We Messed Up

I remember when we first met. I couldn’t qualify with my weapon and he showed me the position I should lie in for a better shot. Thanks to him I qualified. He was funny and cute and he had a great smile. He had me interested.   I consider myself to be slightly shy until I get to know people, but when he said he needed a ride, I was the first to volunteer. I didn’t even know where he lived and I had volunteered   to pick him up.    I don’t exactly remember how we started seeing each other, but I knew I liked him. I remember kissing him in the car. It was pretty hot and heavy in there. I laid his seat down by pulling the lever on the side of the seat (I surprised myself).    I ended up getting pregnant and now that I think about it the situation played out really strange. When I told him he wanted us to tell his parents, we were 23. And there I was sitting in front of his parents listening to them lecture me on how this child deserved a family. I wanted to get a abortion, but I was swayed by the religious aspect of the whole thing. So it was settled we were going to have the baby and get married, not in that order but you get the picture. As fate would have it I lost the baby, and I immediately told him he didn’t have t marry me. (Who wants marry someone just because they were pregnant?).    I’ll never forget the day he said he wanted to marry me with or without the baby. He forgot. That moment made me fall deeply in love with him. Even though we weren’t supposed to, we had sex and I felt happy I was getting married.   We were married and two months later I joined the military. My training was about 9 months. When it was finally time for us to live together he was activated for a year which meant we would live as a married couple on two different coasts. We spent our first year apart, I don’t think either one of us understood what that year apart would do to our marriage. He started using my cell phone like it was his and when I took it back he had messages from other women. He said they picked him up from work and I didn’t believe it for a second. While I was away one of my friends at home saw him out with another girl and when I asked him where he was, he said he was at home. I caught him in a lie. I never trusted him 100% after that. That hurt me more than I can ever say.   Whenever I called him he was too busy for me. I tried to explain to him how alone I felt across the country by myself but he didn’t care. If he did I didn’t notice. Somehow messages from other women would end up in my voicemail box. Of course my feelings were belittled and of course there was nothing going on. Looking back at all of this I think to myself how stupid am I?   We saw each other for a couple of holidays and birthdays and of course our anniversary. When I saw him at Christmas he had changed from the person I thought I knew. No to mention there was a picture of someone’s **** on our home computer it could have been his, I don’t know but he blamed it on his friend. How convenient right? What kind of friend puts his penis on your computer? Not to mention his business. Some half naked chick in lingerie on the sofa while I was sleeping. He and his friends took pictures of her and used them on a flier for his business. I thought if this kind of stuff goes on while I’m here what the hell goes on when I’m not here?   There were several times before we were officially reunited when I told him I wanted a divorce, It didn’t feel right. He knew it too. He only stayed with me to prove other people wrong. Maybe he loved me, I don’t know. He came out to the opposite coast and we stayed together dysfunctional as ever. He was depressed and I was horny. He didn’t have a job and I was frustrated. It just wasn’t going right.   I think it was about two years into our marriage when he said he didn’t like the way I kissed, he thought it was gross. SLAP!! What am I supposed to do about that now?! He married someone he didn’t like kissing. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I thought men and women had to like the way a person kissed to date them, sleep with them let alone marry them.   Did I mention the sex drive? Maybe it was the weed but I thought we had great sex when were dating. The night of our wedding I had to remind him we were supposed to have sex. Anyway later down the line he preferred **** over me. One day I left work early only to find him in the living room in front of the computer with his pants off; Mr. Happy out and ready to jerk off. My first instinct was to help him out but for some strange reason it hurt and I couldn’t do it. I tried to talk to him about our problems, (sex was only one) but it always turned into him blanking out and me feeling hurt. I didn’t think I deserved to be with an unemotional, no sex drive, no job, man. So that started our annual divorce request.   The only way I get sex from him is guilting him into it. Guilting him into sex has gotten old and it has destroyed my self-esteem. I don’t feel attractive or sexy or worthy. I think lack of sex is grounds for a divorce, or is it?    Every year for the past five years more than once a year one of us (mostly me) has asked or demanded a divorce. It was the only effective way I knew how to get results out of him. I want things to work out but I wasn’t us to be happy too.   Don’t get me wrong I’m no angel, I’ve done my share of dirt. I once planned on visiting a ex-boyfriend, but I didn’t go at the advice of a good friend. She suggested we spend the day together instead and we did. I didn’t want to go home. I hated home so I stayed out in the city until maybe ten or 11pm. He thought I went to see my ex and it did seem a bit suspicious. I told him it was slip up and it would never happen again.   Not to mention the childhood issues I never dealt with. I never told him I was raped, I tried while we were dating but for some strange reason I couldn’t. Maybe cause I didn’t trust him. Once when we were having sex I swear I had a flash back and I began to cry uncontrollably. It scared him. It scared me. I was sexually abused more than once. My mom died when I was 14 or 15 I don’t remember. I didn’t trust anyone especially men. I was depressed and I didn’t even know it. I packed all of that baggage somewhere in my mind and I thought I was ok. As a result of my not being ok I took a lot of my baggage out on him. I regret it. I didn’t know it would get in the way of my relationships. I went to counseling, we went to counseling. I feel better but I’ve hurt my husband in ways I’ll never know. At the height of all of the drama I started cutting myself and I had to go to a psych ward. One night was all I needed there, but that’s another story.   Last year after agreeing on a divorce we somehow managed to produce a child. He only stayed with me because of the baby. The reason was because I cheated on him emotionally with another guy. I met him in a club while in Vegas visiting my family. I felt I had a valid reason, I needed a connection with someone and that guy fit the bill. We didn’t have sex but there were a couple of discussions. He was in Oklahoma, I was in Maryland it was physically impossible. He made me feel attractive and alive and happy. I felt like a teenager always wanting my phone to ring and sending text messages. I loved him at that moment because he made me feel good and I told him so. My husband overheard and it hurt him to hear me tell someone else I loved them. At that time I didn’t care because from another state some guy was doing what he was supposed to do. I realize now that what I did was pretty rotten.   I thought all was forgiven. I gave birth to our child and things seemed to be going really well. For once in our marriage we were actually happy. I guess at the realization of this troubled started to brew. On the eve of our 5th anniversary I thought I should clear the air about some things that were bothering me. BIG mistake! As it turns out every day for the last year he has been thinking about me telling the other guy I loved him. He exploded on me and I did the same to him. So in our usual fashion we were again on the verge of divorce. Only I didn’t really want one I thought we were happy. I called his parents, my parents and anyone who would listen to give some idea of how things could be this way. As always we ended up working things out. He wrote a 3 ½ page letter about his feelings for the past five years. He said he didn’t exactly love me that much when we were married and he thought it would come after the wedding, ouch! I knew that from his kiss comment but to actually have him admit it hurt.    I don’t feel there is anything I can do about what I’ve done. Just like there isn’t anything he can do to relieve my past hurts that he caused.   But now more than ever I think we’ve been through too much and enough is enough. We don’t kiss except for a quick muahh. And we don’t have sex. I don’t want to anymore because my self-esteem is shot. Now what?    
electricjumpoff electricjumpoff
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 7, 2007

get a divorce and go to individual counceling, for you and your child's sake.