Ignorance Is Bliss! This Is Hell!

I have been married almost 20 years... to a woman that barely even knows me. Sometimes I pat myself on the back for having stuck with this for so long - I stretched a 2 year marriage into 20! Woohoo! Our kids are almost grown and I have not been unfaithful despite the emotional abuse and neglect. I am proud of that much at least.

Really, though, I don't think I've accomplished anything other than allowing her to deconstruct me piece by piece.

My wife suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you see. I did not know that in the beginning and I was too young (and happy to have someone) to see it... I have lived in denial for a long time now but due to some things she has said and done it is no longer possible to deny the truth. She does not love me and never has. The only thing that allowed us to work as a couple in the beginning was that we were both in love with her and I was used to suffering. It only took the slightest hint of consideration from her and I took it the rest of the way...

Well, discovering her emotional affair with a friend online a few years back changed all of that. I prepared to leave. I laid down the law... what I could and could not tolerate. Well, somehow we got passed that, but with the clear understanding that she have no more contact with him ever. Did that work?


Thanks to her (un)intentional carelessness I found out she'd messaged him on Facebook a week before my last birthday. Since that day I see her (and our marriage) for what it is: totally one-sided.

Still, my intention has been to wait to deal with this until we are in a better position financially (I don't want to bankrupt both of us by leaving) and until our youngest daughter is out of high school. I am beginning to seriously doubt I have the strength... The only way (and I mean ONLY way) I seem to be able to cope lately is to either avoid my wife altogether or to drink. I am not terribly happy with either coping mechanism...

Oh, there is one more thing! I met a woman who truly seems to care about me. She is not a homewrecker and absolutely no lines have been crossed but she makes me realize how truly sad my relationship with my wife is. Truth be told, my friend would miss me more than my wife if something happened to me! Of that I have no doubt!!

Why am I even sharing this? I recently realized I've developed very strong feelings for my friend... I have had lots of friends of the opposite sex over the years and, sure, the occasional passing crush here and there... but this is different. This woman is different!I I have never known anyone like her... and I am afraid I am losing whatever chance I'd have at having a loving relationship with every day that passes.

I am so scared!!

This is hell... and I feel like I am in this because I've tried to do the right thing by my wife and kids (did I mention my wife raised them to be just like her?) and be considerate of everyone but myself.

Well, if this goes on much longer there won't be anything left of me...
gr0mblE gr0mblE
5 Responses Jun 19, 2011

I know It's an old post but I am now exactly where you have been.

What is emotional affair?

I can understand your situation. Although I have a tinge of doubt on my wife faithfulness but I remain optimistic. Everything else you mentioned, matches my case too. We are only 2 years into marriage and about to have a baby, and I always gets chills thinking what if the child grows up to be like her mom (Angel(with strong selfish motive) to others but Devil for own family).
You should move on now (although its easier said than done. I can never, I feel death is my only chance to freedom). Life is too precious to stay unhappy. Make the rest of your days count. God Bless You.

Why are you still there? I can see wanting to do the right thing. It seems like all you are doing is what is right for everyone else buy you! If I were you I wouldn't give up on a chance to be happy with someone. It is something alot of people wait there whole lives for and never find! I myself am in a miserable marriage and have been for years. But, unlike you I wasn't strong. I have been having an affair with a married man for over 5 yrs. He is my world. My one true love but he is married and will not leave his small children for anything. My advice to you is to do something for "you". From the sounds of it your wife doesn't even love you. Don't let love pass you by. You may only get one chance and this may be it!!

Ok legally I would make copies of the letters (date and time) between your wife and the other male. I would then consult one who has a legal background on how to prove said data is real. I would then begin to set a-side money to begin a divorce. I would also make to to tell my current employer that I'll be missing a few days for court. I would then go about telling my spouse, and child what is what, and tel them of the divorce. I would then tell the New women the truth, and what is about to unfold. and go through with the legal standpoint. I would also make sure that before all of this I keep a record of malicious expand-ages, and the income of the house so that I'm not held under law to pay for child support, or to show that I am able to support the child, and should be the legal guardian.<br />
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Please make sure you do things properly, and truthfully, and make sure all parties know the truth. And make sure you go through the right legal sectors before going through with said actions, and make sure you have a person with a proper legal background help and suggest actions for you<br />
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I do hope the best for you.<br />
I'm in no way a law expert I just have personal experience in said matter