Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Bad Bad Bad

We live under one roof and sleep separately. . . I mean different rooms. We never talk except about the kids. I eat with my kids. When he wants to eat I offer a plate and serve him. I wait, while doing something, till he finishes his meal. I can't have a productive conversation. It's either his topic would manipulate the subject to which I'm not interested with. Same with him. But when he needs advice, I give him one politely. I hardly ask from him, I can't be satisfied anyway. He's not good at focusing at a certain issue with a prospect of improving. It's always backed with criticisms and pessimisms. We have nothing in common, as far as I'm concerned. Whenever we talk about the kids, arguments lurks in. I feel sorry for him. I can't be the person for him. Why? I'm not sure. But then, one thig is sure he needs me as a partner in life. Even it means denying ourselves to each other. That what counts is that our kids can see two souls not in love but struggling for their sake. Bad as it may seem to ourselves we have the mutual agreement to make the home as what a responsible adults and parents should act.
ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 28, 2011

Your Response


I have been in a bad bad marriage for ... what feels like forever. When our children were young, we thought they needed us to stay together... and had no idea how to seperate anyway... felt secure together...but miserable....fought a lot... Kids saw and heard... and now that they are grown and married, they say they they wish we divorced when they were young. Also, now that I am 60, I wish I did too. It's too late for me to live without him financially... and I live in a most miserable private hell.

i am sorry for your bad marriage :( i wish you were happy as you deserve.

As I think I've said to you before, you are an extraordinary lady. You should have a great life.

I'm working on that now, working on towards a happy/great life. ((smiles)) Thanks Stoner.

Awww I'm sorry that you are going through that Ladyryan. I too am in almost the exact same situation. We're not enemies..we don't even really fight that often, but we don't relate on any level either. We co-habitate in the same house, he has one level, I have the other. The only time we see each other is doing laundry or meal times. That's about it. Our kids are now grown (although we have one still living at home). It's not a fulfilling life, really..but for us, it has to remain so for a while. I hope things get better for you.

Thank you Miss.^^

To date we avoid having arguments, or fights. We are just focused with our kids (education). Though we have things to talk about the kids, primarily, we both try not to bring out marriage problems.(sorry got me so long to find your comment Miss)

My situation is similar... but he can't let me live in peace. We have separate bedrooms... but he slams doors, calls me names, ... Sometimes, I feel like he batters me verbally... he does. Some friends know ... but don't really know/ can't understand. It sucks. I wish I could retire, but don't want to be home with him either... I just keep playing mind games telling myself things will get better. If it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't want to live.

This is so sad. It sounds too much like my marriage. I hope you can find a way to be happy. Your kids will appreciate that are doing it for them, but perhaps they would rather that you be happy.

Thank you Zaaphod. I appreciate your kind words.^^

Kinda of Asian type marriage.I've heard this kind of marriage happened a lot.

I see. Thanks Slund.^^

Hope things will turn better for you.

My kids, like any other, are smart and can tell something is not right between us.

I've had some basic discussions with them about it and explained that it's true dad and mom don't get along too well, but we both love them and think it's best that we stay together for their convenience and to avoid too much "turbulence" in their lives.

I have explained to them, in no uncertain terms, that every relationship is different and just because mom and I don't get along, doesn't mean they won't enjoy the most wonderful, loving and warm relationships in their lives.

My kids and I have fantastic relationships. We have fun, share secrets, go on trips - their childhood is really not too bad compared to many of their friends whose parents are divorced. Some of the kids have "double lockers" at school - they have a bag for "dad days" and a bag for "mom days". Kind of sad, if you ask me.

Maybe in all of this, I am hoping to teach my children that as an adult, I have realized there are things bigger and more important than me. That would be them.

My children apparently knows there's wrong with their parents' relationship as couple. But before they can think of something they can't take or understand, I feed them details on how they should be with their attitudes with communications and rules around the house and to follow what was told them. And every good thing will follow to them. Although it doesn't go perfectly well, I talk to them a lot and pour out my thoughts. Their father is not a perfect man but is the man and the provider of the house, and I am the mother whom they can't do without.^^ It's nice to find like-minded post just like today. You're story is an inspiration. Thank you for sharing them to me on here. You children are blessed to have you as their father.

Thanks. Have a great day.

I stayed with my wife for the kids and they are now grown up, moved out and married. It was the best thing I have done. They are both happy. Your doing the right thing,

I have few friends on here with same points of view. And feel that I am on the right tract. Thanks for the inspriation. Really appreciated.

Sorry it took me long to find this.

LadyR.... I don't think I have seen this story before today. I am sorry that this is such a tough situation for you. I agree with Damsel: I absolutely commend you for putting your children first and making an effort to be civil to one another.

I hope you find your answer. I know it's not going to be an easy road. Hugs....

So sweet of you Ruby. I'm confident that I'm on the right track with some, with as far as my kids are my motivation. They help me grow to be an adult.

I hope you can find domestic happiness at some point in your life. But one positive thing - at least you both agree that the children are the main priority. Some couples don't even have that

Oh shucks!! Thanks Damsel^^. You're right! To date, we just talk about the kids daily need, who's going and doing much with spare times, or who's going to pick who after school and so on and so forth. We neither talk about money. I have my own bank account. And he gladly offer to change my car tire. lucky me!

When I read this my mind tells me its time. But in my situation I think maybe I stay because she feeds me just enough hope to keep me around. So sad we get used to serve their needs. " I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either"

OMM what you've written is so true. We can also learn and benifit from compromising. I am certain that my husband and I reached a certain point that words are no longer needed, arguments or fight, strong emotions neither works to convey what's inside. After all the years, we've learnt to just accept the fact about our marriage. And intend to keep it that way. Maintain peace in front of the many. I try. I have to, for my kids.

Man, we are living the same life! I do everything she asks, i made the changes she wanted and she continues to sleep in the guest room. I think she has issues with her now deceased biological Father from whom she was estranged and is projecting on to me.

Aww that is so depressing to read that a lovely person such as your self is just being used,here you have gave him some kids and he would rather sleep in the room miles away from you.

Thanks Keith. But I'm getting used to it, looking forward to a more productive day than focusing on things I'm not comfortable with. I value my time with my kids, more than anything. And it is what makes me going.^^

Well hats of to you for being a bigger person than he is.

LR, I was married to the same woman for 35 years, our marriage just ran out of gas, there was no fighting or cheating, we just grew apart. We were still friends but just room mates.

I took a job in Arizona and never went back, our kids were grown and on their own so there no issues there. I see my X, kids and grand kids several times a year, we seem to get along better now than when we were married.

I enjoy being single and living alone.

Good for you Jack. I'm not sure what the future would bring me, but looking forward for a happy one.

I wish all the best for you, yes, be happy.

Unfortunately, marriage is not a normal thing to do. Is it normal that so many people are unhappy? Marriage in this world is created as a business. What I'm saying is it's all about what the other person has, not who they really are. Being single has far less pain than what unhappy marriages produce...don't get married again.

Agreed. Never to marry again. LOL! Nah, seriously I'm with you, "marriage" is not always the answer for happiness. =))

Thanks for the response. I understand why people marry, but It seems that marriage is causing so much destruction in people's lives. I don't know what the answer is, but being single is great. I've been married, so.....been there, done that.

Likewise thanks for the comment. :))

if i didn't know better, i would think this is my story! my marriage sounds just how you described it..the only difference is we don't have to worry about kids having issues with the marriage.. another thing is i would feel guilty for leaving because i really believe he would commit suicide...but yet i am pretty miserable

I feel sorry that it's happening to you. I can relate. I just left him twice, and his life was like a useless one. And felt guilty for my kids. Thanks Flipnout for reading and writting in, sharing them to me.

youre welcome..stay strong

Yes....majority of wedded lives <br />
turn banal with - IRRECONCILABLE<br />
INCOMPATIBILITIES....dear.... and<br />
the cycle goes on...and on and on......endlessly....<br />
and sadly too............<br />

Right! Though I no longer have the clue nor care for the reason for my case was. hehe

WOW!You two are not doing your kids a favor. I would 1 get help or two call it what it is...... Over, Life is to short to be misserable . Why live this way. So are you waiting on him to say it's over or is he waitng on you ? Kids are smarter than you think and they diserve better than what you think your giving them. Love yourself,your kids, and your husband enough to make a choice..... For the better whatever your choice is.

Thanks Med. I also hope for the better for everyone inspite of my choice is, or would be. I just can't further to saying things yet, since it is still far the future. But I believe everyone deserves to be happy.^^

It has almost all been said. Just I can understand your life. You will know the right time to exit. Understanding your situation doesn't mean that I know all about you. It just means we have one common life event.

You're right, I know the right time to exit.=)) Thanks again RG.

I've read all the responses and they sure sound sincere and, I hope, helpful. I'm sad for you but you've reminded me how grateful those of us with good marriages should be. Sometimes we take that for granted. Next month is our 25th...the best 25 years of my life.

Wow! I wonder how good marriage is. I wonder how it is to be sitting beside someone, growing old together, laughing and eating good foods. Anways. . . Thanks for sharing your thoughts. And Happy 25th Anniversary.

Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am and thanks too for the good wishes for our anniversary.

A book that I've found _extremely_ helpful in improving my relationship is "Difficult Conversations" ... it's ostensibly a business book about how to handle tough situations at work, but the principles are universal in that the roots of conflict spring from the same causes/miscommunications no matter what the context.<br />
<br />
Check out Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone<br />
<br />
(not sure if EP is going to allow the link, but it comes up easily on Google)

Thanks Sumnerkagan.^^

Here's my $0.02 on the subject. I was in the same boat as you. The children do feel the bad vibe, my son certainly did. When we split up, it was hard on him for sure, but now he has 2 parents that are in happy relationships, and he couldn't be happier. I met a fantastic woman, and she is everything I've ever wanted and more. And my ex met a man that is making her happy as well. We share custody 50/50. I thought it would be hard on me at first, and it was, but it doesn't last long, you do get into the rhythm fairly quickly. <br />
<br />
Moral of my story, don't deny yourself happiness, go and find it and let the chips fall where they may. No matter how you might believe that you are giving the kids a stable environment, you really aren't. Kids need to be happy, and they need to have 2 happy people to share that with. My son now has 4 happy people to share that with, so from his standpoint, he's always in a happy environment. The added side bonus is that every second week, we have alone time. While that's not the ideal situation, it is nice to have that one on one time with the one you love. And She also has a son that is with us every second week, so we made sure that both boys are with us at the same time. It's great, I'm very happy with the way things are, and no longer poisoning myself in a bad relationship for the sake of my son. <br />
<br />
Go out there, find someone that lights your fire again, someone that makes you feel younger again, it IS out there. Seize the day! Stop parking your happiness for the day when you'll be able to spring free and live, do it now. You will be SHOCKED how the kids will spring back from this, they are more understanding than we give them credit for. Honest to god, it's not that bad, you'll see.<br />
<br />
Peace, and I hope you get your life back, and find that certain someone who will make you feel alive and wanted again.<br />
<br />

$0.02 ? What's that? JK^-^ Thanks Don. I have been rewarded of quite good supports and words to ponder ever since I posted this story. Just like you with the rest here with their good comments, I'm taking it all to the positive side. And your story is indeed an enlightment. One day maybe I could share something about the good good side of my/this story. Thanks for sharing yours.^^

Oh there's so much more out there, if you need to talk to someone that's been through it (In the last 3 years) then by all means, message away.

Hi there,<br />
You are definitely not alone. I feel for your situation because it sounds like you have younger ones still at home. <br />
Ours is almost out of home, not sure what will happen then. It's sure a terrible place to be, isn't it ? <br />
I never thought I would say that I am sick of being married

Thank you for reading. I live with my kids and after they can be seen responsible for themselves, then I can proceed for my own happiness.

this is such a sad story. I've been there. If you've exhausted corrective measures, i know you know whats going to happen. Life is too short to live without a loving partner in my humble opinion. Im now with a woman who loves me for me. I can say I miss my daughter terribly, thats putting it mildly. That to me is the most difficult part of all. I hope your way.

Thank you for sharing you story. A wonderful and you look younger.

I know you pain. I am living in a marriage that is a marriage by definition only. It's more of a room mate situation. We do sleep in the same bed but only for the facade of a marriage. There has been no intimacy in over 3 years. I started working longer and longer hours to avoid being in the house when anyone was awake. She has already told me that when my youngest goes to college we will go our separate ways. But as luck has it my youngest decided to go to a local college. Now I don't know where I stand. This is no way to live. I cherish any time I can have at home alone. I love when she goes out of state to visit her mother. Oh how I wish she would just decide to move closer to her mother. But why would she she has the best of both worlds.

Thank you fro sharing your experience JL. I appreciate it.

Too many bad relationships out there in the world, just plain *** too many

Yay! you said it.

Hi ladyryan,<br />
I feel like I'm living part of your story except I can take care of myself. ;)<br />
My wife and I are together for the kids, we sleep in different rooms and communication is confined to financial issues or the kids. Oh, and the yelling and name calling, I don't want to forget that. <br />
I like EP, just knowing you're not alone and talking to new people who understand is nice. <br />
Something else I've noticed is there are quite a few people, like yourself, who want a real loving relationship but are stuck in a bad relationship with someone who doesn't want it. How did this happen to us? <br />
Well, anyway, I wanted to say hello and I hope you find happiness in your life even if it's in bits and pieces. You deserve to be happy.

Thank you for reading my story Trying617. And thank you also for the warm words sent.

Wow, heartbreaking and honest.<br />
My heart goes out to you.

Thank you Sacron.

I am not nor have ever been married so I hesitated to comment but I do have some experience speaking from a childs point of view. <br />
<br />
Throughout my entire childhood I saw my mother live with a man she loved at first but found out in the process of time lacked the qualities of a good husband, let alone a good person. Living with a person she had less in common with, someone who did not share the same passions. This was a great hinderance to her happiness and growth as a person. I saw all this growing up, even told her to leave him at about 5 years of age, I know smart kid. Ha ha... <br />
<br />
Anyway she finally left him after just over two decades of marriage (what is up with that number and divorce?) and I was extremely happy for her. Its been about 2-3 years now, she's finally managed to do her degree, now wants to do a masters (crazy womans more learned than me), is mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually healthier than ever and even financially more stable. She is the master of her own destiny. Yes I know it would be nice to have a partner but sometimes a partner is more of a ball and chain than a helper.<br />
<br />
I used to struggle to understand why my brothers did not support my mothers decision as strongly as I did. It seemed as though I was the only one that was extremely vexed at how he treated my mother. I learned something from this. Firstly, mothers and fathers have favourites, people dont like to say it but I think its true, sometimes its a very slight favour but its favour nonetheless. Children love their parents differently. It appears as though I love my mother more than my brothers do. I could give several reasons why I believe this to be true but I wont get into that now. Why am I mentioning this? I learnt that SOME CHILDREN ARE SELFISH. Yes, SELFISH. Choosing that their mother should stay in an unhappy marriage for their own SELFISH desires. My brother has displayed his selfish behaviour on numerous occasions. When my mother wanted to leave my dad the first thing he thought is what impact that would have on him. So what am I driving at? I think it is suicide to listen to your children for marital advice. I even chuckled at the thought. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you. The kids may not see the benefit of it now but they will probably understand later. If they dont then boy, they've got their own lives to live and their own mistakes to make. <br />
<br />
My point is you cannot always continue to live for other people, not even your children at times. Read what Angie29 said about her oldest daughter. Her daughter begged her to stay, but as soon as she was sorted she left and did not look back, maybe she feared she would turn into a pillar of salt or something. Either way there is no logical explanation for this other than the obvious, she simply does not care. She only cared when there was something to gain. Its sad but thats just the way it is.<br />
<br />
I think I have said enough. I hope you find a solution to your situation. I wish you all the best.<br />
<br />
Love<br />
<br />

Thank you Scorp. I am impressed how you can see your mother's sacrifices, her loyalty to her children. Seem you have in great command with your dealings in life, you express them.
so rich.

My mother and I are very close. We are like friends now and we often learn from each other, she even told me so to my surprise. I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for her. Sometimes your children can really give you strength to go through life, maybe you need to speak to your children as opposed to assuming that they will not understand. They just might surprise you. In any case, you'll never know unless you try.

wow scorpio i wish my son had the same insight towards his mother, that you do ... you have a lot of insght for ur age ... it will help you through out life reading ur point of views

Hey gypsyblu. Thank you for the compliment. I am sorry that your son does not/ cannot see your plight in your situation. It is a terrible realisation to have to come to, learning that the child that you so dearly love cannot relate to you or your struggles. It hurts when the people closest to us do not understand us. I can certainly relate to that.

1 More Response

Seems like you treat him more like his mother than his wife. Try being his wife then maybe he'll start treating you like one. If you have your own source of money and don't need his why do you fight about money? Trust me this man can live without you...but you need each other

I don't need his money, but I think it's only fair to ask him, to be honest and know everything what's going on. Thank you for your comments. I'm not sure about your situation but I think it's a lot different in some aspect. I guess I've answered your queeries the best I can. Now if you'd excuse me, I've got PMs to read/ans. If you feel like talking or asking for more. My PM is set accessible to not-friends yet.

Let's look at this from a man's veiwpoint shall we? Obviously neither side wants this to be fixed and that's the real problem. Others in here have asked you to take the initaitive to do that but you won't. That's the typical answer you will get out of a woman; just deal with a broken relationship and make the man do everything. Women don't have to in our society, all women have to do is play the divorce card, opt out and their problems end. They don't have to work, just lounge around waiting for the next check to come in the mail. Why don't you try to be a wife for a change, that will probably shock the hell out of your husband. Naaaa, I guess it's better being miserable...

JB02157. . . first I want to thank you for reading and writing in your comment. And second, I left him twice. He asked me to go back, twice. I tried to be a wife for him, gave him two children. I left him, the third time (brought my with the kids with me). The kids can't take it. And so is the father. Actually I can no longer take the cries of the children whenever they're being reminded that their father is alone doing everything for himself. So we went back. Lived together. I did everything, but turns out his been even more abusive (verbally) than ever. I never recieve money from him. He let me see the paycheck but never have the money. Haven't seen that check for the last last 19 years of our marriage. I'm not miserable, because he can't live with out me. He is the one who'd be miserable. He can't cook, he can't manage a weeks budget. His room is a mess without me cleaning it up for him. He can't even decide for the smallest thing for himself. He's life can be totally useless without me. He's got the money, but he can't think of a decent meal for himself. We have separate accounts. I never bother or question his expenditures with friends. I'm the best wife he can ever live with. I hate dragging financial issues, so I thought of separating my personal needs, from meds to the smallest thing.I ahve my own source. And that is why I kept my head up, because I know I can be alone and have a happy life, but I know he needs me as a wife and a mother to his children, that I have chosen to staywith him. I really hate fighting about money, I feel worst. Since he never showed it to me since day one, I never tried asking.