We're Complex

I guess we're both kind of complex human beings.

I have BPD and can't deal with being close to people. It took me a full five months until I could really ever touch my girlfriend in a sexual way. It took me eternities until I first kissed her. It took me months until I was able to sleep in her embrace without getting a panic attack.

Now I'm able to manage it sometimes and now she starts making a fuzz. It's actually because she's worried about me. That she now will move to fast or something. And I can not keep her from worrying about it. I know it's nice ... but it's also strange to see that now that I've mananged to give her the warmth she longed for, she feels uncomfortable with it...

GothGrrrl GothGrrrl
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 18, 2007

Sounds similar to what I'm going through with my bf, although I don't have BPD.. but I was raped when I was younger and took physical intimacy v.e.r.y. slowly but then after a while it started giving me panic attacks. It's so sad, because I do trust him, and love him, but I'm always scared to trigger another attack, so I tend to be very distant physically. Now when I'm having a good day, I have to constantly reassure him that I'm okay. I wish it weren't such a big deal... it's like if you build up the anxiety enough it will ruin the experience on those rare good days! argh.