I Am Human
Solitude…it is a time to be alone with your thoughts…and if need be, to put those thoughts on paper. It’s remarkable how much the act of writing those thoughts down creates clarity.
It’s a time for reflection…peering into your past, to study your own history…examining the present, to know yourself for who you really are…and gazing to the future, to set your course.
Solitude…it gives you the raw honest truth…and you are free not to hide from yourself…for there are none to demand it of you.
2012 was not a banner year for me.
It was a year in which the woman I came to love…the woman I determined to change my life for…the woman I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with…it was a year in which she threw me away.
It was a year in which the best man I have ever known…the only man I ever let close to me…the man who took me as a daughter and truly became my dad…it was a year in which he would die.
Solitude…it is the time we are alone...our winter…the cold which leaves us unable to feel…isolated…not really.
At the end of that year I found EP…and the opportunity to heal…not just through therapy and psychologists…but through community…those I could connect to. I embraced it…gently at first…light stories about heritage…and after a moment stories about sexual discovery…and then tributes to my dad. I made friends too…some very good friends, though at first I didn’t understand how good. They gave me the comfort to be me…the comfort to dig deeper. So new stories came…about loss…rape…and hurting. It was working…EP…it was working.
Last week was the emotional culmination of that year.
It was one year since she had thrown me away. Soon it will be one year since he died. One of my first and best friends here on EP left last week, and I didn’t understand until then how important to me she had become. I found out a friend I admire was getting married soon, and though I truly am happy for her, and wish her nothing but happiness in this marriage…it was hard for me to bear. I was erratic last week…more emotional than at other times, and I fought with people here…and tried to hold those most dear away from me. I crashed.
And so I sought solitude…for four days I spent my time alone in a log cabin, in the woods, in the biggest snow storm of the year. It gave me time to think…to reflect…and to assess.
It’s time to take responsibility for my life. It’s true…I have been subjected to terrible things and suffered hurts that no one ever should…but I am not the only one. Life is not always fair…or so it seems…but it is life and the alternative is…well I’ve been there before too.
There is a theory of existence that says we are all part of a greater whole and therefore we are all part of each other…a thousand single tears in a sea of weeping…the universe. We don’t understand it but we use it every day…this greater consciousness. “Ask and it shall be given.” The secret, I coming to learn is how to ask the right questions.
Why? Why me? Why now? Everything happens for a reason…yes? Yes, but the reason is us. We create our own luck…our own destinies. We see every day people who seem to have it all…and our first thought is “why can’t my life be like theirs?” Now what we are really saying…and the universe is listening…is that “my life is no good.”
Be careful what you wish for.
In the greater scheme of things, and you don’t have to agree because you have free will…I believe we are, as souls, all interconnected and part of a greater presence…God if you will…though its not really the term I wanted to use here. I also believe that the only way we can know ourselves is through the experiences we crave…that shape us.
Now no one who really knows the horror of rape, truly wants to be raped…but we ask in other ways. We cannot truly know hope, without sorrow, we cannot truly know love without heartbreak…and we cannot fill our lives with light, if we don’t also know darkness. It’s very hard for us to accept these concepts…because it demands we be responsible for our selves.
I still cry…for all the things I have endured…for the things I feel that others endure…because we are connected.
The world changes greatly every time there is a real global shift in consciousness…because there are enough of us to now conjure it into being…and we can, if we so choose.
Solitude…it gives you the ability to understand that in truth you are not alone…and that you are loved.
My life has been a journey…my journey…and only I can truly choose its destination. There will be those things along the path that would tempt me…pull me from my course…distract me. I have fallen…and I can choose to stand. My time of wasting is over.
It’s a time for reflection…peering into your past, to study your own history…examining the present, to know yourself for who you really are…and gazing to the future, to set your course.
Solitude…it gives you the raw honest truth…and you are free not to hide from yourself…for there are none to demand it of you.
2012 was not a banner year for me.
It was a year in which the woman I came to love…the woman I determined to change my life for…the woman I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with…it was a year in which she threw me away.
It was a year in which the best man I have ever known…the only man I ever let close to me…the man who took me as a daughter and truly became my dad…it was a year in which he would die.
Solitude…it is the time we are alone...our winter…the cold which leaves us unable to feel…isolated…not really.
At the end of that year I found EP…and the opportunity to heal…not just through therapy and psychologists…but through community…those I could connect to. I embraced it…gently at first…light stories about heritage…and after a moment stories about sexual discovery…and then tributes to my dad. I made friends too…some very good friends, though at first I didn’t understand how good. They gave me the comfort to be me…the comfort to dig deeper. So new stories came…about loss…rape…and hurting. It was working…EP…it was working.
Last week was the emotional culmination of that year.
It was one year since she had thrown me away. Soon it will be one year since he died. One of my first and best friends here on EP left last week, and I didn’t understand until then how important to me she had become. I found out a friend I admire was getting married soon, and though I truly am happy for her, and wish her nothing but happiness in this marriage…it was hard for me to bear. I was erratic last week…more emotional than at other times, and I fought with people here…and tried to hold those most dear away from me. I crashed.
And so I sought solitude…for four days I spent my time alone in a log cabin, in the woods, in the biggest snow storm of the year. It gave me time to think…to reflect…and to assess.
It’s time to take responsibility for my life. It’s true…I have been subjected to terrible things and suffered hurts that no one ever should…but I am not the only one. Life is not always fair…or so it seems…but it is life and the alternative is…well I’ve been there before too.
There is a theory of existence that says we are all part of a greater whole and therefore we are all part of each other…a thousand single tears in a sea of weeping…the universe. We don’t understand it but we use it every day…this greater consciousness. “Ask and it shall be given.” The secret, I coming to learn is how to ask the right questions.
Why? Why me? Why now? Everything happens for a reason…yes? Yes, but the reason is us. We create our own luck…our own destinies. We see every day people who seem to have it all…and our first thought is “why can’t my life be like theirs?” Now what we are really saying…and the universe is listening…is that “my life is no good.”
Be careful what you wish for.
In the greater scheme of things, and you don’t have to agree because you have free will…I believe we are, as souls, all interconnected and part of a greater presence…God if you will…though its not really the term I wanted to use here. I also believe that the only way we can know ourselves is through the experiences we crave…that shape us.
Now no one who really knows the horror of rape, truly wants to be raped…but we ask in other ways. We cannot truly know hope, without sorrow, we cannot truly know love without heartbreak…and we cannot fill our lives with light, if we don’t also know darkness. It’s very hard for us to accept these concepts…because it demands we be responsible for our selves.
I still cry…for all the things I have endured…for the things I feel that others endure…because we are connected.
The world changes greatly every time there is a real global shift in consciousness…because there are enough of us to now conjure it into being…and we can, if we so choose.
Solitude…it gives you the ability to understand that in truth you are not alone…and that you are loved.
My life has been a journey…my journey…and only I can truly choose its destination. There will be those things along the path that would tempt me…pull me from my course…distract me. I have fallen…and I can choose to stand. My time of wasting is over.
By:
IssytheViking
Age:
22-25
,
Female
