Bad Bad Bad

I stayed with my wife for the kids and they are now grown up, moved out and married. It was the best thing I have done. They are both happy. Your doing the right thing,

never stay together for your kids, they are not stupid, better to have to separate happy parents, than two unhappy parents together. It sounds like you need to move on, I don't think by what you say that you are keen to be with him anymore. Move on and hopefully find some one you can be happy with.

I followed a similar path. My son is one of the few, and the only one of his close friends who grew up with both his parents. To me it was worth it

LadyR.... I don't think I have seen this story before today. I am sorry that this is such a tough situation for you. I agree with Damsel: I absolutely commend you for putting your children first and making an effort to be civil to one another.

I hope you find your answer. I know it's not going to be an easy road. Hugs....

I hope you can find domestic happiness at some point in your life. But one positive thing - at least you both agree that the children are the main priority. Some couples don't even have that

Is it still this way?

That is very sad. I hope you find some way to work this all out and find happiness

When I read this my mind tells me its time. But in my situation I think maybe I stay because she feeds me just enough hope to keep me around. So sad we get used to serve their needs. " I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either"

Aww that is so depressing to read that a lovely person such as your self is just being used,here you have gave him some kids and he would rather sleep in the room miles away from you.

LR, I was married to the same woman for 35 years, our marriage just ran out of gas, there was no fighting or cheating, we just grew apart. We were still friends but just room mates.

I took a job in Arizona and never went back, our kids were grown and on their own so there no issues there. I see my X, kids and grand kids several times a year, we seem to get along better now than when we were married.

I enjoy being single and living alone.

Unfortunately, marriage is not a normal thing to do. Is it normal that so many people are unhappy? Marriage in this world is created as a business. What I'm saying is it's all about what the other person has, not who they really are. Being single has far less pain than what unhappy marriages produce...don't get married again.

if i didn't know better, i would think this is my story! my marriage sounds just how you described it..the only difference is we don't have to worry about kids having issues with the marriage.. another thing is i would feel guilty for leaving because i really believe he would commit suicide...but yet i am pretty miserable

Yes....majority of wedded lives

turn banal with - IRRECONCILABLE

INCOMPATIBILITIES....dear.... and

the cycle goes on...and on and on......endlessly....

and sadly too............

:-((((((((((((((

WOW!You two are not doing your kids a favor. I would 1 get help or two call it what it is...... Over, Life is to short to be misserable . Why live this way. So are you waiting on him to say it's over or is he waitng on you ? Kids are smarter than you think and they diserve better than what you think your giving them. Love yourself,your kids, and your husband enough to make a choice..... For the better whatever your choice is.

It has almost all been said. Just I can understand your life. You will know the right time to exit. Understanding your situation doesn't mean that I know all about you. It just means we have one common life event.

I've been married for 43 years to the same woman. We recently started seeing a therapist to help us enhance or communication with each other in anticipation of spending more time together when we retire. I suggest you two do the same. It is striking that after so many years, I've just now learned how to hear what she says, and tell her what I mean; we are discovering each other all over again.

Staying together for the kids is wrong, and, in spite of your communication with them, is not helping them learn to properly interact with people. It is teaching them that their needs should be sublimated for other people - that they are not important enough to have their own needs met. (As your needs arer not as important as thew kids, so what you wwant gets put aside.) I'm sure this isn't what you want to teach them. Respect for someone can be as simple as being honest about what you feel and what you want and what you are not getting from him, as well as being strong enough to ask what you are not providing to him, what he wants, etc. And happy parents are always a better role model for kids than unhappy ones.

The best place for these types of discussions is in a couples therapist's office in order for them to guide you two in the process. If you love each other, you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your kids to work as hard at making your relationship work as you did romancing each other before you got married.

Good Luck

Your kids should not see two people not in love pretending there is a relationship. That teaches them that relationships are lies you endure out of duty. They need to see one or both of you make a major change for your own sanity and happiness.

I've read all the responses and they sure sound sincere and, I hope, helpful. I'm sad for you but you've reminded me how grateful those of us with good marriages should be. Sometimes we take that for granted. Next month is our 25th...the best 25 years of my life.

A book that I've found _extremely_ helpful in improving my relationship is "Difficult Conversations" ... it's ostensibly a business book about how to handle tough situations at work, but the principles are universal in that the roots of conflict spring from the same causes/miscommunications no matter what the context.



Check out Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/014028852X?ie=UTF8&tag=wwwsavagelull-20&linkCode=shr&camp=213741&creative=393237&creativeASIN=014028852X />


(not sure if EP is going to allow the link, but it comes up easily on Google)

Im sorry for your feelings, But I personally have to share that My marriage is awesome we dated two years in high school and will soon be married for 41 years I woudn't trade it for anything. Wev'e never had it real bad but we've gone thru a lot of changing.Actually the best part began back in 2003 Life was bareing down on me hard didnt even know why I exisited so I soon gave up and surrendered my life one weekend to our God the creator and my families life has taken off like a rocket. We love each other now more than ever God has given us a new life I wish I could just reach out and hand it to everyone my family is awesome I love Jesus with all my heart he is the way, he heals the broken He can restore you and your marriage if you let Him.

Here's my $0.02 on the subject. I was in the same boat as you. The children do feel the bad vibe, my son certainly did. When we split up, it was hard on him for sure, but now he has 2 parents that are in happy relationships, and he couldn't be happier. I met a fantastic woman, and she is everything I've ever wanted and more. And my ex met a man that is making her happy as well. We share custody 50/50. I thought it would be hard on me at first, and it was, but it doesn't last long, you do get into the rhythm fairly quickly.



Moral of my story, don't deny yourself happiness, go and find it and let the chips fall where they may. No matter how you might believe that you are giving the kids a stable environment, you really aren't. Kids need to be happy, and they need to have 2 happy people to share that with. My son now has 4 happy people to share that with, so from his standpoint, he's always in a happy environment. The added side bonus is that every second week, we have alone time. While that's not the ideal situation, it is nice to have that one on one time with the one you love. And She also has a son that is with us every second week, so we made sure that both boys are with us at the same time. It's great, I'm very happy with the way things are, and no longer poisoning myself in a bad relationship for the sake of my son.



Go out there, find someone that lights your fire again, someone that makes you feel younger again, it IS out there. Seize the day! Stop parking your happiness for the day when you'll be able to spring free and live, do it now. You will be SHOCKED how the kids will spring back from this, they are more understanding than we give them credit for. Honest to god, it's not that bad, you'll see.



Peace, and I hope you get your life back, and find that certain someone who will make you feel alive and wanted again.



Don.

Hi there,

You are definitely not alone. I feel for your situation because it sounds like you have younger ones still at home.

Ours is almost out of home, not sure what will happen then. It's sure a terrible place to be, isn't it ?

I never thought I would say that I am sick of being married

this is such a sad story. I've been there. If you've exhausted corrective measures, i know you know whats going to happen. Life is too short to live without a loving partner in my humble opinion. Im now with a woman who loves me for me. I can say I miss my daughter terribly, thats putting it mildly. That to me is the most difficult part of all. I hope your way.

I know you pain. I am living in a marriage that is a marriage by definition only. It's more of a room mate situation. We do sleep in the same bed but only for the facade of a marriage. There has been no intimacy in over 3 years. I started working longer and longer hours to avoid being in the house when anyone was awake. She has already told me that when my youngest goes to college we will go our separate ways. But as luck has it my youngest decided to go to a local college. Now I don't know where I stand. This is no way to live. I cherish any time I can have at home alone. I love when she goes out of state to visit her mother. Oh how I wish she would just decide to move closer to her mother. But why would she she has the best of both worlds.

Too many bad relationships out there in the world, just plain *** too many

Hi ladyryan,

I feel like I'm living part of your story except I can take care of myself. ;)

My wife and I are together for the kids, we sleep in different rooms and communication is confined to financial issues or the kids. Oh, and the yelling and name calling, I don't want to forget that.

I like EP, just knowing you're not alone and talking to new people who understand is nice.

Something else I've noticed is there are quite a few people, like yourself, who want a real loving relationship but are stuck in a bad relationship with someone who doesn't want it. How did this happen to us?

Well, anyway, I wanted to say hello and I hope you find happiness in your life even if it's in bits and pieces. You deserve to be happy.

Wow, heartbreaking and honest.

My heart goes out to you.

I am not nor have ever been married so I hesitated to comment but I do have some experience speaking from a childs point of view.



Throughout my entire childhood I saw my mother live with a man she loved at first but found out in the process of time lacked the qualities of a good husband, let alone a good person. Living with a person she had less in common with, someone who did not share the same passions. This was a great hinderance to her happiness and growth as a person. I saw all this growing up, even told her to leave him at about 5 years of age, I know smart kid. Ha ha...



Anyway she finally left him after just over two decades of marriage (what is up with that number and divorce?) and I was extremely happy for her. Its been about 2-3 years now, she's finally managed to do her degree, now wants to do a masters (crazy womans more learned than me), is mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually healthier than ever and even financially more stable. She is the master of her own destiny. Yes I know it would be nice to have a partner but sometimes a partner is more of a ball and chain than a helper.



I used to struggle to understand why my brothers did not support my mothers decision as strongly as I did. It seemed as though I was the only one that was extremely vexed at how he treated my mother. I learned something from this. Firstly, mothers and fathers have favourites, people dont like to say it but I think its true, sometimes its a very slight favour but its favour nonetheless. Children love their parents differently. It appears as though I love my mother more than my brothers do. I could give several reasons why I believe this to be true but I wont get into that now. Why am I mentioning this? I learnt that SOME CHILDREN ARE SELFISH. Yes, SELFISH. Choosing that their mother should stay in an unhappy marriage for their own SELFISH desires. My brother has displayed his selfish behaviour on numerous occasions. When my mother wanted to leave my dad the first thing he thought is what impact that would have on him. So what am I driving at? I think it is suicide to listen to your children for marital advice. I even chuckled at the thought. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you. The kids may not see the benefit of it now but they will probably understand later. If they dont then boy, they've got their own lives to live and their own mistakes to make.



My point is you cannot always continue to live for other people, not even your children at times. Read what Angie29 said about her oldest daughter. Her daughter begged her to stay, but as soon as she was sorted she left and did not look back, maybe she feared she would turn into a pillar of salt or something. Either way there is no logical explanation for this other than the obvious, she simply does not care. She only cared when there was something to gain. Its sad but thats just the way it is.



I think I have said enough. I hope you find a solution to your situation. I wish you all the best.



Love



Scorp

Seems like you treat him more like his mother than his wife. Try being his wife then maybe he'll start treating you like one. If you have your own source of money and don't need his why do you fight about money? Trust me this man can live without you...but you need each other

Let's look at this from a man's veiwpoint shall we? Obviously neither side wants this to be fixed and that's the real problem. Others in here have asked you to take the initaitive to do that but you won't. That's the typical answer you will get out of a woman; just deal with a broken relationship and make the man do everything. Women don't have to in our society, all women have to do is play the divorce card, opt out and their problems end. They don't have to work, just lounge around waiting for the next check to come in the mail. Why don't you try to be a wife for a change, that will probably shock the hell out of your husband. Naaaa, I guess it's better being miserable...