I Am Hurting
We all have trials that we must go threw. No one gets a free pass on that on. That being said i guess it goes without saying there isnt a shortage of shity hands being dealt at all times to a lot of people. My life wasnt easy, i was attacked a the age of 14 and left for dead to watch my freind die in front of me and was left paralized from the waist down. Later i dealt with drug and alcohol addiction and still deal with it on a daily baisis. Ive lost friends to the same issues. Ive been thrown into looney bins for no reason, even though i know i have psycholigicl problems due to trauma ive seen and experianced. I have o.c.d. and severe bi-polar dissorder, lost freinds and family to that also.
But... Threw all of it i can honestly say it sucks the hugest of donky *****, and wouldnt have it any other way. Man, im not trying to pull this whole " look at how good im doing even though all this **** has happened" bull. What im saying is i wouldnt have known how great the freinds i have are if i didnt have the bad ones, wouldnt know the love i feel for my freinds and family if i hadnt lost so many, i wouldnt get the joys i have if i didnt have the pains i had growing up, getting beaten up, getting abused by ex girlfriends( i admit it), being cheated on, lied to, used, threatened, robbed, blindsided, and all the other ****.
Yeah i hurt alot, and alot of times its seems unbearable, sometimes i want to push the butten and end it all, i want to scream and ***** and moan, i want to rip things apart. But it doesnt make it any better to wallow in it. Living in the past made me a misserable person who did a lot of self distrctive things i can never take back. Looking forward made me live life that wasnt real and set up unrealistic expectations for my self an others, and when the world came crashing down , i still had all that old hurt compounded by new pains of being homeless, jobless, alone and batshit crazy.
I am a mess. No denying it...
But its mine. I am the strong mofo that will back my buddies and take that hit thats gonna bleed ,bruise, and scar my body, mind and phschi, i stand up for my male and female freinds who get smaked around when no one else will, even though my legs dont work. Ive taken my shair of beatings, i help people that need it and its a hard life.
It hurts every single day, missing my freinds, my legs, my family, my sanity, mental and physical pain i cant control and new hurts come all the time. But they also lessen as time goes by. There are 2 sides to this coin. My mother is an awesome woman who never gave up on me, my 2 best freinds in the world would gladly eat a bullet for me as readly as i would for them, i got no regrets that i cant rectify or dismiss as something i cant control. The people i know and accociate with are for the most part good, decent folks (even though we look like the bad guys, and girls), the scars we have are badges of honor that no one can ever take from us, reminders of the good and bad, the soft touch and the knuckles we've eaten, the sweet dreams and nightmares. And on most , the latter is far more abundent, but it makes the former that much more beutiful when they come around.
What works for me may not help others and hope no one ever leads a life like mine, pipe dream i know, but if i can help im there. All i can say is embrace what ales ya and know that some got it worse and there isnt a gauranty of anything other then time will pass and it will get a little better every day. Its up to you to make it better.
