Ignorance Is Bliss! This Is Hell!I have been married almost 20 years... to a woman that barely even knows me. Sometimes I pat myself on the back for having stuck with this for so long - I stretched a 2 year marriage into 20! Woohoo! Our kids are almost grown and I have not been unfaithful despite the emotional abuse and neglect. I am proud of that much at least.
Really, though, I don't think I've accomplished anything other than allowing her to deconstruct me piece by piece.
My wife suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you see. I did not know that in the beginning and I was too young (and happy to have someone) to see it... I have lived in denial for a long time now but due to some things she has said and done it is no longer possible to deny the truth. She does not love me and never has. The only thing that allowed us to work as a couple in the beginning was that we were both in love with her and I was used to suffering. It only took the slightest hint of consideration from her and I took it the rest of the way...
Well, discovering her emotional affair with a friend online a few years back changed all of that. I prepared to leave. I laid down the law... what I could and could not tolerate. Well, somehow we got passed that, but with the clear understanding that she have no more contact with him ever. Did that work?
Thanks to her (un)intentional carelessness I found out she'd messaged him on Facebook a week before my last birthday. Since that day I see her (and our marriage) for what it is: totally one-sided.
Still, my intention has been to wait to deal with this until we are in a better position financially (I don't want to bankrupt both of us by leaving) and until our youngest daughter is out of high school. I am beginning to seriously doubt I have the strength... The only way (and I mean ONLY way) I seem to be able to cope lately is to either avoid my wife altogether or to drink. I am not terribly happy with either coping mechanism...
Oh, there is one more thing! I met a woman who truly seems to care about me. She is not a homewrecker and absolutely no lines have been crossed but she makes me realize how truly sad my relationship with my wife is. Truth be told, my friend would miss me more than my wife if something happened to me! Of that I have no doubt!!
Why am I even sharing this? I recently realized I've developed very strong feelings for my friend... I have had lots of friends of the opposite sex over the years and, sure, the occasional passing crush here and there... but this is different. This woman is different!I I have never known anyone like her... and I am afraid I am losing whatever chance I'd have at having a loving relationship with every day that passes.
I am so scared!!
This is hell... and I feel like I am in this because I've tried to do the right thing by my wife and kids (did I mention my wife raised them to be just like her?) and be considerate of everyone but myself.
Well, if this goes on much longer there won't be anything left of me...
gr0mblE 41-45 4 Responses 2 Jun 19, 2011