I Really Want This Year To Be New And Full Of Hope For My Son And I.

Ok, I am going to just write this train of thought. It might not make sense. Or it might. I am a single mother who is very happy and grateful to have my precious son. I get very melancholy sometimes thinking about the past and wish that I would just look to the future and not even bother with the past. In 2006 my ex husband and I had a son who passed away at 9 days old. It was very traumatic and sad and I never even was able to take him home from the hospital. My ex husband just could not get along after we lost our son. We went through spurts where everything was fine but he drank 15 beers every single night and it was just really hard to deal with his yelling and screaming at me after I came home from work. He would never even remember that he yelled at me the next day and act like nothing happened. Eventually, I became very depressed. On a strange day in August 2009, my friend convinced me to go to a gallery opening with her. I went and never returned home ever again. I fell in love, or so I thought, with the gallery owner and he swept me off my feet. I instantly felt like he was my soul mate and he told me that he was and that we would have a son. He knew that I had lost a baby and he was convincing that he really loved me. Under this man's spell, I quickly divorced my husband and gave him the house and everything I owned except my clothes. My new boyfriend seemed like a successful man and I was so naive thinking that we would soon have a happy family. I got pregnant almost immediately and I was so happy and excited, but also terrified since my first son passed away from a genetic anomaly. I went to the hospital and got so many genetic tests and was thrilled when everything was going great with the new life inside of me. I thought my dreams were finally coming true and that I would finally have a family. Sadly everything changed pretty quickly when the father of my baby started doing crack when I was 7 months pregnant. I was terrified. He was very abusive and scary and I was frozen with fear. He promised that he would get clean and enter a recovery program. He just continued and lied all of the time and was no longer the person that I thought he was. I remember when our son was born and he came to the hospital one day and yelled at me because he said the hospital room was a mess! I had a c section, so was not able to walk around and clean. I was in denial and just hoping that he was clean. One night when my son was 4 months old, he punched me in the back and knocked the wind out of me. I tried to call the police but he took my phone from my hands and begged me to just let him go into a treatment program and not call the police. My son was crying and I just wanted to nurture him and for the madness to stop and I believed him that he would go. But he did not. Then when my son was 5 months old, he said that he was going to the Verizon store to fix his phone. He had my car and did not return for 5 days. I was horrified! I thought for sure that he was dead. He left me and our 5 month old baby alone with no food, no money, and no car. His family started ignoring my calls and his friends said they did not know where he was. I filed a missing persons report, so worried that something terrible had happened to him. To this day he yells and screams at me for calling his friends and family when he was missing for 5 days. We were all alone in a city with no food and his family just wanted to stick their heads in the sand. I was so shocked that they weren't worried too, but looking back I now know that they knew he was on a crack binge and just wanted me to pretend like nothing was going on! He thinks that I was a terrible person for calling them. He says this is the reason that he can not trust me and this is the reason that he left me for another woman when our son was only 8 months old. I have since found out that he has used many women for hundreds of thousands of dollars and was even being investigated for being a con artist. I thought the house he was renting was full of his things, but it was a furnished rental and all he had was a few clothes. I also found out that he has quite a long record and has had many restraining orders filed against him. It has been a struggle being a single mother but I am eternally grateful that I have been able to protect my son from the violent outbursts, unpredictable rage, and emotional, mental and physical abuse that I had endured while with this person. I am so sad that my son's father is not a man that I could even trust for a minute to be alone with my son. I would love to have my son be able to spend the weekend with his father, but I can not trust someone who is so volatile. He has threatened to kidnap my son and move to Mexico with him with the woman he is with because she has a lot of money and he said they could disappear forever and I would never find them. I have so much fear of this man and am terrified and I do not trust myself to ever choose another partner since I did such a rotten job the last time. He has been gone for 2 years now and I have not even thought of dating again. I need to protect my son and I just can't trust anyone to be in our lives. I am so proud of my son and know that a part of me will always love his father since he gave me my son, but a part of me will always live in deep fear of this man who doesn't seem to have any empathy or compassion and who blames everyone else for his own choices. Anyway, it's been tough and I'm glad I had a place to tell my story. <3
WishFlower WishFlower
41-45, F
Jan 6, 2013