I Am In a Bad Marriage
I've only been married for 4 years, together for over 10. This is my second marriage, so you'd think I'd have it figured out! Unfortunately that's not the case. We should never have gotten married as we have always struggled with our relationship. I have almost left several times but then chickened out or was talked out of it each time. My husband has an explosive temper. He isn't physically abusive, but he can be very emotionally and verbally abusive. He of course doesn't see it this way. He doesn't see anything as being his doing actually. Everything in our marriage, and in life in general, is my fault according to him. I think one of the biggest problems in our marriage is that he doesn't OWN anything, he turns everything around and places blame on someone else (usually me). I don't think he has ever apologized to me and he's said some pretty awful and hurtful things. I feel such guilt that I put my kids through such hell with him while they were growing up. The constant fighting between us, the exposive temper and verbal abuse that they suffered themselves. They've all moved out now, 2 to be on their own going to school or working, and the youngest to be with his dad, where he feels loved and safe and things are calm. Things feel so hopeless for me. I feel like I've tried everything and nothing has worked. I've gone to a support group for women living with men with PTSD, which gave me lots of understanding and insight into some of the behavious, but what's the point of educating myself if he isn't willing to get help and try to change?? He's philosophy is 'you all know I get angry, so just don't **** me off'. That's impossible and not fair to everyone around him anyway. I am financially dependent and just don't know what to do. I'm also embarassed that I've been married twice now and both times failed. What the hell is wrong with me?? I used to be an easy going, upbeat person, but really struggle now to have a smile on my face. Being in a relationship like this really takes its toll on all other relationships. I don't want my family to see how bad things are, how strained and horrible, and I get tired of putting a fake smile on. I don't want to complain to friends either because like I said, I'm embarassed. They would probably think, why the hell don't you just leave him then?? I know that's probably what I'm going to have to figure out how to do as things just are never going to get better. I know that, but can't seem to face it, or summon the courage to be on my own.
By:
ThoughtIWasAlone
Age:
41-45
,
Female
