A View Of My DiaryKD = Exboyfriend and the man I love
R = Most recent exboyfriend
K = KD's new girfriend.
I want to keep names private.
Because KD lives in SC and I live in PA all we do is talk and fight.
A few say ago KD proceeded to tell me that our "love" relationship ended because of me, that by me still telling him I love him and asking him to come back it's like "kicking the dog", and that he doesn't want to leave K because she is great and doesn't do annoying things like I do. During this I cried and he told me to shut up (which I think is the first time he's ever done that). He told me he didn't love me anymore, and suggested that he loved her.
Yesterday I went out with my Sgt, he noticed my melancholy mood right away. You can always tell because my demeanor changes when I'm upset. I could barely look up. My self-confidence was so low. He asked me what was wrong, and for the first time I really told him about KD. He repeated to me what I usually say about relationships. No one is 100% to blame. I was blaming myself and begging for forgiveness from KD.
I thought over this today, so I called up KD (unfortunately woke him up, which normally he would be mad about). I let out everything I felt. I told him he's not the victim and that I had good reason to break up with him, it was because we weren't happy and he was treating me horribly. He knew this when I broke up with him but once I started going out with R and him with K things changed so much that the past and the reason why I made that "mistake" was a blur. It wasn't a mistake I had a valid reason for letting him go.
KD is a true man, he realized he was wrong. He grew, he took responsibility and he apologized. He knows that he has been "kicking my dog" longer than anything. I never left, my heart never left him (I swear). So he knows he can't say to me "you're bothering me, it's like you keep kicking the dog, the dog's going to leave" (that was kind of his excuse from distancing himself from me). So you see why me not leaving is so important. If he had asked me to come back I would have.
I know that we can make it work. He knows this and admitted this. He admitted that when he said he didn't love me it was a lie just to hurt me. But he's told K he loves her. He's made some choices now he has to decide how to deal with them. He told me he will change he just doesn't know whether a) he will come back to me b) stay with K c) take some time to be single and work on himself.
He changed while we were dating. His heart hardened, he became so miserable. To hear him cry was such a relief. My words cut into his heart. That's what I needed.
He has yet to make a decision, I told him I'd call him in a couple days if he doesn't call me first. I'm excited about this call, I hope it's either a or c because c I can work with I can watch him grow and adore him from afar.
I just can't watch him love someone else...