Me Vs. Me
Here i am sitting in my room once again trying not to run over, trying not to be that girl again. It's hard though. It's hard ignoring the temptation. The longing to start again. To not feel big. To get rid of my mistake. To pretend today didn't happen. There are too many temptations out there. Too many promotions, too many signs. Signs to say "oh just a little" "one can't be that bad" but it can. One can be two, three, five! That's when it comes. That darkness, that pain, the feeling of shame and disgust. That's when the thought of running over to that room seems so appealing.
It's them though. They're the ones who did this to me. Made me feel like this. Made me feel so....
I remember when I use to be looked at. Use to be the center of attention. Not now though. Not now i am like this. It's too much, too much here, too much there, too much for me to even look at. It's the temptations fault. Those repetitive signs, those ideas, those things that make me feel like this. Not like nothing but like something too much.
How can she do that and still look like that. Beauty is in the beholder....not true. Not true when you feel like there is no one there. No one will ever be there. That's why I turn to that room. That room where everything feels like it's going to be alright. It's going to make the day not happen. I think I would have to make the day not happen at least 3 times a week. It's not much though, not really. But if I did it more, if i went to that room more than that, they will know. I can't let that happen. Not now. My days are good, sometimes.
I blame myself. I blame myself for being like this. For making me look like this to then make myself do this. This to make up for my greed, my inability to know what i should do, what I should't do.
That room is my haven and my hell. It makes me stronger yet there is less of me. Less...less is good less is what I want, what I need in life. Then I will be seen, then I will be noticed once again. A dirty deed to get what I want. I want to say I know it is wrong and that I shouldn't do this but I don't care. I need to I need to be sick to make myself pretty again.
Once I was ok, once I knew I was ok, once I was told I was ok. Now, now I'm not ok. My name does not matter, my achievements do not matter, who my friends are, that doesn't matter. What matters is being ok again. No matter what it takes me.