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MY Husband Loves His Mother More Then Me

I'm married for 8 months to my husband,I love my husband and it hurts me to see him get priority to his family and his mother's  more then me. I know he loves me but how can I make him realize that it's hurting our marriage and it's making me a desperate and miserable wife.we live seprate from their family ,200 km from in laws house ,my husband doing job after thurstday we get free then he always go to there mom's home he naver give me time if i say then he always shout on me and say i always give u time  but only at night ,i am very sad and dipressd,his mother always show her love in front on me she says oh my dear son i really love you ect ,we always querl dont know how i can success my marriege.please help me and suugest wt i can do.plz rply

rehu rehu 26-30 25 Responses Jul 13, 2009

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I personally believe all mothers should know their place. l love my mother to bits but sometimes her presence gets in the way. Mothers that interfere, know they are interfering. We cant have a 3rd wheel.... no place for that.

mothers have respect for wives! cut the apron strings

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I want to say that I don't see anything wrong about a son still loving their mom. I am not married. Most women tend to drift apart a bond between a son and mom which that's not good. You guys don't understand because you still don't have a adult son who is married but I bet when he gets married and start ignoring you, you will feel bad and will feel the pain that your husband's felt. Remember that if you ruin that bond god will teach you a lesson and do that with you kid. Actually god feels that a daughter/son still care for their parents because your parents gave you EVERYTHING they raised you and most importantly gave you love. So its better not to that because if you do you will suffer in the future when you have your son. I don't care if guys attack me or anything. Thats all I got to say. Bye

Thanks Juan, as I said in my post, I would be very happy for him to give his mother all the respect and love, but there is no need to sacrifice your relationship with your spouse in order to do that, thats all we say. It's about balancing things which isn't really a priority, he actually doesn't even recognize the need for it. I'm just going to be unhappy and make things worse between the two of us.

Even I had a same kind of problem when I was newly married... my hubby always used to support his mom and always used to run to his mom house on weekends I suffered ds for nearly 2 yrs.. The solution for ds problem is I shifted my house nearly 450km away from his mom house.. now even if he is willing to he can't travel so far.. dats d best idea and it's working out... now he stays with me even in weekend😊

Plz check out from my experience I would love to have someone to relate to my situation like this. Having a hubby who's a mommas boy is a pain.

I cannot believe I am not alone. It's extremely sad to know there are so many of us in the same situation.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years. At first my parents were afraid as he was from another country but agreed because I convinced them as i was very much in love with him. In the beginning when we were only engaged his mother was ok with us going out together probably because she was afraid that we were still not married and if she behaved oddly I might walk away. But since I have been married there have been constant fights between the two of us as we crave for his attention. But it hurts me so much he never supports me in any of our fights and always believe i am wrong and doesnt stand by me. He later comes up to me to say I should ignore her but this really doesn't help the way i feel. I feel so lonely in a foreign country as I have nobody to count on it brings tears to my eyes that i am going to die alone. I sometimes feel like giving up my life but think about my son and worry what his future would be like if I would do that. I feel so depressed and tearful. There is nothing to look forward to. Recently i had to get my parents involved to speak to my inlaws about not treati me like im an outsider in their house because i was so helpless and my husband was just turning deaf ears to what i was saying just because it was about complaining against his family. But my husband started accusing my family of interfering in his family matters. My parents are hurt that my husband thinks this way about them when they look at him like their own son. We live with my inlaws so there is no running away from this bitter truth. I am alone in a crowd. Im helpless and just want to die as that feels easier than living with disrespect for the rest of my life. Hope God finds a way out for me and my little one. Hope someday my husband realises that his true family should be me and my feelings. I would never want him to hurt his mother and would not look after her but he gives her the attention one gives their wife, she sometimes doesn't like me being alone with him. He sleeps in her room n says he needs sleep and the baby wakes him at night. But how long can i live alone like this. He is unable to understand me and has asked me to stay away from him till i start following what he asks me to do and follow his moms commands. Im deeply hurt by his comments and wonder whether getting married in a hurry was a wrong decision. I pray God listens to my prayers and helps me soon.

Dear Loveyoumychild,
My heart aches for you. You are not simply having a communication problem with your spouse and in-laws; I believe you have landed in an abusive situation. I am so sorry that you have to face this, but try to remember you are not alone!
Any grown man that still sleeps in his mothers room, especially when he has a beautiful wife and child, has some serious issues. Don't be afraid to lean on your parents a bit more. You should NEVER have to "follow" a husbands "commands" let alone a mother-in-laws. You are correct in finding issue with how you have been treated.

It is VERY important for you to try and stay connected to the 'outside' world. Make sure you are getting time for yourself. Even if it is taking your child every week to story time at the local public library. This would provide you a chance to recoup on reality, make highly needed friendships, and with consistency, build your self-confidence. It is essential when you are in a relationship with someone that is very dominant and/or abusive to try and keep a grip on reality and continue to do things to build your confidence. An abuser or someone that is wanting to control you will ALWAYS try and limit your social interactions and make you feel like your feelings and opinions are wrong and worthless. THEY ARE NOT!! You feel for a reason. It is a way for you to know something isn't right, and it is OK to feel sad, hurt, and frustrated. People who love you should respect your feelings and take your opinion into consideration in any healthy relationship.
If you are not getting this respect at home. Try to do things that will build your confidence and respect for yourself, until you get the strength to stand up and do whats needed in your relationship at home. And of course if anything ever becomes dangerous/out of control at home towards you or childs health, it is always better to walk away...get out. There are many programs out there to provide you with help in abusive situations.
I wish you strength

Thanks a lot Yennila, In the past few months I followed what you said, I have need speaking to people and have felt so much better. I feel even if he had to sympathize with me, that was all i needed. Things are a lot calmer! Thank you so much, God bless you.

iam the same, living in another country alone. was hoping my husband would change one day too.. from being a girlfriend, a wife always pray that he would finally see me as his family. i thought maybe he will change once we have a baby he probably would finally devote to THIS family, and you know what iam pregnant with 2nd baby, i cant eat well and cant sleep well, i keep vomitting while taking care of my toddler. where my husband is? He is at his Mom side, he rather spend 1 week holiday going vacation with his parents & siblings and left his wife n kid alone at home. When i found out about my pregnancy, he also wasnt at home but were having holiday with mommy n daddy abroad. Doesnt mean to hurt your feelings, but just want to stop you from having false hope. i dont want you end up just like me.

Dear Candywu, I can't imagine you are in this situation. my heart goes out to you. This must not be easy for you, I can't even imagine how you are probably coping. In your case, I feel it's not just your husband but also your in laws who need to be told that they are being plain EVIL. Why would they do something like this? You don't deserve this at all. Don't you speak to a common person about this? i would. I would speak to my parents and anybody who is close to them to make them understand and make them remember how difficult it is to bear a child. And on top of that you have a toddler. I would really speak up to my husband and if he doesn't listen you need to ask someone else for help. You can't be in the situation you are. God bless you, hope he gives you the strength to stand up.

Thank you. i did told some people. but.. we're asian sadly for customs here, mil/fil are superior. Another great problem is Husband, whatever i told him he just turn deaf or he gets angry. Iam really having a hardtime on my pregnancy, therefore im calling my mom to fly over to help me cope, i wonder why god always twist my fate so much, my mil n fil coming to our house tommorrow, so my mom n me have to think of lies. funny right? because my mil clearly told my Mom that "once a daughter is married, she's no longer the mother's child". But why is her son still a momma's boy? ?? iam sorry if i get too carried away

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Now my story is different...
I'm unable to decide who is wrong who is right..
But one thing is sure that I'm getting deeply hurt..!

We are married for two years.We both were too young.
He is a very obedient boy of his mother's.His mother lost her husband when he was a kid.And very soon she got into a relationship with a married man.But he wasn't aware of that.He is the only child and was totally dependant on his mother.

So when he was doing his graduation final year.She revealed that she is going to get married with the same man(he became a widower in the same year).He used to hate the man and he was totally against it.Finally he agreed because he loved his mother so much.

She shifted to his house.And my husband was shuttling between his house and her husband's house.He and that man were not in good terms.That man used to hurt him by words but he didn't retaliate thinking that it will effect his mother.

Now this was the reason for our marriage.His mother wanted him to get married because he will get a company.some one will be there to look after him.

But he was really immature at the startng.I,Myself was a very young girl and I had to find a job first .Loads of sufferings adjustments quarrels hatred finally I started loving him.I could clearly read his mind.

But problem started when this mother tried to interfere in our life. She keeps on giving instructions to us.What to do what not to do.And I really don't like that.But he wants that because he cannot handle anything on his own.She is insecure so she keeps calling him and shows that she is doing something for him.But actually she is so selfish that I understood.BUt whenever we talk I cannot utter a word against her.He will get very angry.He will abuse me.And It's so painful

So I just feel like running away.How can I stay at a place where someone is taking me as granted.Where I am meant to love not to be loved.!!

This is pretty awkward for me to read this post and the responses it has received. It seems most or all of them are from Ladies.

i came looking for answers to the question because my mother and my wife are both insecure of each other. I have been married for 6 months and love my wife immensely and i have been and will always we there for her in every good and bad part of life. Support her empower her and share out my soul with her. But that doesn't justify that i leave my mother who surely is yet most loved person in my life, in the age of her life probably when she needs me the most. If there is a problem it needs to be communicated and resolved. I love my mother and my wife both . It cannot be compared , but if you tell me to leave my mother however she behaves out of insecurity at the age of her life when she needs me the most after everything she did for me , well i am sorry.

I ask each and everyone of you to close eye and look back at your life and see each and every moment you spent with your mother from every gesture of love to care to sacrifices she made for you, even if you are a girl.

I think all it needs it to understand each and everyone's needs and try to suffice them. I married a lady and i love her and i will love her until my last breath. she is my responsibility / precious possession / love everything. but for this if she decides to LEAVE ME according to what your wise advice , well who am i to her ?

Dear maddymadman,
Every situation is different. But when you choose to become married to this 'precious possession' as you put it, you are choosing to make a new life. Part of this is now depending on your spouse instead of your mother. It is not saying you love your mother any less. It is simply saying, if a problem arises in life, seek first the advice/companionship of your spouse before seeking your mother. This will nourish your relationship with your spouse; which is greatly needed since it is so delicate and new. You have an awesome relationship already built up with your mother which is why it is so easy to turn to her first with issues, but that needs to stop in order to nurture your new relationship with your spouse. Your mother is there still, will be there, and can be turned to, helped, and nurtured but let her be the 2nd one you confide in now. BUT Mother does not need to know EVERYTHING. Figure out ways to make your new wife feel like she IS a priority in your life. This will in turn increase positive relations between your wife and mother. Good luck.

You should be able to balance between both of them and make both of them feel that they are respected.this is one of the art which a man who loves both of them should learn.if you really love your wife and you should try to solve her problem.she is wounded try to heal her and then try to balance both of their should always support whoever is right even the person who is wrong is your mother only then your wife slowly understands your feeling .she is not god to understand you without you acting apt.

This is a message to all the wives in the world, this might save you a lot of time from arguing. Realest thing ever

I'm coming with this after watching a video from some #%^*€£~$&8@ basically saying : "your husband will tell you that you asking too much. if his momma deserve the world, so do I. And I won't take no for an answer" . Don't know why she was putting it out there, let it be love or money etc.. Here is the point :

That's right moms and wives would Never box in the same cathegory. If he says you asking too much you probably is.. I mean it just leaves you with a stinky mouth. We love to give to our moms because they been giving without ever thinking or waiting on a reward. You probably like "oh I'm the one cooking and cleaning etc" sorry but somebody been doing this before without ever claiming anything but love. You wives better be thankful and enjoy the fruits of her "labour" and encourage your husband to give more to his mom even if he's doing a lot for her at the time and stop thinking about your selfish selves and I promise that man will cherish you and he will never put some in his mouth until he knows you've had enough, he will come home and empty all his pockets on you because you're the one he was looking for. Moms will love a son with no legs one eye and one brown teeth she will work and take care of him until she passes, if that same no legs man came to ask for your hand you would give him a dollar and some pity, if you don't laugh at his face of course. If you have a handsome respectful and successful husband that loves you it's because of his mom and your turn is gonna definitely come when your son would kill to give you the world etc.. It's called labour so get to work !!

So how are we wives supposed to feel when the husbands tell us that if it comes to choosing mom's happiness or wife's happiness, mom is always going to win and mom will always be more important? For a minute I thought I got it. I thought about if I ever had to choose losing my mom over my husband, I'd have to lose the husband- and told him as much, but then when I actually processed what he said, I realized he wasn't referring to a life or death type of situation like I was thinking, but instead was talking about everyday matters or family decisions.
We have been married 7 years and his mom is just coming to the U.S. I have never met her and my husband and I are both stressed out about it. My concern is that she is most likely going to be staying with us for several months (not happy about it simply because I like my privacy, but I understand- she's never been here, never seen her grandson...). Husband's concern is, as he so bluntly spelled out for me, that there will be issues because he feels that moms are more important than wives and he will always choose her happiness over mine. Doesn't seem like it would matter what she wants or asks, he will do it to make her happy. If it is not what he or I want, too bad.
Wtf? I don't expect him to quit loving, seeing, talking to her. I don't want him to not try to make her happy. I'm a fair person. But #^|!, don't I, as his wife for 7 years and mother of his child, at least deserve to be just as important (albeit in a different way) as his mom?
And if not, damn, does he really have to tell me? To use what you said (sort of), I know moms and wives aren't in the same category, but there's a number 1 heavy weight AND a number 1 light weight. They're BOTH number 1. I don't expect to replace her as top priority, but I should at least be pretty damn close to equal. And yes, I'd still love him with no legs and one brown "teeth". Apparently, it's not a mutual feeling though...

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I have been married in this situation for 9 years. Walk away before you have children. He can't change- he'll just lie to you and do things behind your back, and she'll poison him against you. The next thing you know, you'll be in a hospital in a state with no family or friends after giving birth to your first child and he'll be at your house with her because "she is lonely to stay out there by herself" but she was never invited to come in from out of state in the first place. I realize this sounds melodramatic, but it is neither the first nor the last heartache I have experienced and now wish I had left before children. I love my kids, love my husband, but am tired of feeling like this and being put last. Our youngest was recently hospitalized and we didn't know if he would make it- she asked for something I was uncomfortable with and he SCREAMED at me because I hurt her feelings by saying no. Please, don't learn the hard way. There is a man out there that can love you like you deserve- it will be hard, it will be painful to leave, but far less painful now than after a decade and 2 children.

Me too I have a mother in law that begged me to marry her son in the biggining than once I didnt do what she wanted me to. She became angry and stopped talking to me, then she started telling other family members that I would treaet her bad and then she moved away to where I used to live and took a picture of my husbands ex and showing her picture to other people telling them that she was better than me and that her son married the wrong person. She acts as the victim all the time and constantly talks about me and tells people I love that I talk behind their back. My husband does not want to believe that, he tends to give her more TLC than me. I ended up with a grudge. I honestly believe she wanted me to marry her son for papers. Its out of hand Im to the point of just getting a divorce since. I just had a son he first grandson from my husband and she was very upset that I wanted my mom to take care of him which made everything 10x's worse now my sister in law has stopped talking to me. I dont know what to do. I feel like I walked into a death trap. I love my husband but I cant keep this up and him just believing her. So my husband doesnt like to go to the ER with me when its dark because he works early and likes to get his sleep,but yesterday he took his mom because she was puking and was there till 11 or so and didnt seem to have a problem while ive had to drive myself to the ER passing kidney stones and had to be admitted twice. Now I dont says he shouldnt be that way with his mom but why would he not do that for me that im his wife?

I have the same problem it sucks so much. In fact its so bad that im spending Christmas at our house alone because he had to stay at his mommies house. It hurts me so much to know im competing with his family.

I was in a relationship and we loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but September 14, 2012 a day I can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because I answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but I refused, and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I begged him because I love him so much but he refused me I was so down cast and I felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love him very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman, so I ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great spell caster Ishvara Temple. if you need his help you can contact him on ishvaratemple@yahoo. com

You've got to sit down with him or alone first if you have to and envision a life lived differently, a life that meets your emotional needs. What's the same? What's different? Are there any things you could be doing to move you or your family closer to that life? Will he engage in this exercise as well? There's a good chance he's not 100% happy with everything in his life either. Finding ways to minimize his defensive reaction is key. I don't know him but I'm guessing he could have some strong feelings about "what it means to be a man" and some feeling(s) attached to "if I don't take care of my mom, that means I'm..." And "If I say no to my mom, that means I'm...." Anything you can work THRU mom? Like always giving her something to do for him because "you need her help" (so she gets the "I'm needed" message and is all involved in one project and be more likely to stay out of others?). Would other family members you trust have thoughts for you on how to handle the situation? Getting him the message that you feel sorry for him missing out on stuff at home/with you or kids or friends. How can mom still get her needs met while you can turn your phone off for an hour during Billy's game? A service? Someone from church is on call that hour? Nobody's leaving her hanging, just doing things a little differently. Hope you are well and finding some solutions!

Relationships are hard - and even harder when people's roles get mixed up (or intermingled). May I suggest first you go to some counseling to discuss how you see the situation and how to cope with the situation. A Marriage and Family Therapist would prob be best. You may be able to influence some behavior changes in others, but pretty much the only behavior you can change is your own. Explore how to tell your husband how miserable you are and how much you love him and want to find a better solution so everyone can get their needs met and be happier. (As opposed to "you make me miserable and need to change X, Y, and Z" which is very unlikely to get him into a discussion mode). See if you can get him to come to counseling with you - even just once - even alone - so the therapist can get a better sense of the situation from his perspective (not so the therapist can tell him how terrible he is or how everything is his fault - which is the usual fear). If discussion and problem-solving can happen - yeah! If not, talk to the therapist about what you are and are not willing to live with, how to approach/respond to your husband and his family and whether there are ultimatums that need to be explored? One thing to remember is that you, your husband, his mom, are all settled into particular roles based on history and custom and temperament - without really looking at these patterns of behavior and thought, it is hard for us to even notice our own patterns - it just feels "normal" to us. So making changes is definitely a process. What needs are being met by behaviors such as his mom making a point to talk about how much she loves him in front of you? Is there anything you could do differently that would meet this need(s) in other, more appropriate or adaptive ways? And if not, how do you deal with it then? A MFT could be really helpful in figuring some of this out. Good luck! Remember to have patience - it's taken years to get to this point, it will take some time for change to occur.

Please work on your spelling. It's so annoying to try to follow someone's story and there's typos everywhere. Take more pride in what you put out, as it is truly a reflection of how you think of yourself and what everyone else will think of you.

I have been married for 9 months now. We moved intogether 2 days before the wedding. He used to live at home with his mother whos husband has past 5 years ago. I started dating my husband 6 years ago. When his father past my boyfriend at the time was like the husband runner up. ( to his mother) now that we are married everyonce in a while he will sleep at his mothers. Or go out with the guys get drunk and go back to mommy cause he knows i wont deal with his drunkness. But dear old mommy will enable it. I dont speak to his family anymore cause they think they are always right. My husband would wipe after them if they needed him too. he is 32 with also 3 siblings 2 older who moved out who married men that have no siblings or only has a brother. So I am the only female invloved ever, like new in therer lives. So I tell my husband you shouldnt be sleeping at mommies its not right, but he does anyway cause he knows I will go crazy if he comes home drunk or high or whatever but mommy enables this behavior. So advice to me? Please I ran out of places to turn too and Im just about to get a one way ticket out of here.


DO you blame the mother? I think my mother in law enables it, cause she lost her husband 5 years ago and its like she married her son.

I feel the same way. I moved away 2000 miles so my husband could be home again and boy did he turn into a momas boy we live with her and he is up her *** 247

This mother in laws are always horrible. I also have same situation. I have got my first kid. so my mother in law has come for almost 1 yr. and she even did nt care about me.

They never change!!! The bible say you leave your family and cleave to your spouse. You are now one flesh......GOD can only change them....,,, unfortunately I am preparing myself for the end of marriage....,just so tired of feeling worthless:(

Hey Iam sorry, so funny how you mentioned that quote, I had that reading at the church. I am so sorry you feel this way I do too. It really blows. Iam not sure what to do either. I am going to pray for an answer.

Mine same problem too. My husbang always have time and care about his mom and his family. Eventhough like carry a light small thing, he rather do for his mom and give me bullshit execuse whenever I ask. Seem like I'm crazy just to get his care and feel frustated and depressed

like run around for them and go to the stores or watch his nephews and neice, Oh Ya I relate. It blows and what gets me is we are wrong and his family is right.

Hi, my husband loved his mother more than me... She's always telling how she's knows how much her son loves her... I have done nothing but show respect and try to please my mother-in-law. I have two children away at school and a little pre- schooler at home. My husband mother picked out my wedding dress, wanted invitations, flowers, candles show basically... She being a widow for 30 years raised her kids alone. She is still alone. I have great respect for her... She has raised caring and intelligent kids. They are all full grown adults with careers and their own families, including my husband. I gave her more than an inch and she took miles. My husband being eldest has this obligation to take care if his mother. She lives on her own now, but I feel as though she is sitting on my shoulder, judging me and watching how I take care if her 41 yr old son and my 3yr old son. If my husband ha even a cold, she brining soup and telling what her son needs in order to get better.. But when I'm sick in bed, in pain... She doesn't say much except, "you should take care if yourself... While I'm cooking, cleaning, ironing, taking my son to school... Running around like crazy... I burn out! I miss my other two who I raises as a single mother from the time they were 1 and 3... Now they are in university... I get treated like I know nothing. When I tell my husband he gets defensive and says " my just care that's all" I'm sad, depressed, lonely... My husband is caring and loving, but I feel his mother is always first. He runs over to her place every weekend with my son and expects me to go too! . He can't say no to her. I'm very uncomfortable at her place, ah takes over... I feel like there 3 in this marriage. Sorry if I went on and on... Needed to tell someone... I'm sitting having coffee alone at a codfe shop while my husband rests at home suggested by his mother.<br />
Thoughts? Thanks fOr liatening

You need to bail.He is never going to be your husband more than her son.

Not sureif it is going to be any good for you, since it is long time. I have checked it out today. But yes, I do understand what you are (or you had )going thru. Too be honest, only Time and both of yours physical relations can help in this, as These sort of husbands rarely improve. you need lots of patience. I know it because I am in the same boat. Infact, worse, atleast he gives you time in bedroom, I don't have that either. Councelling wont work a lot, it may do the matter worst, in my opinion.

I think one of the problems here is the fact that you are asking another person for help. While most married couples tend to visit a marriage counseler, it doesn't actually work. I believe it just makes your lover realize that you find something wrong about him or her, and they try to change it- resulting in them not being themselves, and putting a strain on the relationship.<br />
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Secondly, I can tell you this: if he cares about you, he will be able to have a very serious conversation with you. I suggest getting him alone or in front of his family. Tell them (in a serious tone-- don't get too emotional and make it seem like you can't think straight!) or him what is on your mind. Tell him that the fact that not seeing him during the time you feel you should is causing a rift between you two. Of course, he must see his family (reassure him in this!), but since you are technically family too, you should have time together and not just in the bedroom. Explain to him (and the family too, if they are present) what is really on your mind. If you do get emotional and cry, do your best to get everything out first, everything you have to say. If he really loves you, he should be able to listen. In this certain situation, I think it would be best to try to do this in front of the family, that way he can't yell at you. <br />
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Also, try coming to terms with his mother before approaching him. Admit a truce, and see where it goes. If she finds that you're aren't a bad person (and who nows, maybe it will be vice-versa) she'll be supportive in your confrontation. If she doesn't think you belong with her son, convince her. And if that still doesn't work, try to do somehting for your husband that will have him gushing to his mother.<br />
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This is all that I can really give you. I hope it works out. And if all else fails, bring him onto EP and show him how dedicated you are for his love since you asked a bunch of strangers to help you! I'll cross my fingers just for you!

Trusted third party counseling hon. My heart goes out to you.