Hi-five Again, Brother!!!!

Golly! Are you my twin, or something?? Damned, if I don't have the same, stinkin problem!! I know I’m exceptionally good-looking…always have known it…ever since I was a little girl. I learned, real early, how to use my looks to get what I wanted, too. It’s sad but true that “better-looking” people get treated better. I think it’s all bullshit, myself….living in a world where dumb **** like that is so valued. But, after all the experience I’ve had getting stuff (attention, adoration, love, a cut in line, a free guitar cord slid to me on the side, my tires changed), I, too, have become conditioned to believe that looks are SO important.
 
On top of being good-looking, I’m also really smart, honest and free. In fact, I am one of the realest people I’ve ever come across….one of them. I have a great personality, albeit a moody one…in general, I’m not too difficult to get along with. Sometimes, I may be hard to handle but, I can be handled. All it would take is someone loving me unconditionally….exactly as I am…WITH all my flaws and shortcomings. I’m a good person. That’s the bottom line. And, other people share that sentiment. I’m one of those “what-you-see-is-what-you-get” type of people. People don’t have to analyze much when it comes to me or my behavior. I believe that others consider me a good person, too, is what I’m trying to say.
 
So! The million-dollar-question: WHAT IS THE PROBLEM??? Why am I alone? Why does everyone always leave me? I mean, if I’m so ******* great??? I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted trying to come up with viable answers. I figure there must just be something wrong with the people. But, I SO know that’s bullshit. It has to come back to me. This is my life. I’m the one living it. If these so-called “people with problems” keep showing up in my life, then I MUST have something to do with it.
 
Men fall for me. They fall for me hard. Too hard, is what the problem always appears to be. I mean, I can’t ******* count how many times I’ve heard a man say: “You must be too good to be true.” I can’t tell you how painful it has been watching these same men struggle with that fear in their loving me. They always hold me at an arm’s length. They’re so visibly torn with wanting to cling to me and kick me to the curb.
 
Sex has a lot to do with it but not for the classic reasons. Sex is different for me. I truly consider it to be a form of communication. For this reason mainly (but also because I’m just so ******* deep and hungry for human connection), sex is extremely spiritual for me. And, I don’t’ think most men (or, people, for that matter) ever really experience sex the way it’s meant to be experienced. When I’m with someone, sexually, I’m ALL the way there; mind, body and soul. It is spiritually orgasmic for me. And, this helps men to feel at ease with their own identities…as a spiritual being but, also, as a man. Just about every man that I’ve ever had sex with on a long-term basis has actually verbalized the fear that sex with me generates in them. They say it scares them. I mean, this can be quite a stroke to a gal’s ego but, it really just causes mounds of problems for me.
 
So, ALL of my relationships have ended because the men could never believe that I was really real…basically. Peoples’ faith in each other has been so torn that SO many find it impossible to believe that someone could actually BE who they claim to be.
 
But, contrary to how it sounds, this is no romantic saga of some poor, innocent, beautiful and honest woman who just can’t seem to find someone who appreciates and values the Truth. This is just some BULLshit! It’s the drama I’m making up in my head! (And, this is where I think you share my guilt):
 
 the TRUTH of the matter is that, if I HONESTLY wanted to find someone who was “in my league,” I would. Period. The TRUTH of the matter is that I’m virtually no different than all these other people I keep pointing fingers at; blaming them for their own human weakness and inability to experience true intimacy and trust. I’m doing the same **** they are! I’m keeping people at bay by constantly choosing those who are incapable of the kind of intimacy I “long” for. I set myself up for disappointment, from day one so, when they “disappoint” me, I’ll be prepared. It’s the same ******* dumb ***, dichotomous BULLshit we all do. We can’t help it…Unless we choose to…IT’S OUR CHOICE. We have to have the courage to make it. And, the only way we can make a choice is by obtaining the wisdom to discern the differences between the infinite colors we will paint our canvas with!
 
I feel so oddly connected to you. I LOVE IT!!!
MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
3 Responses Sep 24, 2006

well you right.. so why do we end up sometimes choosing those incapable of the intimacy we so desire... i've gat a story too

Nice work, camper, very real and honest. It is good to know your mind, and know the games you play with yourself and how you deny yourself what you want and need. It's the first step, isn't it? I was on that same hampster wheel for a very long time, churning lovers who always turned out to be "not quite what I had in mind" until one day I realized - they were great - I was the problem. Bravo on your post.

Hell, I feel very connected to you. It blows my mind actually. I read your entry and almost freaked out (in a good way). <br />
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Our situation is very tragic: how do we break from the paths that consistently yield unsatisfactory results? Perhaps we try odd new ideas like The Experience Project, eh? Perhaps in such a forum, where we meet others on the basis of the experiences they relate...perhaps such a place is one of the first real possibilities online for finding others who we REALLY connect with; who we really understand and value. Perhaps some will be "just friends" but maybe there will be some relationships and marriages too.