When Will the Hurt Ever Get Better?

My husband left me the week before Christmas this past year. I can't begin to count how many times he has left in the past, but this time he had me at a lawyer's office the day after Christmas. My ex and I have had a rocky relationship for the 15 years we were together, but we always seemed to have a great friendship and enjoyed each others company and I thougt loved each other. No matter what we always found our way back to each other...not this time. I really can't explain the hurt and pain I live with everyday. I took care of my mother with Alzheimer's during our marriage. It was very stressful on a dysfunctional marriage that it was. We separated for 3 years at this point. My ex told me to take care of mom and he would get his life together. We still talked all the time, spent time together, traveled and shared a relationship. It was just a matter of time in my mind that we would be back together once mom went into a nursing home. Well that happened. Mom went into a home. I bought a house and he moved back in with me. Four months after he just left one day. During this time I found a pathetic love letter he wrote to his 'friend's' boss asking how he could get her back. Her? Stupid, naive me...all that time I was staying home day after day he was out starting a new relationship. I ended up finally for divorce. It never went through. We cancelled it months later  and reconciled and were moving forward in our relationship. He told me he only loved me and no one else. As I think back now...all the lies. It took him almost a year to finally get 'her' out of his life after we got back together. She would still call and text him. He would always have a reason as why...now I know because he couldn't let go. She cheated with my husband but I became the criminal and she became a victim through the whole ordeal. I called and asked her a number of times to please leave my husband alone. My voice was cracking and you could tell I was upset. When we first got back together we went on a vacation. She was upset that we did. I called her from our trip because she was still texting my husband. She wanted to get back at him so she put harrassment charges on me for asking her to leave my husband alone. Months went by and I found he was still communicating with her....he was very much at fault but I loved him and believed everything he would tell me. I finally had it one night and I called her again. This time I wasn't so nice and had a few choice words to say...none which aren't true. She filed harrassment charges again on me. I was arrested and stayed in jail over night. I had to appear in court on two different occassions because she lied to the da to prolong the whole thing. $1500.00 later, a restraining order and it was over so I thought. Oh my husband picked me up from the jail in the morning upset and feeling awful.We went on with our lives. We took a vacation this past October and he aranged for us to renew our vows on the ocean. The water was too rough the day we were suppose to so he was making arrangements for when we got home. 2 months later he just walked out again. Called me one night from his mommie's house and said he spoke with a mediator and wasn't coming home. I was clueless, numb, in disbelief. He said it had nothing to do with her...that shipped had sailed and they would never be together again and besides she had a boyfriend. Of course he new she had a boyfriend because I found out after he left he saw her the month before. Not even two weeks after he left he was right back in contact with her and within weeks she dumped her boyfriend. He insists to this day that him leaving had nothing to do with her and there is nothing going on with her now. He left because of our inability to get along. We had an abusive relationship. One I am not proud of but this 6'6 250 lb guy will tell you I beat the crap out of him for years. Oh I got him good many of times, but it was only after I could take so much of the emotional and verbal and mental abuse from him. he would never admit to that...he did nothing wrong and didn't deserve to get beat. Blah blah blah. It is just very hard because he promised we would go to marriage counseling which we never did. We talked about and looked into moving to another state. He told me constantly how much he loved me and only months before he left we got another pet. Now he is gone. Spending his time with her. I am alone left to fend for the house and our 7 animals. I keep asking how could he do this to me? He has become a nasty heartless bastard these days. He is someone that I never even knew and I truly believe it is because of her. He always said she wasn't anything at all that he would ever be interested in and that is for sure until now. We are night and day...thank god. I have morales and respect for others and she is the total opposite. Everyone is out to get her. She is so perfect and innocent. I never imagined losing my best friend. I never imagined it would get so nasty between us. I just scream at him if and when we talk because I have so much frustration. He is never wrong and everything is my fault....how much can one person take and deal with in life. I gave this man everything and anything I could. He is a loser...I know that. He has nothing to his name. Doesn't have a job. For years I worked two jobs to support us and took care of the house while he sat on his *** or helped his mommie out at her house. There is another part of the problem. Her baby can do no wrong and she is always there to bail him out.I know this is the best thing that could happen, but I have so much hate for him for doing this to me...he lied, used and betrayed me. He was my best friend as well as my husband and companion. He was my life. Everything I have and grown to love involved him. His life became my life. This isn't what I wanted and it is still so fresh. I can't imagine starting over at 40. All the hate I have there is still love there for him too. He was a good man. He was caring and loving to me and now it just hurts the way he is and has treated me. I tell myself what comes around goes around and I hope it hits him and his 'friend' someday in a big way. You just don't treat decent, good hearted people the way the two of them have. I didn't deserve this.

betrayer betrayer
36-40, F
Mar 8, 2009