Physically Hurting. Emotionally Torn In Two. Three. Ten.I am so torn. I was scared. I was hopeful. I was wanting but terrified of "it" happening. Well....like decided to take that worry away from me. No more worrying. It has happened again. And I don't know how to feel. Part of me is too ******* chicken to go through Dil issues again. I can't take seeing him during those bad days. Part of me says "life is short. Next time could be perfectly fine. Another doesn't HAVE to have the same issue"
I wish that voice would either scream or shut the hell up. I tried...am trying. And life kicked me again. I can't stand seeing it fade away. The nightmares.....I guess they were founded. They did mean something.
I haven't told my husband. I don't know how to. I told myself I would tonight. But I'm scared of how he'll take it. After the very first miscarriage our marriage went to ****. That is when he changed. He's been more the person I once knew...but will this be what brings the monster back? Can I take another blow? Can I put myself and my son through this again? I don't know..I really don't.
I wasn't very far this time. I thought it would be easier. Last time was 6 weeks. Before that 17 weeks. Both hurt the same mentally. Sure...everything will pass. But that empty feeling lingers no matter how long I carried.
I left my mum a voice mail. Nice daughter aye? *shrugs* I'm a chicken....like I said. I can't tell my sis today. She is SO hoping it will happen. It's her birthday today. I won't do that to her today.
I just want to feel like it isn't my fault. That there isn't some reason that life keeps hurting me. I know in my head that it's normal. That these things happen. But my heart is paranoid and trying to hide from the world. I hate being torn.