I Am Leaving


I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend (whom I have mistreated and for that I am sincerely sorry) but the discussion was the end of my marriage. I am leaving my wife. After the holidays, God Willing, we will go our separate ways. I really wish I could run, pack my bags and run far far away. But wherever I wind up and unpack my bags, I unpack all my problems too. No this is something that must be done the right way, the mature way. At least for the sake of my children I will miss greatly.


I have never been in love my wife. The love I have for her is that of the love a father has for the mother of his children that is all. I am only with her b/c I got her pregnant before I could break up with her. I stayed with her because I chose to, because I wanted a wife and family. It was the ideal I always sought. I even adopted her other child, a son who had no father and needed one. He does not know I am not his father, and we keep it that way. As I said it was the ideal I wanted.  But like everything else in my life, it’s a fairy tale for other people.          

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Hours upon hours of sleepless nights stuck in my head. My mind is like a bad neighborhood, a place I shouldn’t go alone. Despite the fact I hate my marriage, hate living w/ my wife, hate my life with her, I am still there! We fight constantly yet I can never truly tell her that I want to leave. We have decided that we must go our separate ways. That was during another lovely fight we had earlier in the week. Yet I am mute. I cannot speak. The words lose themselves before they come out of my mouth. Years upon years of stuffed anger, frustration and resentment are corked deep within me. Years of none of my needs being met; my emotional, physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual needs unattended, even my freedom of self-expression has been taken. What I weak and ineffectual man I am.  I am fearful of all this pent up negativity. I fear if I release it, I will lose my mind; have a nervous breakdown, or explode in ball of fury.  I am not the abusive type the only violence that could occur would be directed inward not outward. This scares me as well. Despite all of this, despite this hatred, I find myself trying to find ways to stay. What the hell I am doing? What is that I am trying to avoid? It’s not the fear of being alone. It’s not the fear of never loving. It’s not the fear starting over from scratch @ 39. It’s the fear of the process and all the anxiety that I have to endure. And in my inability to deal w/ my anxiety along with her emotional abusive ways have destroyed my self-esteem. I am not good to anyone right now, including myself. I cannot go on like this. My life and I are a mess. .  I gave everything I had to her and have been nothing but **** upon for it.  

But I must face the fear. They are only feelings. They are not the reality, only my poor coping skills. I literally will die if I stay much longer. I will not last through the next year if I stay. I will be dead and buried before I am 40.  I know myself well enough to be convinced that my demise is imminent if I do not leave.

No! I am leaving. Find some other sucker to abuse. I am worthy of the dreams I seek, and the love I desire. Goodbye!

Smokeseek Smokeseek
36-40, M
12 Responses Dec 4, 2008

By pouring out what you are undergoing through is already a step forward you have made.You deserve the best and dont get stuck in fears of starting from nothing we all started from nothing to be something.Saying goodbye and leaving behind what you have achieved and build for years is the worst part in someone`s Life. But sometimes we might as well keep holding back what might cost our lives so its better letting it go.

I know my husband isn't happy. But i don't know why. Can you tell me what your wife is doing that is so awful. i want my marriage to work but don't know how to fix it. I am sorry for your pain, you sound like a great person. Esp for adopting and being a father to a fatherless child. May your life get better.

Hey Joe<br />
<br />
Thanks for commenting. I am making the most of my situation. I simply cant picture not being with them all the time. so I am sacrificing most everything else for the time being, just be there.

I can't thank you enough for sharing your story. I am in almost the exact same boat and was feeling like I was the only one. Your story showed me that there are other men out there like myself who fear leaving. I love my children more then anything in this world and the only reason I have put up with so much garbage is because I cannot even imagine a day going by without seeing them. I hope everything works out for you and whether you knew it or not, your story has given me some hope. Best of luck to you!!!!!<br />
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Thanks llady, things are okay. Not great, still living as roommates, but my attitudes has changed greatly. Taking the time to work on me. Again thanks.

I hope things are looking up for you !

I'm happy for you in that you have made up your mind. And you are right, the process of leaving is scary. You are giving up everything you know for the unknown - very scary.<br />
<br />
"I gave everything I had to her and have been nothing but **** upon for it." I'm sorry that you experienced this rejection. <br />
<br />
Be good to yourself, be strong, you deserve it. <br />
<br />
Take some time to get to know yourself that's the best thing you could do for yourself. <br />
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Thinking of you

You must leave..for yourself and that is not being selfish. You have to find who you are again, and be yourself..you are a wonderful person and I am still so blessed to have met you. You have been there for me, in reality a stranger, like I am one of your closest friends..that my dear is how I know you have a good heart and are a wonderful man. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life, but you need to find yourself again first. You owe it to yourself..you deserve the sky and the sky is the limit. <br />
*hugs*<br />

Hello Smokeseek!<br />
I'm a 56 year old man who has been exactly (almost) where you are now. I can tell you this much, IT WILL GET BETTER! But it will take time and patience on your part and hers.<br />
I can only speak for myself, but pysically writing down how you feel or writing a letter to your wife expressing your feelings seemed to help me. This letter shouldn't be given to her! That's important, because it will only cause more problems. Also what helped me was seeing a good therapist and sharing my letters and thoughts with her! Don't be afraid or ashamed to go! We all need that kind of help from time to time. Not to tell us what to do, but to help us understand why we feel as we do! I could go on and on telling you what NOT to do, because I made many BIG mistakes myself.<br />
Also think about how your actions will affect your family and conceder them before doing something you may later regret! Remember nothing in this world is worth taking your life over!! 3 years ago this summer I attemped suicide and failed! Failing seemed at first as just another of a long list of disappointments. But in fact it was a wake up call for me. I spent over a month in a mental hospital and if nothing else that taught me a great deal about who I really am!<br />
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Hang in there my friend! Find a way to vent your anger so you don't do something you will later regret!<br />
<br />
Take care,<br />

Thank you Bella, you have always been true.

Thank you PML. You have been a good friend w/ caring ear. I appreciate all you have done for me.

It has been a tough journey, I can only imagine. But you are there. Soon it will come to an end and your sunny days will await you. <br />
You sound very determined to take that step. That is a good thing; the last thing anyone wants to do is take venture onto a unsure road. <br />
Keep your strength and maintain your self believe. You must know that inside you is a strong, sensitive, and kind man. <br />
There is nothing; that is reachable; that you can't do!!<br />
<br />
Good luck