My First Love, I Think

My friends don't understand. They can't comprehend it. They just don't get why I can't stop being affected by this girl or why I can't just let her go from my mind. I'm hurt. ANd it sucks. I'm going to go real in depth into the whole story here.

Her name's Nadya. We met in grade 9. Me and her alongside this one other guy in ym school were selected to represent the school in the national Infomath competition (presenting a multimedia presentation on a math-related topic). We did our project on the Ferris wheel and sinusoidal curves. I've heard many things about this girl before. The guys, they were crazy for this girl apparently. I didn't even know she existed til the competition.

Prior to this competition(this was around august 2010 btw), I recently stumbled upon the seduction community. It was exhilirating to learn and find out there were people out there who devoted a large proportion of their time to bettering themselves and learning the ins and outs of female-male attraction dynamics. I was hooked instantly. I started seeing my self confidence skyrocket. From the shy boy who read almost all the time, I became so social. It felt good. It was great seeing how girls at school would actually give me some attention and even want to be around me.

Then I met Nadya. GOsh she was charming. She just ahd this energy that was like a black hole. I just loved her energy. We just hooked. We teased each other, hit each other playfully; She was really really feminine. She was the spokesperson for our project; I was doing the main bulk of doing the animations and putting everything together into a presentable complete thing. We got third place too btw :D

Weeks past and we just maintain this kinda 'hot and cold' game. One day I'd ignore her, the next I'd give her my full attention. I'd blow her off and then I'd stick to her like glue. And at this time I thought I was 'not supposed to be affected or show too much attraction by giving her an excess of validation'. That was the pickup doctrine I had been studying for roughly 2-3 months at this time.(I know now that doing as such is good to build 'investment' but after she's invested deep enough, it's time to mvoe on to comfort and rapport phase)

I realise that perhaps I've shot myself in the foot and I tell myself "**** this, I think I've screwed up. Giving up on this girl" then she and me were selected again to go to this town 2 hours away for this presentation on database systems. Me and her travel there in the backseat of this car along with two teachers who sit in the front. My aim of that day was to meet some of the other female students also attending this presentation. But that didn't happen. And it didn't happen because she was just so charming. Nadya charmed me on that trip. We sat together and god it was a great morning hanging out with her. On the return journey we held hands and massaged each others plams in the backseat of the car. I had an erection for 2/3 of the journey. God did my penis hurt when I got home.

Nadya was not the easiest girl to manage. To this date, we've broken up 12 times and got back together 11. And we started dating somewhere in the beginning of 2011. I know it seems ridiculous that,.. I mean,.. "12 times?? are you kidding me? You should have left her after the second time". I just couldn't resist her. When she pleads, I just melt; I lost all resistance. And when she breaks my heart I just die. I've messed up a few times too. we've cried on the phone together when I was begging her to forgive me. we've spent more than a few times in physical intimacy together at my place and I've just always felt safe and complete with her.

Then I moved away. I mvoed thousands of miles away from her. To an alien place, where whatever I had, social circles, friends, just was wiped clean. It was great for the first 3 months. We'd talk all the time over whatsapp or through facetime features on our ipods and ipads. We talked dirty, and I talked about how I wanna bring her out to Finland one day. How I wanted to do everything with her. I would have married that girl. I know marriage is a big deal and I just turned 18 at that time but I just really liked her that much. I don't know if it's just ebcause she was my first serious girl? Either way, the first 3 months were like I was still living in the same town with her.

Then,.. owh god,.. then her responses became longer and longer in between and she stopped communications for 5 days. I'd message her, tell her I was thinking about her (I always did, and I still do). I saw her friend online. And I asked her how Nadya was doing and I asked if she could get nadya to come on. She came on. This was September 2012.

She said she didn't want to be with me. Said we were never meant to be together. She'd found someone else. She said she needed someone back there... I cried. I just lost it. I've never ever, in the entire 18 years of my existence felt that horrible. I've just never felt that way. It was just so,.. lonely and sad. I just wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and be at ease and calm and just stay asleep. It was a Sunday. When I woke up the next day for school, I just,.. I don't know how I got through school. School in a new country, in a new place, with everyone: my parents, my friends, my brother, everyone thousands of miles away. I just wanted to cross the road and have a church van run over me. September,... it was the hardest month of my life so far. Nobody should have to feel this way. It truly is devestating.

Did I contemplate suicide? Definitely. The emotions that go into all this,.. it's devastating. It was like she died. I was just in a state of the most profound grief I've ever felt. I wanted to sleep and not wake. The only thing that did stop me, was my family and their continued existence. If they were to perish in an accident or some other catastrophe, I'd end it. My mum,.. keeps me alive.

It just hurts so much beacuse this was the girl who said 'she loved me' that she felt safe with me. Chose me over half a sozen other guys and hung with me even though our personal beliefs were worlds away. She was a muslim. I was an atheist. She knew fully well I know theirs no afterlife, or grand master plan, or that there is a celestial dictator who cares how she dresses or what she eats. She hung around anyway. She told me she loved me and then two weeks later she says there's someone else. I don't understand it. Was what we had love? I don't think love exists. It can't. It could never last.

I've got so much going for me. I am BRILLIANT apparently. I've maintained an academic average of 85-95% ever since grade 6. I've received for international award for scoring in the top 10% in the world for the Cambridge International GCE O Levels examinations in Physics. I've brought my school into the finals in the national chemistry quiz. I'm already accepted into university and I'm carving my way into either medicine school or a masters in astrophysics or genetics. Ever since the introduction in the seduction community, I've always been striving to improve myself with topics ranging from spirituality to online marketing. And yet, despite all this, I feel incomplete. I miss her. And I love her. And I just have no idea what I'm doing. Ever since, I've just not been myself. I'm socially awkward at my new school, I feel inferior to almost everyone and this just isn't me. It's not who I've worked myself to be. And I'm still hurt. And I still cry over her occasionally.

And my friends back home don't understand. They don't see why I can't just 'next' this girl. Throughout our year-long relationship and the heartbreaks and make-ups we've had, they were just a little disapproving and puzzled at our on and off relationship. Idk,.. maybe it's cause they've never had a SERIOUS heart to heart relationship themselves or maybe I am just too clingy. Idk... I just feel so unwanted right now. So abandoned and unloved. It's a feeling I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemies...
TheAspiredOnee TheAspiredOnee
Jan 7, 2013