Am I Being Used?

My relationship right now is the most complicated one i've ever been in. I was in a relationship for four years with a wonderful girl. We were engaged, had our own place and were doing wonderful.  A year ago, she left, just one day broke it off and got into a relationship that same week with a guy i'd met for friendship online.  I still sort of blame myself for that one as I'm the one who introduced them.  He's treated her like hell, ditching her, threatening to leave her on the side of the road, calling her names and as I found out, putting me down.

There is alot more too it, so so much that i've gone through this last year and put up with, but still I can't seem to stay away from her. About three months ago, she apologized for everything that happened and we talked. We'd already stayed friends somehow after she'd left and she said that she missed me and still loved me and realized what she'd left.  However, through the entire time, she'd changed into someone that I felt I didn't know any more. She'd started sleeping around because her new boyfriend had told her it was okay, she almost lost her religion because he said it wasn't real, he's twisted her mind so now she's got a very pessamistic view on things and she treats the world like it's a joke and nothing will ever get better. However, i've been determined to stay around her, to take care of her and try and help her see the good in life.

So, we got back into a relationship of sorts, starting out just dating and easy. Its to the point now where we hardly spend a day without each other if I don't work and never spend the night apart, almost like it was, however, it's so much more complicated.

She's still with him. She's said over and over how she's breaking up with him and now he's moving to another state, somewhere around a three day drive away, which is good for me, but she's still technically with him.

I don't know how to trust her and I suppose i'm partially to blame because I've looked on her phone before and seen that she's lied to me. She says she's told him when he moves it's over and she won't let me pawn my wedding ring we'd bought because she says she still thinks we'll be together forever, but at the same time tells me that if I find someone she'll be fine with it and she'll have no problem moving past it. I'm never really sure what to think. She talks to him constantly and tells him she loves him, I know she hasn't really told him they are breaking up, I can feel it and i'm not sure she will break up with him.

I don't want to be in a relationship with her when he leaves and have her sneaking around behind my back talking to him and calling him baby and planning to fly out to see him or him thinking they are sticking together. I just don't know what to do. I want her, but I don't want this and it's so utterly complicated because she's always there.

On top of it, she's supposed to move into a house with me and some of our friends as our group is a very tight knit group, so it's almost impossible to get away from her.  I feel like I can't trust her at all anymore and she's not giving me any reason to trust her now. I don't know whether to just leave and move on and let everyone else deal with me not being there in the house or to give her an ultimatum or what. It drives me crazy and makes my head spin.  HELP!

anyankafirequeen anyankafirequeen
26-30, F
7 Responses Sep 14, 2009

Give her an ultimatum. Make her choose and hope for the best!

Its a decision to make. I know how it feels like. So painful specially thinking how's gonna be each day without that person when you know he/she is your reason of waking up each morning. But you know what, if that person really loves you, He/She'll never do anything that will hurt you. Yes there are times or situations that you'll get hurt because of him/her but im pretty sure He/she's gonna deal with his/herself not to do it gain. If a relationship is causing you to get hurt again and again and again and agian and again.... End that up.. It's not healthy anymore. You'll never be really really happy and fully satisfied living with that. That could so hard and painful at first but all wounds heal.. God Bless..

I am in the exact same situation only I am the female and my bf is playing games. He recently left me for another woman which he says turned out to be a mistake and came back to me. There are more issues added to the mix. His mom does not like me for something so silly that him and I did together which involved his brother and his wife who were having some marriage problems. Because we put in OUR two cents worth, I am the one who tried to ruin their marriage and that is why she hates me. Also, he is from Chicago and moved to my area 4 years ago due to a bad relationship that almost landed him in trouble with the law. He moved to Wisconsin to live with relatives to get his life back together. That is when I met him. We have been together for 3.5 years and at first it was not all that great. He is very jealous and controlling. i could not have friends or go anywhere or wear certain clothes. I have always been faithful but would on occasion talk to male AND FEMALE friends. This was not acceptable to him as he thought I was trying to find a new man or female friends were trying to fix me up with someone. He would call me 20 times a day, come to my work and wait for me to get off and follow me around where ever I went. It was very uncomfortable at first and we broke up several times over it., He begged me to take him back and I said things had to change. It did get quite a bit better as I got used to the fact that we had to be together almost all the time but the jealousy was still there. About a month ago, he decided he could not take the fact that I had almost 500 friends on facebook, of which about 100 were male classmates or co workers that I NEVER spoke to. There was a couple of guys that had messaged me and asked some personal questions to which I informed them that I was in a relationship and not interested in them. That happened twice in 3 years. He could not deal with that so he cheated and left me. I could not let him go as I knew the woman he was with was NO good for him and I was not about to throw away almost 4 years of building a strong relationship and helping him become a better person from what he was when I met him. After 3 weeks, he came back to me saying he had made a mistake and missed me and could not stop thinking about me. He still loves me as I do him very much. But now with the pressure put on him by his mom and his brother, he is torn between them and me. He is pressured to move back to Chicago, which I am willing to go with him but know that would not be a wise move for him because that is where a lot of his problems started plus he has in the last month put himself in far debt with various loans and other obligations he is not taking care of. If we make this move, it will put not only him in financial ruins it could me too. It could also cost him is life and me to loose all what I have gained in my life. I own my house, am college educated, own 4 vehicles and consider myself to be very good looking. Many ppl say I can do so much better but I am messed up in the head because of the games he plays. During our break, he saw me walking with a man friend and told me he was very jealous and accused me of cheating!! I was appalled since he was the one who did and we were not together any more. He supposedly dumped the woman but I have my suspicions when he goes to his mom's all the time. She wants him to be with the other (bad) woman and not with me who has supported him, been there for him through all the hard times, etc. <br />
He claims he is going to stay with me and go back home to look for jobs and when he finds one, I can move there with him. He is giving himself a month, coming back to see me on weekends. He says if he does not find a job and affordable housing, he will admit to his failure in doing so and come back to me and start over once again here. I feel like he is lost and confused and don't really know what he wants. It's making me crazy too as I don't know what is truth or lies and he is so unstable. Part of me wants to just let him go but it's so hard, I can't stand to see him fail. I have always been the savior. I know he can do so much better than the path of destruction he is heading towards and I really don't want to be part of it. I need help too!!!

You are in the sex trap, if you want to know what to do just stop having sex with her and she'll tell you what to do, she's one of those woman who wants to have her cake and eat it too.<br />
What you are is a rebound, "if she can't have him, she'll take you". which make you second on her list maybe enev third.<br />
She's never going to stop it it's her world, you have to stop it and move on..........<br />
<br />
Once a cheater always a cheater!

Stay together for the pain, it will teach you wonderful life lessons that you can teach to others when you are old and miserable.

So sorry to hear your having such a terrible time, but it sounds like your GF is taking advantage of your good and kind nature. No one who really loves you would keep seeing someone else and keep you hanging till he goes away. You are obviously so torn up and not happy at all. That is not what real two sided love is about, we all have our troubles in relationships but it shouldn't be this much hard work and make you this sad.<br />
Good luck with everything but take back control of YOUR life, only you have the power to do that. Life can be really tough but there is nothing tougher than living your life for someone else!<br />
All the best:)

Leave her . You are right - she is using you . She is not worthy of you . Just accept that and move on .