means another chance to be in your arms. I think about you like that, but completely unsure about how you feel for me. Would you do the same for me?

Those voices tell me how immature you are. That you aren't "man" enough to be in a relationship with me, that you think I'll wait for you forever. Now that was my intention but it is simply impossible because of all the pain you are bringing me. Do you think I'll wait? I'm trying to as long as I can but the end is nearing and soon I know I'll have to move on no matter how hard that is. No matter how many tears or how much blood I will have to shed. Other voices tell me that you are nothing. A simple stereotypical boy. A jerk of all things. That you are playing me as if I am a game. That you tell me everything I want to hear to keep me close around that way you can have a quick fix when you want one. Those thoughts bring the words scum to you, if they are true.

My problem: no matter what anyone tells me or explanation I get, I choose not to believe in such words. I'm just going to fall back into your trap like you've lured me in so many times before. I feed off what you give to me. Whether it is love or nothing but a mental fix, it's all I need to get through my day. Always falling back into your words and games, like I've never seen them before. Your words hypnotize me. Everything you say rings truth in my ears but my heart can never tell the difference. All I want is you to love me the way I have loved you. I don't want to have to wait for you any longer. Why isn't it that you long for me as I long for you. I wouldn't have ever thought the truth was too much to ask...