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My Daughter

I wasn't the best mother to her.
I fell deep into depression after giving birth to her and did not seek help until it was too late.
My family just left me as I was and did not bother asking if I was okay, so I suffered in silence.
Her father beat me constantly and I finally had the strength to leave him one day after having my son.
But I took with me a lot of pain and hurt that I then transferred onto my daughter. 
I find it hard to say this but I abused her. 
I physically and mentally abused her. I am not at peace because of this.
I know that my state of mind contributed to what I did, but I live with this hurt everyday.
Child services was called and she was taken back to her father, who in turn took her out of the country without my consent. But I honestly see this as karma punishing me, even though I was mentally sick at that time.
Every time I think about her, a pain hurts deep in my chest, my eyes burn with fresh tears and I find myself hating myself for all the things I done that could have been prevented.
I always have flashbacks about her tired eyes with dark circles because she had absorbed all my negative vibes and sadness and flashbacks of me hitting her in rage.
It breaks my heart, even though now fours years later she is now a vibrant healthy and beautiful 6 year old. 
It still hurts me deeply, that I don't think I could ever forgive myself. 
And what hurts me the most is that I couldn't protect her from myself at that time.
DarkHeartLove DarkHeartLove 26-30, F Aug 1, 2012

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