I Need Help....

I have been married for 10 years and for the last 4 it has been awful. My husbands' younger brother died in 2005 and he has not been the same since. He is angry, depressed and a totally different person then who I married. He refuses to get professional help. He does not want to go anywhere or do anything except work. He constantly puts me down and treats me badly. He never says he loves me.....he never wants to talk anymore.....he was not even close with his brother....he mainly has alot of guilt because of that and that is the reason he is so messed up.

I became pregnant and had our first and only daughter in 2006. He started abusing and taking prescription pain killers my entire pregnancy....that was his way of "getting help". He would finish a bottle of 90 pills in a week and then be sick for 3 days after. He would refill and order more online every month. His family owns a restaurant where he works so he could lie and take off work and not get fired. 

He stopped the pills after the baby was born and was somewhat of a help in the beginning. But once I got a routine going with the baby he stopped helping. He does not help with our daughter at all. I work full time, take her to the sitter, take her to school, take her to playdates....it is always just her and me. He refuses to do anything as a family claiming he has to work. HE does work alot- but even on his days off he does nothing with us. If he is off during the week he will still want our daughter with the sitter. He even worked on XMAS!! I have to beg him or yell just to get the minimal amount of help.

He also does not pay for anything for our child. I buy all her clothes, her shoes, her pull ups, her food....i even pay for the sitter. and her birthday party this year was all me. My parents pay for her preschool too. He has enough money in a separate acct and only gves me the amount  to pay for half of our basic bills each month....mortgage, oil, electricity, cars etc....

Recently his son (my step son who is 20) was in a very bad accident and is paralysed. He received 7 million dollars in a law suit settlement. My husband has started a corporation with him and they are going to open a restaurant business together. He says my name will not be on anything because he is afraid I will take his son's money if we divorce. He knows I am not happy....so he is afraid I will divorce him. I do not want his son's money- but I want my daughter to get what she is entitled to. His parents have alot of money in their diner business and that will one day be his- she should be able to get part of that.....at least for college.

The truth is...I am scared to leave. I really have no where to go and I do not want to lose my house in a divorce. I need his income. He says I will only get half of what he makes on the books. HIs family is good at hiding money and they give him alot more cash then is on the books. Also- my daughter is 3 now and says she loves her dada. He plays with her and makes her laugh.....but I am not happy at all. I am just getting thru each day as best I can. I have not told anyone how I am feeling.

Recently he has started taking the painkillers again. He went thru a huge bottle in 5 days lastweek and is now sick on our couch. I have had it but I do not know what to do.

We have had sex- but recently not so much in the last 2 months. 

He is a good man and very smart....despite his flaws. My mother thinks I should stick it out for a year and see if he gets better....and also see if he makes more money with the new corporation/restaurant he will open with his son. I told her a little abt what is going on.

I am nervous to divorce him and end up with nothing......because he will hide money and lie.

 I also do not want my daughter to be miserable without her father. I also am not sure I want to be alone.

Pls help....thks!


tawney tawney
2 Responses Mar 9, 2009

This is a tough situation....and it sounds lile you need more than amateur advice....I'd suggest starting with a really good, reliable therapist....one that will listen and not give advice so much as help you sort through everything going on....I firmly believe we are the best experts in our own lives...Second, I think you need to at least sit down and discuss this with an attorney....I'm not suggesting filing for divorce, but get a realistic picture of what you can expect if that is what you ultimately decide to do....a good attorney is invaluable and things may not be as financially dire as you believe...<br />
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Good luck to you....SS

thks ....i hear you....it is awful. but what do i do abt the financial factor? and my daughter who loves her dad??