I Am In a Bad Marriage
I just got married in June, and every month that passes by I've realized how wrong it was. It's hard for me to express whats going on loudly or even whisper it. I'm afraid of being humiliated in front of my family and friends. I feel so guilty to have made my whole family plus extended from all over just to see me get married (waste of so much money. I hate thinking about it) I have not even ordered our wedding pictures because I do not want to waste anymore money. Anyhow, I always thought marriage would be a union built on some kind of magical unshakable strong loving foundation... We'd see the world together, and work out problems by finding solutions together like my parents always have - Not even close. And, its my fault for
marrying a man KNOWING he had a ton of hardships. I wanted to be the "good" moral person by accepting him for who he was. Its's so bullshit. I shot my own foot.
So who ever reads this, your probably thinking its only been a few months it will get better. Don't worry, etc...No, man. It won't. My husband is a sweet guy, and hes great. I love him to bits. I truly do, and would be happy if things were different. As of right now, staying in this relationship is making me hateful, jealous, and thoughts are running wild. I'm starting to not believe in us anymore and I despise his sister/brother in law. I've never said it out loud to respect him but it shows. I will not participate or show up to any of their functions by making myself unavailable even on a Sunday. My husband always takes the initiative to explain the reason for me not showing i.e she's really sick blah blah blah, even though I'm actually working on a design project because he does not want to hurt his sister's feelings, or upset her...Whatever. My silence is golden and I hate you and your husband for cheating us out our happiness and robbing your brother out of his prime years to enjoy life.
My advise is never marry a person who has dedicated themselves to putting their family (mother/father/siblings) before themselves. In the beginning of any relationship its inspiring to see someone so unselfish and extremely helpful your taken by it but please do not be like me and be confused by it because there's no balance. In order to master "selflessness" a person needs to be balanced and aware at all times...Sometimes being completely selfless you forget your actually 100% selfish to other people who love you. My husband works himself to death to pay for his older sister (late 30's , married, with child) and elderly father rent/bills, that there is nothing for us. I'm exhausted for the both us. I've voiced how this was not fair and he'd never hear me because I was put behind. The chance to have "our" own family will never happen. I understand about his elderly father. I want to be apart of this, and want to his father to live with us. We could move out, get a bigger place to accommodate all three of us and the stress would not be so bad on either of us. Nope, dude has deaf ears...I'm going through this marriage alone. He works 7 days a week (2-3 jobs), long hours. My husband has two modes: Zombie mode or super stressed/can't sleep over bills...
I get it though. I get family should help. My family exercises this and my big brother examples paying for my parents all the time. Actually, he gifts my parents in hopes they'll relax and be able to enjoy life. The difference between my husband and older brother is big bro can "afford" it. He's blessed with success, and good fortune now as well as eons more to come. My husband on the other hand is struggling to keep up. I'm paying for the both us in terms of our lives together and now I'm struggling trying to do that...
I remember I was so excited about moving in together. I use to dream so much about living our lives together, going on our honey moon, and so much stuff...I'm tearing as i'm actually typing this because I just remembered the excited feeling I use to get when I would dream about our future and remember really believing in us too...It never happened...Nothing ever happened. I forgot how excited/lucky I use to feel just thinking I get to see him everyday in our new shared life. That excitement of sharing my life with the person I love was drained from me.
marrying a man KNOWING he had a ton of hardships. I wanted to be the "good" moral person by accepting him for who he was. Its's so bullshit. I shot my own foot.
So who ever reads this, your probably thinking its only been a few months it will get better. Don't worry, etc...No, man. It won't. My husband is a sweet guy, and hes great. I love him to bits. I truly do, and would be happy if things were different. As of right now, staying in this relationship is making me hateful, jealous, and thoughts are running wild. I'm starting to not believe in us anymore and I despise his sister/brother in law. I've never said it out loud to respect him but it shows. I will not participate or show up to any of their functions by making myself unavailable even on a Sunday. My husband always takes the initiative to explain the reason for me not showing i.e she's really sick blah blah blah, even though I'm actually working on a design project because he does not want to hurt his sister's feelings, or upset her...Whatever. My silence is golden and I hate you and your husband for cheating us out our happiness and robbing your brother out of his prime years to enjoy life.
My advise is never marry a person who has dedicated themselves to putting their family (mother/father/siblings) before themselves. In the beginning of any relationship its inspiring to see someone so unselfish and extremely helpful your taken by it but please do not be like me and be confused by it because there's no balance. In order to master "selflessness" a person needs to be balanced and aware at all times...Sometimes being completely selfless you forget your actually 100% selfish to other people who love you. My husband works himself to death to pay for his older sister (late 30's , married, with child) and elderly father rent/bills, that there is nothing for us. I'm exhausted for the both us. I've voiced how this was not fair and he'd never hear me because I was put behind. The chance to have "our" own family will never happen. I understand about his elderly father. I want to be apart of this, and want to his father to live with us. We could move out, get a bigger place to accommodate all three of us and the stress would not be so bad on either of us. Nope, dude has deaf ears...I'm going through this marriage alone. He works 7 days a week (2-3 jobs), long hours. My husband has two modes: Zombie mode or super stressed/can't sleep over bills...
I get it though. I get family should help. My family exercises this and my big brother examples paying for my parents all the time. Actually, he gifts my parents in hopes they'll relax and be able to enjoy life. The difference between my husband and older brother is big bro can "afford" it. He's blessed with success, and good fortune now as well as eons more to come. My husband on the other hand is struggling to keep up. I'm paying for the both us in terms of our lives together and now I'm struggling trying to do that...
I remember I was so excited about moving in together. I use to dream so much about living our lives together, going on our honey moon, and so much stuff...I'm tearing as i'm actually typing this because I just remembered the excited feeling I use to get when I would dream about our future and remember really believing in us too...It never happened...Nothing ever happened. I forgot how excited/lucky I use to feel just thinking I get to see him everyday in our new shared life. That excitement of sharing my life with the person I love was drained from me.
By:
Gingerstar1
Age:
31-35
,
Female
