Oh F I just can't wait for this month to come to an end. My mind is just filled with things the past few weeks. I feel like I can't get out of my own head. I miss my ex so much, and I hate to admit that to myself, maybe this is the first time I am admitting it to myself. I miss having someone there for me, when I am hurting but how can I miss someone who caused so much hurt. My ex got into drugs I wish to say on a whim but there was a lot of lead up to that. He was not who he is when he was on them and I ran into him a few weeks ago when I was out with a friend of mine. He was with his... beautiful, stunning very pregnant now wife and we talked for a moment. I felt like you could cut that tension with a knife. He said did you get my letters I said mmmm hmm yup.... I sure did, which he knows means I have no interest in discussing this with you. When he went to get help he sent many pleading letters for a second chance that feel into the trash can because I knew there was no way in hell I would ever take him back... no never. The issue is that does not make me love him any less. I got into the car and my friend asked me if I was fine I said yeah just has been what almost three years now, god almost three years that we have talked it sounds like not too long but it feels like a lifetime she said said again are you sure your ok I said I am fine really...yeah that was until we got about three lights up and I bust into tears. She pulled over and gave me the bigger hug that I have ever received and so desperately needed.

I wish I could reach out to people I wish I could say ******* it will someone take ten goddam mins to listen to me, to hear me out, to just let me vent. I feel like no one has the time and how selfish of me to expect them too! I mean really.

I feel like my biggest supporter is my brother and he is so busy with his family we talk maybe twice a week at best it use to be every day. I feel like it is my fault no one knows I am hurting, and maybe I should just say hey I want someone to talk too. I made the first step and set up a therapy apt wow doesn't that make me sound crazy! It's been three years no that I have been out of an abusive relationship but I still dream about it every now and again. I still have moments where when watching tv something may make my heart skip a beat or books like 50 shades of gray that just become so much I find myself tossing them on the floor.

I wonder if I am just ****** up crazy maybe I am the the one who has all the issues. Maybe it was me the whole time. I wonder about things I said to push him buttons I can do that.

People often think they have upset me when they haven't truth be told conflict makes me recoil and maybe come off like a ice queen when really it's me protecting myself. My ex and I never fought that was the weird thing it was just when he was high and felt like being a bully. He is clean now and seeing him so freaking healthy and happy ok I am going to say it...made me mad. How dare you be happy how dare you be healthy and enjoying life no that is not fair that is not how karma works.... maybe this is my karma. The pain the weight like a ball and chain around my heart maybe that is Karma for something I have done wrong.

Maybe this is all one big **** storm that I have created and just can't take responsibility for. Maybe its me that is the problem.

I hope that I am able to find someone who I can open up too and has the time for me too.

Ugh just one of those days I guess!
Chicgeekgal Chicgeekgal
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

Same here .