It's All Crashing...

So, I'm not going to school today. Again. Lately, the thought of going there is the only thing that triggers my anxiety. But it gets bad whenever I'm about to go out the door. My heart starts racing, it gets difficult to breathe, my insides are screaming. It feels like I'm about to go into a war zone.

I feel terrible for not going, especially because my mentor has really tried to help me make it easier for me. I feel like I'm letting her down, and every time I don't go, it gets a little more difficult to face her. It's a vicious circle.

On top of that, the person I was closest to just dropped out. He was in my study group last year, and we were put in the same study group again this year. I've been told later that they did this because they knew I needed the support of someone I knew well. Now he's gone. The remaining two members of the group aren't any help. One of them keeps not doing his things and tries to put the responsibility on me, and the other one keeps using my depression and my anxiety against me. He makes me feel like I can't contribute with anything, even though I felt so competent and secure in my abilities last year.

I feel so worthless, so incredibly small. So incapable of living up to my own standards. I feel like I'm trying so hard to get my life back on track, but I can't even get myself to get out the door. I'm so worn out, and most of all I'm sick of struggling. It feels like whatever small progress I'm making is completely in vain because it all just comes crashing down whenever I come to class. As a result, I now feel like I'll never achieve my dream.

I feel like I'm letting everyone down, most of all myself. And the worst part is, I feel incapable of doing anything about it.
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Dec 11, 2012