Is There Hope?

Being married for 25 years should feel like an achievement, but it doesn't - for me, at least.  I feel like I have been alone in this marriage for more than half of those 25 years and yet, I still cannot decide if I want to stay or not.  Maybe not deciding is the decision itself.  My husband has had multiple affairs.  Three years ago, we separated because of his affair.  He came back and tried to work it out, but it has been stormy since then.  He had a heart attack and a bypass two years ago. I dropped everything to be at his side.  I take responsibility for everything in the family -decisions, finances, etc.  Last month, he asked for space.  He said we had been fighting too much.  Yes, I fight with him and I fight bad.  I don't mean to justify myself but that's because ever since he found a new job, a new set of friends, he has all but forgotten about the marriage and the family.  We have not talked since Sept. 8.  I don't know if I should just make a decision and move on or if there is any basis at all for me to hope that things will change.  It feels like I have been waiting all my life for this man to realize the value of his family.  I am embarassed that at this age, I am 43, and after 25 years of marriage, we still can't get our act together.  I am led to think that maybe there is no hope for this marriage anymore.

criselda criselda
41-45, F
9 Responses Oct 16, 2007

Me too, only 23 years. I guess I'Ve been with a man that is in able of having a relationship; per my therapist he thinks only of himself. I'm so lonely but have been through much that I will never go through that again

Hi criselda

I was married for almost 20 years and I know how you feel right now. It's been a while since you posted this so I hope you are feeling a bit better. I can relate to the anger you feel inside and the heavy burden on your heart. I carried one for a long time too. You are still young believe it or not. You have time on your side but in the next 10 years you will find how fast it will go. It might be time to consider a decision. One for your own wellbeing. I'm talking about your life and a new life.

I was married for almost 18 years. My marriage fell apart when I was in my 50's. I am young at heart and still had life, but life passes us by quickly. I look back at all the time I spent trying to do the right thing. One day passes and another and before you know it you spend years trying to rationalize why you should stay.

Things really got rough when my husband had a heart attack and he had to have a pacemaker put in. I was like you and there for him all the way. I felt very stressed taking care of everything and dealing with the illness he had.

I found out he was trying to meet other men on the internet just before the heart attack. Can you imagine the shock? My shock was that I had hung in a marriage and done my best and I thought we got along well...but he would never want to be intimate. He had a problem with ED. I went for years without affection in that way and it was really horrible because I couldn't tell anyone about it. I should have talked with someone and not kept it in. When we first met things were romantic and it was an eventual downslide after the marriage. I hear women say they are attractive and can't understand why their man doesn't desire them. It isn't about how we look or how hard we try...yet we tend to always allow ourselves to think this way. Either someone cares in the ways that YOU need or they don't and if they don't then possibly it's time to give yourself a chance to move on so you can be happy.

I knew in my heart I probably wasn't wanting to stay in the marriage but I had considered over and over what would happen if I changed? I ended up having to change my life in the end anyhow.

Things just fell apart as he changed so much and I just fell apart and couldn't take it anymore. My nerves are still shot from all those years of trying to hang in there and do the right thing.

All that time wasn't worth it at all. He ended up going on with his life as if I never existed and is with another woman who is much older than him. He also went with other women too. I really can't figure it all out. He was a confusing man.

Some people will never make sense and it doesn't matter how well you think you know them. Surprises happen even after years of investment.

May be you shouldn't try and figure it out and just do what your heart is telling you to do. You only have one life and may end up holding the bag with nothing to show for it.
I am hoping this won't happen to you, but it happened to me. We can spend our lives doing for some people who will forget us in the end. Some people use other people if they let themselves be used. We think it may be love but we do know the signs and just don't want to face the facts. In the end it may happen anyhow. We need to listen to our silent voice and follow it.

Good luck! Life can be so hard at times...but there is a lesson in everything. I learned that I do not need someone else to be whole.

I think without realizing it you have stated he has new set of friends and new job. he want share his life with you. he asked for his space. sounds like he has already made his choice you are going to have to look after you. i hate saying end a marriage but sounds like it is already there. to bad he could not make that decision before the heart problems when you were not emotionally attached to him from him being sick. but sounds like he has made his choice now is time for you to think of you. good luck in what ever you decide.

Are you willing to spend another 25 years doing this? If you're 43, then you're halfway through life. Isn't it time you were happy? I don't know...I am in an unhappy marriage myself, and I ask myself this question all the time. Another 21 years of what I've had almost makes me want to scream. You're lucky, yours is giving you the clues that he wnts out. I would say if it were me, I would move on... Good luck in your decision. Just don't wait too long to be happy.

I say google Tony Robbins, watch some of the videos about relationships, you may be surprised


Yes it is so sad to read your post.. I have been in a bad marriage as well. Our communication broke down years ago. I had noticed that hubby had lost intrest in the house hold and our family, and our "alone" time. I have not had a sexual time with my husband, going on 2 years now. My husband took us in and married Me and my 2 children that had lost their daddy in a car wreck.. I was SO HAPPY that i had someone to watch over us and love us forever!!! WRONG! (Reality Check)!<br />
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My Husband is a physically beautiful person on the outside. BUt on the inside he is so emotionally mean and has denied me of his affection for years!! My Husband is a narrcassist, in my opinion only. This marriage is all about him, his life and his Job!<br />
It is time iI seek help for myself and think about my life and my beautiful children. I have noticed that he has began to make excuses for his actions and behavior... He is a strong person mentally and that is what I loved so much about him.....!<br />
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Now that strong behavior is my worst enemy. I am constantly being put down for all I do, and not do. I have not workled out side of home in 11 years. I have raised and am raising our children. He blames me for not supplimenting income to this family.. he is so MAD that he is paying all the bills.<br />
I can understand that, however; he makes more than enough to not be so upset. My kids need me at home, especially my oldest that has had been on medication for years.<br />
I have not just stood on my *** and wrkd in the home, I have supported his employment 100%.. did his company web site free.. (GOVT site// at that!) <br />
did his an designed his company billboards .. for free ( he says they are not for free..... that I am earning my stay at home!) <br />
That I can handle, at least I feel like I am doing something for his employment and supporting it, along with his team.<br />
Finally he has taken me off his savings account.. without my permission...and has been hiding his funds from his paycheck moving them all around to different accounts... is out at job conferences for weeks! without calling on to check on his family... gets mad at me whan i take out funds from OUR account for the kids... mcdonalds, swimmimg, ect....<br />
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He is just not here at home anymore. and has not been for a very long time. On a personal note: I have always been the type to take care of myself.. physically and mentally, and so does he.<br />
I have not gained weight i actually lost weight for him... with no notice. <br />
I must say it is the middle age crisis.. that is costing our marriage. and his high end employment with his govt. peoples. I feel so at lost cause i can not even compare to him and his peoples...... Its all about politics and my Husbands big head in his rank.<br />
I need help in letting go.... I am tired of being treated as nothing, and as one of his soldiers and so are our children..

Move on! He has sent you very clear messages. He will not change. People usually don't change. It is you who has to change. Stop waiting. Free yourself from him, he is controlling your life and you are letting him. If you are worried about your children (I understand), consider getting involved with your own friends, even having a lover. You deserve to enjoy life and not be tied down by this man.

It's so sad to read your post. I have to say that if you are experiencing a communication breakdown, you might want to consider a trial separation to see if that shakes him up. It might work...but think it through before acting as it also could backfire.... <br />
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I wish you much luck... I know exactly how you feel....