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I Never Realized It Would Be Such a Big Mistake

I live in India, where arranged marriages are the norm. But a lot of people (like my 2 sisters) find their own mates, and marry them. So if u fall in love, you marry your lover, else mom and dad find you a husband.

My situation was so weird; and now I think how stupid I was. But let me begin at the beginning... I am (was?) an attractive, sexy young girl. I remember being a diehard romantic. Ever since I hit teenage, all I ever wanted to do in life was get married. However, the first few guys I dated - didn't work out. There were a couple of relationships with potential, but at that time I thought I should break up because the guy was taking me for granted or something like that. Then, I fell in love with someone who was already seeing someone else.... obviously that was a mistake. After he got married, I decided to gather my life and get back on track.

We identified someone that we all thought was a nice guy. I should have heeded to the signs earlier, but at that time I was so committed, that I thought we could work around all obstacles. What I did not realize then was that he did not feel as committed to making things work, as me. We are like the most incompatible could ever. Among other things that did not work; was the sexual compatibility. There was simply no chemistry. No matter what he did and how, he never even got me aroused. At that time, I did have a little nagging doubt, but I thought that if I teach him lovingly, he will learn. How wrong I was.

Also, at that time my rapport with my parents was very different. They are reserved, conservative people. I could not walk upto them and say, "hey! There seems to be a problem. You see, I slept with this guy even though the marriage is months away, and i find that we are physically incompatible." I felt it was impossible to discuss my sex life with my conservative and very reserved parents. If only I knew that years later I would be telling them details about it!

It was a mistake - a huge one. Since seven years its been a saga of abuse, fighting - everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.

Twice he ruptured my eardrum when he hit me. He has throttled me when I was pregnant, (because I was tired of nursing the first baby), he has given me a black eye, hit me on the head so many times that I was dizzy for a week.... But even just leaving aside all the abuse, this relationship has left a huge emotional void in my life.

The guy simply does not know how to be romantic - to nurture emotionally - worst thing is - he does not care about learning. So here I am, stuck in this relationship. At 33, I know that if I walk out, I still can find someone who might be compatible - but the kids... and finances... I guess these are the top reasons for wives feeling stuck and not leaving. I'll tell more later...
skylightangel skylightangel 31-35, F 13 Responses May 20, 2007

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I am surprised that you are focusing so much on the loving and nurturing part when he is abusing you. That should be your first concern and how it will affect the children.

Your story has nothing to do w love chemistry or sex... its abuse you should fight to free yourself

Better to walkout with courage than to die helpless. Go ahead find your own space. Do not lean on parents or relatives. Seek no help & fight your way out.

remember this isn't in america but india which I suspect the cultural rules are different.

I know what you are going thru... i m in a similar situation... i have somehow got my hubby to stop hitting me... but the violence around the house has increased coz he cant get his hands on me..... throwing stuff...breaking the TV... toppling the microwave... throwing out clothes from the almirahs.... shouting obscenities... well you name it...<br />
Why cant we have the society help us.. and not put up walls in india.. this is the one thing i hate about being in india.... pseudo modern living... where more than half the world thinks u r character less if you walked out of a marriage... however abusive it may be...

One thing that i have learnt from my own experience is to respect oneself above all.Tell yourself and tell the world that you are not to be treated below human dignity.Learn to be brave.It is difficult but believe me when you stop putting up with nonsence,things change.I could not do it for myself,my sister helped me out.But today i am far happier,confidant and content.Let your family help you out

i dont entirely agree with johann a punch in the nose hurts just as much whether you are indian or australian<br />
and I am not one of 'your women'. culture should not be an excuse for violence or less human rights

the support you get is unfortunately supported by the very society that surrounds you. You have to work with tools that are available to you not idealistic ones that don't apply because of cultural norms, and if you do prepare for a long drawn out battle.

Babe,<br />
<br />
This sounds terrible. Please don't stay with him. He is destroying you. VIOLENCE is not normal.<br />
<br />
Can you get maintenance for your kids?<br />
<br />
He is cruel. He CAN'T hit you when you are PREGNANT? Please leave him. Your kids will understand when they are older. He is violating your human rights.

I have so much in common with you! He doesn't hit me thankfully! Read my posts.

As a westerner I am not fit to judge your situation nor or other westerners. We have a different set of laws and social norms than other cultures. The situation of women in the world outside of western Europe, North America, Australia and New Zealand is very different to our women. Your legal rights and financial opportunities are much more limited than in the west, but you may have the recourse of going to your father or brothers and pleading for intervention on your behalf. They may be able to impress upon your husband the situation that you are in. Good luck and I pray that you are never abused again.

If he hits you, he'll hit your children. I don't understand why you are expected to suffer, or why your family doesn't protect you. It's probably unfair for me to push my cultural bias onto your situation, but if anyone were to hit my sister.... well, it wouldn't happen twice. I respectfully suggest there are more subtle dangers as well, when children witness abusive behavior. I hope you find relief.

I am sorry about your situation. I had an arranged marriage too. I am 34 and I am in a rut. My husband has ED, he has no interest in sex and had an intense emotional affair with his friend for years after our marriage. Of course, he worked all the time and I never suspected anything, can you imagine? My husband never divulged his problem to me and I was depressed due to lack of affection and due to his affair. I am still stuck emotionally wondering if things will ever change for the better. Good luck to you, I hope you find happiness in your life.

Sorry about your situation. Can't your parents take you in? Or your sisters. This is not right. You don't want your children to grow up behaving this way. You have to put some thought into how to get out. I am sure you already are but you need to take a step out when you feel the time is right. Again sorry for what happened and hope things workout for you in the long run.

Oh dear, you need to try to get out as soon as you can. Do they offer shelters for battered wives where you live? Those acts are completely unforgivable and what's worse is that he doesn't care to change that. I really feel for you. Take a stand and don't let this destroy your life entirely.