Secret Marriage, Secret Separation

We've been together 9 years, married 5. Three years ago, we began to have serious problems related to money, stress, mutual resentment. Need I say our sex life began to decline dramatically around then? It was a classic case of her thinking I wan't attracted when it was my being self-conscious of her contempt for me.

Two years ago, she invited her online bf to come stay with us (never telling him she's married). I was 8 months unemployed at that point (first time in my life), had no place to go, and only wanted to stick a gun in my mouth.

I moved downstairs, let them have each other, and planned for the end--whether it would just be suicide, double-, or triple-homicide. I heard them ****, i heard them fight. Then something in me just died, and I went through a phase of numbness that lasted about three months.

It must have been a kind of pseudo-suicide, as I cannot even recall why I was so upset. I got a job just then (I had never quit searching), and I realized the future would not likely be worse than the recent past. I also realized I was in a rare position of moral superiority: whatever you can say about me, I had never cheated (and still haven't). They are still unhappily together, and that's still ok by me.

I do still love my wife, but it will never be the same, as i am a different person. Whether I stay in this or not, I will not about these stupidities again. For now, I am comfortable in this little corner of Limbo until the next Conjunction of the Spheres if need be.

I have never told anybody about this, nor written it down. Until now, she, one of her friends, and I were the only ones aware. Should this have been an anonymous confession?
rattleschains rattleschains
41-45, M
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

That sounds about as complicated as it gets Rattles. Really and truly, though you're writing very objectively, it sounds like your wife has made some egregious violations of personal respect. The status of your relationship aside, no long term partners should feel like the unpopular room mate banished to the basement. I can barely begin to fathom how damaging living with your wife's boyfriend is to your self esteem. And to keep quiet about it all from everyone you know? I'm sure no one who loves or respects you would want that for you. There are ways out Rattles, and I believe you need to investigate them. This is a textbook toxic environment for anyone's emotional health, despite still loving your wife. Love does not appear to be shared equally here.

I was just going to send you a thank you for friending me (thanks, btw).

On the above: She definitely regrets this now, and is trying to break it off with him. If she does so in a time, we'll than see if ther's anything to salvage. If not, i will be exploring those options. I am genuinely ambivalent about our marriage, and will not invest any more anguish over it. In fact, i feel more like my wife is a troubled sister or cousin now, and don't know how well becoming lovers again will work.

Thank you again for your concern. I'd forgotten how good it feels to receive a warm, caring sentiment. And you are right, this affects me a bit more than i may be letting on.

You're very welcome :) And thank you for the candle! Actually brightened my day, no pun intended.

Your response is evoking a classic battle of cynic versus optimist in my brain. On the one hand I ponder hmm .. how does one 'try to break it off'? Don't you just ...do? As Yoda would say.. there is no try. If your wife resides in her own head, she must be somewhat aware of where she stands emotionally. I just can't fathom doing that to the person I'm supposed to care about the most, and makes me question her emotional health as well.

But crazier things have happened!Some people really can change and be sincere, I believe. So I'll try not to judge her too harshly on her actions, as obviously no one is witnessing your marriage except the two of you.... and her live in boyfriend upstairs..