I Am Leaving
I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend (whom I have mistreated and for that I am sincerely sorry) but the discussion was the end of my marriage. I am leaving my wife. After the holidays, God Willing, we will go our separate ways. I really wish I could run, pack my bags and run far far away. But wherever I wind up and unpack my bags, I unpack all my problems too. No this is something that must be done the right way, the mature way. At least for the sake of my children I will miss greatly.
I have never been in love my wife. The love I have for her is that of the love a father has for the mother of his children that is all. I am only with her b/c I got her pregnant before I could break up with her. I stayed with her because I chose to, because I wanted a wife and family. It was the ideal I always sought. I even adopted her other child, a son who had no father and needed one. He does not know I am not his father, and we keep it that way. As I said it was the ideal I wanted. But like everything else in my life, it’s a fairy tale for other people.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Hours upon hours of sleepless nights stuck in my head. My mind is like a bad neighborhood, a place I shouldn’t go alone. Despite the fact I hate my marriage, hate living w/ my wife, hate my life with her, I am still there! We fight constantly yet I can never truly tell her that I want to leave. We have decided that we must go our separate ways. That was during another lovely fight we had earlier in the week. Yet I am mute. I cannot speak. The words lose themselves before they come out of my mouth. Years upon years of stuffed anger, frustration and resentment are corked deep within me. Years of none of my needs being met; my emotional, physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual needs unattended, even my freedom of self-ex
But I must face the fear. They are only feelings. They are not the reality, only my poor coping skills. I literally will die if I stay much longer. I will not last through the next year if I stay. I will be dead and buried before I am 40. I know myself well enough to be convinced that my demise is imminent if I do not leave.
No! I am leaving. Find some other sucker to abuse. I am worthy of the dreams I seek, and the love I desire. Goodbye!