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I'm In a Bad Place

I have been married over 30 years and am in a bad place.  He is verbally abusive

and I feel like I have nowhere to turn.  It's easy for everyone to tell you to leave,

but it is a case that I stayed too long, am financially deeply locked to him and feel

miserable every day.  Most of my family has died, and have only one close family

member left.  I don't have the courage to walk away, I can't explain why...maybe

fear of the consequences since he is a substance abuser.  I know the answers, but

I don't know how to get there.  Every day, I want to get into my car and drive away

and keep going.  I still have two boys at home, but they're over 18.  I can't leave

them...I feel I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and I try so hard to be

posiitive and see the good in my life, but it's becoming harder every day.  I don't feel

that I'm depressed, but I know I have anxiety issues which have been addressed.  It

helps to talk to other people, and I think that's what I need to do now...instead of

keeping it all to myself and trying to cope on my own.

LaurieK LaurieK 51-55 10 Responses Jul 29, 2009

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I feel like you...I read lots of books and look at my friends fb posts...and for a little while I assume their happy lives...and then its back to reality. I just want to run away and start a new life somewhere nobody knows me...but I wouldnt ever want to leave my kids...so what to do?

Laurie you sound exactly like me. I am stuck with a husband that is verbally abusive and treats me lousy. I can't leave either because I am dependent on him financially after all these years. I should have listened to my dad a long time ago when he said, "don't ever give up your job". At the time I had to give it up because I have four kids. My husband would't have cared for them that's for sure. His job is far more important. He is good to them and loves them now that they are all grown up but they wouldn't be the way they are if I didn't sacrifice my life. Three of the four are in college and one is out and happily married. I'm an only child to top it off and my parents have passed away. I have lots of cousins, but I never really told them much about my husband. I guess I was always hoping it would get better. It is so hard dealing with all of it.

I read your story and am in a similar situation: bad marriage and severe financial problems. Neither one of us can afford a lawyer, but I have recently been working with New Era debt management and they are GREAT!!! they are helping us reduce our credit card bills by working with the creditors and we should be paid off in three years. I"m sure it will affect our credit, but it's already bad now so who cares!! The point is I will soon be financially "free" and will be able to be on my own with my boys.

you should look into these options. New Era has been helpful, supportive and NON judegemental with my finances. I think you should try. You don't deserve to be abused, none of us do.

Hi,

I stayed with my abusive husband for fourteen & a half long years & so i do understand everything that you are saying,...BUT it is NOT too late to get out!

Your children no matter how old will actually probably respect you more for walking-driving away!

They cannot be happy if you are miserable & they may possibly go on to continue the cycle that you are in now.

Ask yourself if you want that for them or if you truly want to live out your days like this.

There are women's organisations that can & WILL help you to escape from this situation,...if you would ever like to talk then please feel free to contact me.

I can relate to your story. I am in bad situation. He's mentally abusive. I have no parents I one close cousin out-of state. I have 3 under age kids I can't leave behind or bare to uproot. I know this isn't healthy or right. I would love to talk to you more. I know just how you feel. It's hard to explain

Well you have obviously become aware of the problem and as you say recognition is the first step. As for deserving to be happy, that is an inherent right to all of us. You deserve happiness as much as everyone else does. You may not get it tomorrow but start with the small steps. Build your self esteem back, knowing you are not the things your abusive husband says and let that carry you along.

Sometimes it can be one minute at a time.You'll know when your ready.I use to ask my friends...When will I be ready...They said,you'll know when you know and you will.

Recognition is the first step...then to truly believe that

you deserve to be happy. One friend told me that we

have free choice, but it's a difficult step to take when

you've habitually reacted a certain way your whole

marriage. I'm learning to immunize myself from verbal

attacks...I know the truth. My creedo is one day at a

time...just one day at a time...

I'm really sorry to read this, Laurie. I know other people here will be or will have been in similar positions, so you've done the right thing in reaching out. There are no easy answers, but you don't deserve this abuse, and I hope you can free yourself from this horrible situation.



Take care



Mizz

I guess maybe the first question that comes to mind is why give creedence to his verbal abuse? I'm not sure what form of verbal abuse he uses ... humiliation, abasement, killing your self esteem, etc. But whatever form it is, you know the truth. He says you're a bad cook as an example and you know you're not then just choose to ignore his abuse. Possibly, if you rise to the occassion that is what causes him to continue ... the knowing he can get to you. I well understand having stayed too long and being financially wound together and know it is a very real thing.