I Can't Shake This,...

 

This is a new thing for me.  This whole idea of sharing my situation to the World Wide Web is well frightening.  So where do I begin?  You see I have been a marriage for 13 years.  This marriage has not been all that bad, but as with anything in life, change comes along and you either work with that change or realize that your life must take a different direction.  My wife and I had big dreams, we both came from broken marriages but were optimistic about a renewed future together.

 

All had gone well for the first seven years.  But six years ago we found out that we could not have children.  This was something that we both wanted, and tried very hard to get.  We went to many specialists but it was all for naught.  Once it was explained to us that we could not have children it was devastating for both of us.  For myself I rationalized that I was just blessed enough to have a partner in life. I was very forthcoming with my wife in how I felt and how I grieved.  But I also expressed how happy I was just to have her in my life.  As long as my relationship with her was safe I was happy.

 

The sharing of my grief and also the expression of my gratitude to have her in my life, lightened the heaviness that I carried. I noted at the time and even more so later how she did not really share very deeply what her feelings were.  We did talk many times about adoption but in the end she stated that she was fine with just us, that we would enjoy our life together and share ourselves with our many nieces and nephews.

 

It was not long after this that sex became less and less.  At first I thought this was normal based upon the experience that we had.  I thought these were residuals of the trauma and stress of trying to have a child and learning that you couldn't.  About six months after it was determined we could not have children the sex ended altogether.  I also noted that her demeanor became more of a negative state.  This negativity began to permeate every part of her life.  She more and more began to identify herself with everything external.  Her joy came from shopping, buying things for herself for the House.  It slowly became "look at what I have" not "look at who I am".  For the first three years of this transition I tried many times to connect with her and draw out her pain, trying to focus on maybe what brought her joy.  So many times we went nowhere,...

 

During this time we lived in a city where there were no relatives or childhood friends.  After struggling with her negativity and trying to help her find joy, she shared one day what she did want to do,... move back to our hometown.  I seriously thought this was a good idea as it may help her look at herself.  That maybe, just maybe connecting with family and friends would help her look inside herself to bring back that lost woman I married.  It was at this time that I felt we were at our most distant in our relationship.  I found myself wondering is there something better out there because I could not deal with the level of negativity that I got from day to day.  I found myself looking to other people and more frightening to other women to get some sort of sense that I would be of value that I would be desirable not just physically but as a person.

 

Several months before we moved back to our hometown, I had an unexpected conversation with a young woman of whom I would've never suspected would have the depth and breadth of thought or concern.  This was a warm woman that I met through common family friend.  She was at university on full scholarship, and A+ student.  She was paid to go to university!  I was always intrigued by her level of commitment and quietly ferocious mind.  Often I would meet her unexpectedly and end up having a coffee chatting just about anything.  After a bit I caught myself looking for reasons to contact her and have coffee.  This alarmed me considerably.  I am a principled man with very high values and I do treat marriage very seriously.  I recognized quickly but I had some sort of connection to this woman, a woman who is younger than myself.  Because I am a person who believes in clarity, I knew I had to address this connection.  I decided to talk to this woman about this connection. I felt just would feel better clearing the air even though nothing would be acted upon, I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her friendship.  To my astonishment she shared the same with me.  It was at that moment that I knew for sure, if I was going to save my marriage it would have to be now and that I would also need to move.  I could not allow the distraction of this connection to color my intentions of saving my marriage.  I knew that it would have to distance myself from this person, from this connection!

 

Once I was moved back to my hometown I made it very clear to my wife, through intervention, that the negativity and whatever pain she was holding inside needed to be addressed.  I let her know that if we couldn't deal with this, then we had no deal when it came to our marriage.  I told her I loved her, but I did not love what she had become.  Some people can reconcile this type of change, I can't.  I live my life believing that what you give to the universe it will give you back 10 fold.  I have lived a very fortunate life, some would say unusually lucky.  I have worked hard all my life to ensure that I don't keep toxic people in my life.  I refuse to let others siphon my energy off.  My energy is there to give not for others to take.  I am not here to make someone happy, I'm here to celebrate their happiness.  The bottom line is my wife needed to take care of her problems because I can't take care of her problems.  Her problems are not mine to own, I am however here to support and encourage her on her journey to a place of joy.  It was with that intent in mind that I pushed not an ultimatum, but a choice, a choice in which she had to make the decision of what way she wanted to live her life. I shared with her what my decision was, my decision was to live my life in a positive manner.  We all have challenges, we all have down days, but those days don't drag into months and years.

 

You must understand that over those first three years of six we would talk about the negativity and she would start out on her journey, but would never finish it.  When we moved back was when it was the most serious.  She either had to deal with the negativity or live her life without me.  She chose to deal with the negativity.  She made great progress in the first four months (The longest amount of time she'd ever put into this exercise).  I was so hopeful, the emotional connection began to come back.  I knew once the emotional connection was in place the physical connection would not be much long after.  We bought a house, a house that could be renovated and made the way we would like.  Things were looking very good indeed.

 

It was not long after the house was purchased that the decline began.  The same cycle as before.  It was slow at first barely noticeable, mostly because our minds and hearts were into this new endeavor, the House, the future.  Slowly she began to identify herself with the external once again.  The talk about internal feelings ended and the connection that once started was now again unplugged.  It was during this time of the decline that I was back to the city that we were living in before we moved home.  I was there only for short time for meetings, basically in and out of town as quickly as possible.  It happened that a friend of mine was at the same conference for meetings. She mentioned to the woman I used to have coffee with (the one I had recognized a connection with) that I was in town.  Once contacted by her I agreed to dinner.  I was curious to know if there was still a connection, if there was someone or something out there that wanted to be with me to know me and to enjoy who I was.  I fully expected after being away for two years from this woman, that she had moved on and found some wonderful person that she shared her life with was eager to share that detail with me.  What I did not expect, was an even stronger connection than before.

 

I could not understand why this connection was stronger, why I was so compelled to be near her.  Again my principles and values would not let me cross the line. All I knew is that I felt good and right to be near her. It was strange, everything was so fluid, so comfortable.

 

We went for dinner, a wonderful Italian place, exceptional pasta and a wonderful wine.  We talked, we laughed, a few tears shed and we got some clarity.  We had a wonderful server that night, she was warm, attentive and curious.  In the back of my mind I thought to myself how could this server be like this with us considering how full the restaurant was.  As we sat there talking enjoying our wine, our server asked us if we wanted anything more from the kitchen as it was closing,….. The kitchen was closing? We both had not noticed the restaurant was empty and it was just the two of us and our server.  We both apologized profusely but  she said there was no hurry and encouraged us to enjoy our wine and if we needed anything else just to let her know.  We told her we would just finish our wine shortly so she could go home.  She insisted that we take our time, she then paused and asked us how long we had been together,….   We both sat there stunned! As I struggled to gather my thoughts and words she went on about how rare it is for her and the other servers to see a couple so connected with each other, so in love,… I stammered and said that we were just friends, and that we just had not seen each other for a long time.  She looked confused at first, then embarrassed, and then she looked at us and said “sometimes people see what others refuse to, and sometimes people who refuse to see already know what is there, and that can scare them” .  She said it was obvious to her and the other servers that there is much more between us. We were both stunned and later, once I was on my way home, I thought it strange that she did not apologize, then again, I guess she just saw through us.

 

I left to go home that night.  The dinner, the server, and the truth lay heavy on my mind.  It has been almost 6 months since that moment in time.  I am now coming to the end of my rope with my marriage.  I have nothing left to give, the connection I once had with my wife is forever gone.  The emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are gone.  It's been six years since I've had sex, it's been six years that I've been sleeping with a friend without the fringe benefits.  I have come to the realization that I need more in my life, more love more fulfillment more joy.

Once I have finished all the details of this marriage breakup, I may or may not explore the connection that I experienced for the first time three years ago.  There are times that I really want to and other times that I don't.  I am so desperate to feel again, but something tells me that this connection needs to be engaged slowly and carefully or otherwise may destroy a beautiful friendship and possible love.

 

So where do I go to, what do I do?  I don't want to say that I am in love with this woman, not now, not with a fresh breakup of 13 years behind me.  Even though my relationship has been over for nearly 6 years, I need to shake off the residue of that part of my life.  Somehow I just want to make sure that when I explore this connection further with this woman that I do it with a clear mind and with great integrity.

 

Is it just my thoughts for now, just me rambling,..  Some think that a man should not be this sensitive or even concerned, some think you should just take your risks and run with them.  I just want to be loved both emotionally and physically, I want a woman that I can adore and bring untold pleasures and more importantly I want a woman to adore me and bring me the same pleasures.

 

I guess we will see where this universe will take me,…..:-)

 

Quickfree Quickfree
36-40, M
2 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Thank you both for the encouragement! It helps when other share their point of view and opinion. The journey continues and I find myself completely emotionally detached. I am working hard to keep my head straight and focusing on a new part of my life. I will continue to share stories on this as time progresses so that others can see this struggle to happiness. Thanks again,.. And keep watch,.. Much more to come.

You deserve a hell of a lot better than you're getting. I would drop everything and get back to the city ASAP to find your new love. Your wife is sadly of the mind that things shouldn't change, and so you need to change them for her.<br />
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You are very blessed to have such wisdom and clairity of analysis, although I'm sure it doesn't seem that way now. If you are honest with your wife about what you think of your relationship and that you need the kind of connection that she can no longer provide for you, your way will become clear. You have been given a time to grow togther, now is the time for you to grow seperately.