And I Ruminate and Worry Way Too Much

But maybe this particular case is worth worrying about. See, I have a couple that I'm friends with. I was friends with each of them, individually, before they started dating, and before they got married. Truth be told, I considered (or maybe I even attempted to--I can't remember now) dating the girl. But, she and my buddy connected, and the rest is history. I'm happy for both of them, but being friends with he, her, them, is a complicated proposition. Maybe it's an impossibility. Yet...I hope it's doable.

Tonight I was over there hanging out with them having a grand time. We hung out talking for a long time, my playing couples counselor and stand-up comedian all-in-one. Even when we're just talking and hanging out, I feel awkward sometimes...really concerned that maybe I'm looking at her too much, and not looking at him enough. Maybe he'll think I'm interested in her in a romantic/physical/sexual way. Yes, I think she's attractive, but I'd never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with either one of them. Hell, while I do think she's attractive and I do like her, I don't want anything from her. If that makes sense.

So I find myself worrying, though, that he might think that there's something going on there--when nothing is going on there. She might find me attractive, and I her, but it seems to me that most people tend to hang out with people and be friends with those who they find attractive. Rarely will you find someone who's friends with people they don't think are attractive. If they are then there are other elements at play there. It's not completely unlikely; it happens. I even have some friends that I don't think are attractive, but they're not that great of friends, and yes, I think that they reflect something about my internal state (to some extent).

Oh, so we finally get around to watching a movie. They're sitting on the couch, and I'm curled up in their...what're they called...um, round, bowl shaped chair things...riiiight. I can't remember. Okay, so I'm sitting in that round-bowl-shaped-thing and the movie is Prime. Good film. Very real. It ends; not on a good note. Kinda a downer ending if you know what I mean. Frustrated that we just watched yet another movie which beats the viewer over the head with the lesson Love Sucks, I throw the pillow I've been clutching to my chest at my buddies wife. Whoops. I realize now that could've been interpreted as flirtatious. Or could it? Or should it? Maybe it was. I don't know. When he asked "why did you just throw a pillow at my wife?" I responded that I was frustrated because we'd (she and I) had just had this conversation the other day about how much we hate it when movies are all about the suck situations in life (like the fact that relationships and love often doesn't work out at all). So I was throwing the pillow at her because I guess I felt...hell, I'm not sure. Like she was probably equally frustrated about the movie in the same way I was for the same reason. Like throwing the pillow would validate that. I guess I felt like it was an emotional frustration and only she--a woman--would be able to understand my expression of emotional frustration. Besides, it would be weird to throw a pillow at him. Very weird.

I think I feel like she and I are like cousins or step-siblings. We have affection and even attraction for one another, but we're not actually interested in one another in any way like that.

However, if her husband (my buddy) interpreted things differently at any point, it would screw up my friendship with him, her, and them. Which wouldn't be happy for any of us.

What do I do? Or do I simply make my best efforts to remain above-the-table in every way and leave it at that and not worry about it any further?

Still, it IS a minefield. Men typically have a hard time with their significant others (wives or girlfriends) liking other guys--even if it's just a platonic liking. Anyone have any tips on how to navigate this minefield safely?

On the hyper-sensitive aspect: I think I may sometimes overthink things way too much. Maybe I worry about how others are reacting to me way too much. Maybe I should stop reading so much into people and stop worrying about how what I'm saying is being received or how receptive others are to me and simply be myself. But maybe that hyper-sensitivity to how others are reacting to me is an essential part of me. Maybe it plays an essential role in who I am.

To be utterly frank, I worry about what my relatives think about the fact that I am so popular with their children (my younger cousins). Do they think it's weird? Do they worry that I'd be (god forbid) a child molester or something equally perverted and horrible? Yeah, that's just how hyper-sensitive and how much of a worry-wart I am. I can't stand the idea of anyone thinking ill of me so I probably act far more rigid and awkward in many situations then I really need to be. *sigh* It's getting a little ridiculous when my enjoyment of time hanging out with my younger cousins is strangled by a dark cloud of worry about what my relatives (their parents) think of my popularity.

Am I the only one who is like this?
liferiot liferiot
26-30, M
1 Response May 11, 2007

There's a saying all's fair in love and war, however these people are married. And they are your friends. I do think you should find someone else that would be able to appreciate your affection. Ask yourself if you would be able to make her happy the way your friend does. Or will she be happy with you the same way with her husband? Honestly speaking they are your friends and just support them. If you do otherwise the friendship will be ruined. Better to have her in your life as a friend, than not in your life at all1