Imagine if you will, a little girl/woman, slowly needing more than she is getting, thinking she must not deserve more. Holding on is getting so hard. She keeps waiting, holding tightly but losing patience. Her hands are bleeding. Her heart aches. Her eyes are filled with tears. She doesn’t think she asks for much. She only wants to feel secure. She only wants to know that someone is there beside her, waiting with her. The lights begin to fade until there is only blackness.
Holding hands, they walked, talking about nothing, talking about everything. They were going no where. No where - together. It felt good to her. She wanted to stay right there, forever, it felt that good. They kept walking, holding hands, united by a bond no one else knew. No one had been where they were walking. No one had talked about the things they shared. No one had felt the way she felt on this wonderful day, with this wonderful man. No one. She was sure of this fact. Together, they walked into the light.
She was waiting for the rest of the dream to consume her. She knew this man - the one who walked with her, the one who talked to her, the one who shared so much with her; his thoughts, his time, his love. He was the one she wanted to share forever with. She waited patiently for the man to realize she was the one he would never have to fear. Her heart was truer than any heart he held before. Together they could be anything. She waited, for more than a day, in the warmth and the light that their love gave to the sun.
It’s not true to say that she was never satisfied. Many times he told her what she needed to hear, he held her so closely that she just knew he would never want to let her go. They would share the things she needed to share. She knew he needed her. She let the dream convince her it was all true. Everything she was seeing was real. She had never felt this way before. She was happy with all he was. She let her love fly with the man. She let her heart stay with the man, even when he stayed away. She must not use all of his time for her own needs. Oh, but it had been such a long time, dreaming about this day. It was so hard giving him the time away from her that he needed. There was so much she wanted to do with him, so much more she needed to give him. She tried so hard waiting for the rest of the dream to meet her in ecstasy. She waited for the man to meet her there too. She waited to be with him. Lying on her back, watching the skies, she waited alone.
And there she sat. Night after night. Waiting. She knew he would be there soon. Disappointment was not her worry. The skies began to gather clouds. She made shapes from the clouds. She smiled as she waited.
No longer able to wait alone, she went to the man. Questions. Those damned questions that must be asked. Answers. Those damnable answers that she never wanted to hear. When did the rules change? When did they begin walking in different directions? Didn’t they feel the breeze? Didn’t they see the darkness coming in? Couldn’t they walk, holding hands, talking about nothing, talking about everything again? Could they no longer be the first to feel the power true love brings? She began to realize it was not the dream she was really seeing. She stood and through the tears in her eyes, she looked at the man, wondering who he really was. She remembered who she thought he was and her heart pounded strong in her chest. She remembered his touch and felt a warmth rush over her like the waves on the beach. She remembered all the talks and wondered how she could have misunderstood his words so clearly. She listened to the dark silence and wanted the man even more than before. She wanted to reach out to him, wanted to feel his arms around her, wanted to feel his breath on her neck, wanted to dance with him again. She wanted to give her all to him again. But the wall was stopping her. She didn’t know how to pass by the wall. She knew soon - oh so soon - the wall would block both of their views, block both of their warmth, block both of their memories, block both of their needs and they would be left standing alone. Alone and wondering when the wall was built. She knew soon they would grow tired of looking at the wall and would search for better sights to see. The darkened clouds began to condense overhead and it started to rain.
I sit here at the letters, trying to bring meaning to my feelings. Is there nothing I can say to break through the wall being built so quickly? So needlessly? How can I tell you all I need to say now, knowing you hear words I do not speak? How can I begin to tell you just how much this relationship has meant to me, means to me, without scaring you away? How can I tell you about the confusing signals I get from you without making you feel that you have done anything wrong? How can I tell you of all my needs when I know you could never understand? How can I continue any longer with this relationship knowing it does not change? I have confidence it could work forever for you and me. You are not so sure. I have waited long enough in the darkness alone. I am scared now.
(The curtain drops but there is no one left to applaud.)