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Some Days I Succeed...Other Days.... Not So Much

No one told me it would be this hard. No one warned me that I was getting too close. No alarm bells went off to tell me that I was on the edge of the cliff and in danger of falling head over heels. So, I fell - right off that cliff before I knew what had happened. But as the old story goes, I had no right to do that. Still....you are my first thought in the morning and my last thought at the end of the day. I think of you and our conversations of hopes and dreams and how it could have been in another time and place. It doesn't matter if we have just spoken or if its been a few days, this longing for you doesn't subside. I'm not sure how it happened, I can't explain it, yet after the year that's gone by, you have become one of the most important people in my life. I am afraid that that part will never change and I'll always feel as though a part of me is missing. Perhaps there are those who say I should have known better and I deserve all the pain that I get. The only answer that I have for them is that I didn't get a choice in where my heart would go. I didn't seek you out and consciously decide that you were the one. I didn't ask for this and since I understand the concept of 'no win situation' I will never ask you to leave your family. I will continue to love you, from here, so far away, taking only the left overs and giving you what I can to let you know someone genuinely cares for you. The times that are the most painful and the most difficult to stand by and say nothing are the times when you are hurt and in need. It nearly kills me, but it isn't my place to run to your side and take care of you, so I do what I can and you know that I'm always here for you. I am and continue to be heartbroken yet strive to wear this fake smile and pretend that all is well with the world. Some days I succeed and other days...well....not so much.
LadyBronte LadyBronte 46-50, F 10 Responses Jul 27, 2010

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Beautifully written

you're a brilliant writer :)

Thank you. :)

I highly relate to your story. "I didn't seek you out and consciously decide that you were the one." Perfect words, and as Tigermoth said, so heartfelt... You have all my sympathy. I have a motto that gives me strength, but I hesitate to share it in public... about the triumph of spiritual connectedness over the barriers of space and time. In spite of the pain, it's the deepest psychological realities that win. Always. :)

Thank you. I appreciate your comments. You are right - psychological realities do always win.

So heartfelt never easy loving someone from afar.

You are right - it is never easy nor does it ever get easier.

Perhaps someday you will find love that will be returned to you and hold that feeling in your heart

It doesn't appear to be anywhere on the horizon. But perhaps there will come a time....

That is exactly what I am talking about LG - he lost two very close family memebers and it was so hard to keep my distance. But I knew that I had to - it was not 'my place'. So, we totter on - trying to keep a balance of distance and 'friendship'......

:(

Just wanted to add, re ; your paragraph about how it hurts when you know they hurt but you can't go to them.<br />
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"his" dad has just died - unexpectedly a few days ago. I want to comfort him and be there for him but .... It's not my place to do so. I do not want to intrude on the family grief. I maintain a respectful distance and stay on the fringes. Now is not the time to overstep invisible boundaries. He hasn't been at work. He called me but I was out of the office. All I have been able to do is send a text and tie it in with work related question and keep a respectful distance. It hurts that I cannot be there for him while he is hurting. But he will need his wife. It is not 'my place' to be 'there' for him during this time.

Knowing how I feel about him and vice versa, it would just make the situation worse and as said, it just "isn't my place" or right that I should be there for him. Would be a very bad move/gesture on my part to do so! It's not nice, is it, Lost that all we can do is stay back when the intentions are genuine concern for one we care too much for!

You too LadyBronte :)

I'm sorry that you both understand how this feels. I hope we can someday manage to put it into perspective. I get by and life is good, but there is always something missing. It doesn't seem like the feeling ever really goes away. At least from where I'm sitting.... Good luck to you both!

I understand all the nuances of this type of situation.<br />
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I blocked, fought it, became exasperated with it, upset, angry with it. The list of emotions go on..<br />
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'he' has become one of the most important people in my life.<br />
<br />
I can never be with him in the way I want. I now just accept. I still love him. But it hurts even though I do accept.<br />
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I understand :(

Thanks for your understanding and kind hugs Artsydesigns. You are right. There is nothing that can prepare you for the hurt and the loneliness.