Post

What to Do, What to Do????

My marriage sucks, I will just put it out there. I have NEVER spoken to anybody about this before. This is why my marriage sucks.... my hubby works an evening shift. We have one son, so when I get off work, it's all me. There is nobody here when I need to anything. It's either take my son or don't go at all. Plus, it's ALL on me to cook, clean, work full time, and take care of our son. I feel overwhelmed a lot of times.

Then there is my husband's drinking. He drinks at least 4 to 5 times a week. He actually gets a lot happier when he drinks, but I don't care I don't like it. He drinks at home (never goes out or drinks and drives) but I don't care, I hate that habit. Pretty much I've been told to live with it or leave. I know he will never change because he was that way when I met him. But young stupid me thought he would grow up someday, but now I see he will not.

What should I do?? He's at work all evening, he drinks (which I also don't want my son to pick up on), and he doesn't care that I don't like it. We haven't even had sex for two monthes. I want a divorse, but because I am a Christian I just don't feel that it is right.

If anybody reads this, please give me your advice. Thanks.

Emmy1980 Emmy1980 26-30 15 Responses Jan 15, 2008

Your Response

Cancel

Hi Emmy1980

When you live with a drinker you end up doing everything. They come up with many excuses not to do work. Alcoholism is a disease and they will not stop drinking.
You mentioned that you are not happy when he drinks. Even if he is happy when he drinks he is not himself under the influence of alcohol so you are dealing with two people.
The one who is sober and the one who is not. There are millions of families who have someone who drinks in excess and it affects everthing. You can tal with this person but if they are an alcoholic they will come up with a million excuses and minimize the problem.

Being Christian has nothing to do with making the right decisions in your life. Religion sets rules that often keep people in bad situations. My mother stayed in a marriage for 40 years and was miserable, just because her priest told her she couldn't leave him.

What does an institution of some kind know about your heart? Only you know about your heart and what you have to do. In some ways a church group can give support but they can also be judgemental because if they have strict rules - this isn't healthy.

Life changes and people change and we must have the courage to change with it, regardless of what anyone dictates to you. You alone are in charge of your life.
You may find comfort in your faith to carry you through bad times and this is a positive thing, but if it keeps you in a toxic relationship because you think your belief system is the only answer to your problems - you are going to have to step out of the box or you may end up like my mother who spent her entire life with someone that made her miserable.

She is 91 and my father passed away over a decade ago and to be honest she went on with her life just fine. I somehow would like to put in print what she really thought about staying, but I will keep it to myself. It proves that religion didn't have the right answer for her and she could have done much better making her own decisions.

Good luck.

Sit him down and let him know how serious you are and how unhappy you are,Let him know straight up and if he wants the same thing give your marriage 100%.It sound like he is hurting about something also. Sometimes men can think we are nags we might have hurt their pride or feelings, and instead of talking about thing they hold on to bitterness and resentment they resorts to other things and shut down. I'm a Christian also and when you do all that you can to make your marriage work, GOD lets you out. But you have to try hard after you have voiced your hurts and dislikes.

Hi,

I have just read your story & i am really sorry for all you are going through,...yet i am also angry.

Religion MUST NOT EVER have anything to do with whether or not anyone stays in a bad /abusive relationship!

I am a survivor of severe domestic-violence ( as well as other forms of abuse), the thing is your son will grow-up to think that your situation is normal & all this will do is cause him to continue the same cycle, become angry, withdrawn & generally unhappy!

He & you deserve better & if you are unhappy then your son will be likewise.

Please if you would ever l;ike to talk then feel free to contact me or if you are searching for a genuine longterm friendship then that is great too.

Take care & hope to hear from you soon.

Type your comment here...

I found this poem that describes what a lot of women find in a bad marriage ....it just shouldnt be this way



His touch was not a loving one,



Meant to soothe her fears.



An embrace was not a warm one,



A display for their peers.



The voice was not a kind one,



Full of scorn and jeers.



Her life was not an easy one,



Seen through eyes of tears.







With a promise to love and cherish



Throughout all her life,



Why does he treat her so,



The one he calls his wife.







Every night she prays to God,



To save her from this hell,



Of broken hearts and shattered dreams,



Her existence a hollow shell.



The face she shows to others,



Is just a shadowed veil.



The loving home she wants,



Has turned into her jail.







With a promise to love and cherish



Throughout all her life,



Why does he treat her so,



The one he calls his wife.

Iam right there with you but I bet I can trump your story. At least your husband is at work and perhaps he is somewhat exhausted afterwards. But try this on for size, my husband is on the internet all times of the day and night (even though Iam in the next room) He chooses to text message other women and when he is intimate with me,he really isn't(if you know what I mean) Iam a Christian too but Iam really tired of him and Iam seriously contemplating divorce. I know as a Christian we are to forgive but I don't think Iam supposed to be a doormat either.But get this,he is a Christian too. Funny,huh? As for your situation, perhaps marital counceling would work for you guys. I mean you did not say he was cheating:you are just tired with all that you have to do each day. So first try talking to him and tell him that you are tired and you need some more help. See what he says before you throw the baby out with the bath water. This is coming from one Christian to another.

The book of Ephesians specifies "if he is PLEASED to be married, then don't divorce." Being a lazy drunk is far from being PLEASED don't you think? Then after that statement it says, "Anyway, we are all called to peace." If you have no peace, then you have to go!

My husband drinks about 3 beers a day. He also likes pot. I have asked him to not smoke because sometimes his job requires a "whiz quiz". Also, if he were injured then he would not get workman's comp if he has unprescribed or illegal drugs in his system.

This makes me feel very insecure.

Furthermore, he doesn't intitiate sex either. He can tell me he loves me all day long, and yet, still ignore me in everyway possible.

I know he isn't having an affair, he's either at work or at home.

IF and WHEN we go out, he hangs at the dart board with his buddies ALL night, and it's as if I've gone out by myself. I even get hit on by other men because they think I'm alone. How sad is that?

Anyway, I'm working my way out. Ive been married only 3 years and it feels like a lifetime.

in tears, db

Please get divorced if your husband won't shape up. You need to do this for your child and for yourself. If your religion tells you that you should put the idea of staying married before providing a healthy environment for your child, then I think you need to rethink whether you should be associated with such an organization. I'm pretty sure than if you (and your church) look at it in that way, there's no way any Christian would encourage you not to get a divorce. Also, children know if their parents aren't happy even if there are not major obvious problems. I've always felt bad for my parents staying married. They have no passion for each other, and my mom quit college because she got married, abandoning her dream of becoming a vet. I think being in a unfulfilling marriage just took all the life and personality out of her. I HATE that that happened. I think about it a lot. So PLEASE don't stay married "for the children"!!!

Christianity has nothing to do with it.

With over 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, don't you think that some of them are also christians ?



He insists on drinking, even though it's ruined your marriage.

In a divorce, the wife usually gets at least half of everything, plus child support, plus alimony (sometimes).

I think you may be ready to make the jump.

Don't you (and your son) deserve better than this ?

I too have an alcoholic husband and we are a very young couple (he's 25 and I'm 27) we have two children and we have been married for 8 years. I have been dealing with this for a while and sometimes I feel I want out too. The only difference is my husband stays out for days and he did have a one night stand a couple of years ago and I forgave him. I am really trying to gather the courage to walk out because I know I don't deserve this and neither do my children. Stay strong and I am here if you need someone to talk to.

Hey hun. My response is rather lengthy and from the "recovering alcohoic husband" point of view. Rather than spen all the time rewritting it, read my "Fire and Ice" story, then scroll to my response to the first comment for my story on alcoholism. (If you're interested that is). Hope it helps anyone.



-Tears

I really feel for you, I myself feel like I so desperately want a divorce but I have a daughter who is 12 years old and she loves her daddy. I feel like if someone asked me right now how I feel about my marriage the only way I want to answer is by puking in the toilet. I have a husband also who drinks beer but he does it every single day monday thru friday and approx. a twelve pack every day. Its caused me to get depressed, become very angry, confused and stuck. He blames everything on me and I am starting to believe him. He wont have sex with me also, like its been close to a year and he does not have the need for it. I feel so distant from him hes not at all romantic but he is a hard worker and a fantastic father. So what do I do? I feel like I have wasted years of my life being married to him for 15years and no matter what I say or do he wont stop drinking. I have tried asking nicely, I tried being angry and yelling, I tried threatning that I will leave but nothing works. He ends up always being the nice one in our daughters eyes because hes so calm and I am the bad one. So most of the time I just shut up and go on with the same day to day routine just to keep peace and on the inside I feel so trapped confused and litteraly to the point that I feel like checking in to a mental institution. All I want from him is to pay some attention to me and feel connected with me.

Drinking sucks because my husband drank so much he would fall in the door and pass out 2 -5 minutes later. He got pulled over the cop asked if i wanted to pick him up he gave me the option..he said he was quite chatty and he would understand if I didn't want to pick him up , because he was talking quite nastily about me. I thought about it and picked him up since it would have only affected me.

Drinking is a disease. Get some AA books or go to alynon. Understand the disease.

There is a book "A womans worth." by Marianne Williamson author of "A return to love."

We are trying to work it out but I can't get passed the infidelities.

Your husband is controlling you by not doing anything at all. you should hire a handyman to help while he is sitting on the sofa drinking beer. Don't antagonize him just pay another man who can and get it done!

I know ya don't want to hear this {we let them do the things they do because we allow them} It's passive aggressive behavior/ and codependance. Ive read alot of books, some of it is actually starting to work.

Good luck! Getting divorced in this economy would really suck for both of you but ultimatley only affect your child. try to get him to change by changing yourself.

Yes, Thank you all so much for you help. Your encouraging words have helped me a lot.

If worried about getting a divorce because you're Christian, then why don't you trying talking to someone at your church. Most denominations offer some sort of counselling.



If your God is a loving God like I believe him to be, I don't think he would want you or your son to suffer with your husband's alcoholism. Check out a few alcohol abuse sites to be aware of the lasting damage alcoholism has on children and families.



Knowledge is power!