Wrong Decisions Cause Much Pain

Here is my story. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I screwed up.  I screwed up big time.  I don't recommend anyone to take the path that I did. 

About 2 years ago, I started dating a wonderful woman.  She was smart, beautiful and everything I wanted. Lets call her Jane.  Unfortunately I was already in a relationship.  The relationship I was in wasn't good. Her name was Pam.  I wasn't attracted to Pam, but I stayed with her, because she made me feel good about myself.  So after dating Jane for a while, she asked me to date her exclusively.  Jane knew I was dating other people but she didn’t know any of the details.  Jane and Pam had no idea what I was doing when I wasn’t with them.  I started to weave a life of lies.  It wasn’t because I wanted to sleep with both of them, but because I didn’t have the courage to leave Pam.  We had been together for a year and she made me feel good about myself, something that Jane couldn’t do.  I had many issues.  One of which is the fear of letting people down.    I was too afraid of letting her down, to let go of her. So, I continued the charade. 

After dating Jane for about 3 months, she started to freak-out on a regular basis.  Jane had difficulties with life.  Her work was stressful.  Her family was insane.  I wanted to be exclusive with her, but she scared me.  With all of her difficulties, I thought she was going to freak out and leave me.  Looking back, I probably deserved at that point.  After all I was lying to her and to Pam.  Anyhow, I tried to make each of them as happy as I possibly could. 

A few months later, I gained the courage and broke up with Pam.  It was what was best for me and for my relationship with Jane.  I wanted to move the relationship with Jane forward.  Though Jane had issues, I really thought she was best for me.  She wasn’t as sweet or as caring, but I could relate to her much better.  I still kept in contact with Pam, which was another mistake.  It was selfish for me to keep lying to the both of them, and especially unfair to keep a friendship with Pam.  But of course I didn’t want to push people away that cared about me.  Selfish.  I can’t stand pushing people away that show interest. 

After being broken up with Pam for four months, I thought it would be good to take the next step with Jane.  I planned to ask Jane to marry me.  Then things go hard.  Jane started having new issues at work.  She ranted and raved constantly about work.  She became completely inaccessible.  She dwelled on her problems.  I tried to help.  I was never enough.  I couldn’t do anything to help.  Her life was overwhelming to her.  In turn, week after week, I tried to help and was shut down and shut out.  I couldn’t talk to her.  I felt that I wasn’t able to approach her.  Jane shut out the rest of the world.  I didn’t know where to go.  Pam was there being friendly, still not knowing what was going on with m.  Pam didn’t even know that Jane existed.       

I went back to Pam for advice.  She was there, she was open.  She listened, she cared.  I never had that in my life previously.  When she made a pass at me to get back together, I tried to keep her from getting to close, but I failed.  I failed because I was selfish.  I wanted to feel loved.  Jane was so distant, Pam was so close.  I screwed up big time.  I should have done many other things, but I didn’t.  I kept lying to Pam and Jane.  I started to see Pam again.  It was easy, Jane’s job was in a different city, which made her leave every weekend.  Pam just thought I was busy on the weekend. 

I tried to get away and break up with Pam, but I didn’t.  I didn’t because things got harder.  I lost my job of two years.  I needed someone to be there for me.  Jane couldn’t be there for me.  She was wrapped up in her own world.  The first thing she said to me after I told her that I got laid off was, “ I can’t believe you did this to me”.  I was distraught.  I had no idea what to do.  All I needed was some support, some understanding and some love. None of which I was getting from Jane, but Pam was there. 

Because I was selfish, I kept the lies going for another 4 months.  I kept it up till I got caught.  Jane didn’t trust me.  One night we had it out.  Straight up fight.  I couldn’t handle it so instead of going home, I went to Pams house.  I didn’t expect Jane to stake out my place.  I stayed the night at Pam’s and went home early, to find Jane there.  She was pissed.  She didn’t believe the bullshit that I told her.  When I left during the morning to run some errands, she went into my private email and saw the truth.  She left me and emailed Pam and told her the truth.  The truth that they deserved.  The deserved it the whole time. 

Fast forward a few months.  Amazingly enough, Jane wanted to get back together with me.  She had some expectations, which I agreed to.  I agreed to find God.  I was missing something major in my life.  It was God.  I know most of you think that it’s crazy for me to say that, but it was true.  I was missing something in my soul.  Jane also wanted me to go to counseling, which I did, for 3 months.  She also asked me to do a few other things. 

The thing that I had the hardest time with was making good with her folks.  After all, they had already shelled out 5 thousand dollars for a wedding that didn’t happen.  I was taking my time to get back to her dad.  He said that he wanted to kill me for betraying his daughter.  I wanted to have my counseling done, I wanted to start couples counseling with Jane and I wanted to have a job.  The last one was the hardest.  9 months after loosing my job, I had applied for over 1100 jobs, none of which panned out.  7 months after being found out as a fraud,  still no work.  Unemployment has now reached over 10%, probably higher if you add those who have taken lesser jobs or have given up.  Unfortunately, I didn’t act fast enough.  Jane called me today saying that I didn’t make up with her family yet, ie. Her dad. 

I live in fear everyday.  I betrayed everyone.  I lied to my friends, family, and to Jane.  I cheated on two wonderful women at the same time.  I wasn’t able to get over my selfish ways, until I got caught. 

I started a 12 step program a month ago and am working through the steps.  Forgiving myself is proving to be the hardest part.  I don’t know how to look myself in the mirror yet.  I’m doing everything I can to find work and to make up for the wrongs I have done, but I don’t feel any better yet.  I don’t need people to tell me that I’m okay or that I’m horrible.  I know I’ll be fine.  I know I am horrible.  I just need a sign.

Thank you for reading.

WrongWay23 WrongWay23
31-35, M
1 Response Feb 27, 2010

WOW...you will be ok...your doing the right thing in the 12 step program...little changes make big lasting results.