Getting Over A Controlling And Emotionally/verbally Abusive Relationship!

I met the love of my life (so I thought) He was perfect! He cooked me dinner, cleaned my house, bought me flowers for no reason. He would call to say he missed me or loved me. Always wanted to know how I felt and how I was. He never missed a beat he was PERFECT! But now I should have seen the signs....we were together 2 weeks and I let him move in! First of many mistakes. He sent me to the store for a mop I was specific when I asked what type of mop he explained to I went and got it when I returned, it wasn't the "right" mop and he said "i guess i have to get things myself" I was what I made a mistake. He told me that if I didnt listen to him then why were we in a relationship? I broke down and cried...I begged him not to leave me over a mop and that was the beginning of me losing myself! For the next year I went from happier then I have ever been one day to miserable the next day and by about the 10th month of our relationship I was crying when i got into work, crying on my way home, in the shower, and in the middle of the night. I prayed to God to help me and I never got what I needed. I wanted to please him or not live. And many times I seriously thought about how to do it. He had me so screwed up i have stabbed myself in the leg, tried to cut myself and even hitting my head on the wall or stairs(like a child) He would yell at me or make me so small that I went out of my own body and my own control. There were a lot of things that happened inbetween and later i will talk about those..but now....
I left him..moved a protective order but I still think about him, I still miss him! How can I feel that way about someone who made me feel so horrible?? Im depressed...when I get alone I cry! I dont know how to get over him. I know its only been 4 months but i need to find myself and move on with MY life!
thiswordfallsonme thiswordfallsonme
26-30, F
16 Responses Aug 9, 2010

Hi I'm Yolande. My boyfriend of 6 months just started showing signs of abuse. I guess I should count myself lucky as to have picked it up early into the relationship. I find myself also attracting men like this. I keep asking myself why? The past few weeks he has been using the most disgusting language on me and thereafter playing the sympathy card for my forgiveness. And like a fool I forgave every time. However last night it happened again. Even worse this time over a torn pair of pants. Tears rolling down his face as he played the sympathy card and to my surprise this time I felt nothing, no sympathy towards him whatsoever. All I wanted was for him to leave and to never see him again. And this might just be day one of the breakup and let me tell you it does hurt and I do miss him, or at least I think I do. But I'm doing kinda OK. Its going to take some time to get over but I'm going to let it all out I started by deleting and blocking his number as well as removing and untagging pictures on social media. I have never felt so good. You ladies are amazing and so strong don't ever forget that. There is nothing wrong with us.

I just want to stay single right now and perhaps for a long time going forward. I need to get my life back on track.

I was slowly abused for 5 years, and found out he cheated on me for over 4 yrs. I had no idea this was going on. He picked a piece of me away everyday till one day last June he told me he didn't love me anymore. Then I started to cry a degree him to not do this, how could he throw away six years, what can I do to fix this. The abuse was verbal, mental, emotional, physical, controlling and sexual. He has everyone believing that I was cheating on him and I was doing all the wrong. He accused me of cheating for 4 yrs, and I didn't know that the accuser is the cheater. He was second relationship after a 23 yrs marriage. Which I left to be with him, I thought he was my soul mate, he completed me, took me on trips he is in the military, so I was able to go with him on some assignments, he would talk to me and we would plan our future. I helped look for military jobs for him to apply for so he included me on that. Needless to say he spoiled me, at Xmas he spent thousands of dollars on me and a less than a hundred on his own kids. It's been six months but he had me arrested for breaking the restraint order he set me up so I thought I was getting my things, but went to jail instead. But the next day he had a friend bring my stuff. I lived with him after selling my house, I thou b there we were making a life together. Once I sold it he wanted the proceeds to pay off his debt, I did not no way in hell give him the money. Can't believe he had the balls to ask for that money. But i still find myself missing him, working about, who is he with, why does it hurt? Some say its not him I miss, it's my brain coming off the abuse like coming off drugs. Your brain has to reprogram itself and that takes time and therapy. Military are the worst relationship ships, I completely recommend that no woman get Involved with military men they do no wrong and are perfect, they are serial cheaters and extremely abusive, plus the military will not help you they only protect them. And as do the local police they protected him when he assaulted me and i called 911. I'm still coming down from the abuse and i am leaving in April to get out of this small town and away from him. A new start for me is a must since my kids are grown and my house is gone I'm free to find myself. I hope one day I won't need to tell my story but then again I want to help other abuse victims. So maybe I'll keep telling it to help others. But i am going through what you are going through, missing him and loving him. It's the hardest thing to get over!!!!

I know so much how you feel sweetie, i just left my abusive relationship of 8 months and i miss him terribly. Everything was always my fault, i should have seen the signs as well. Just like you, when i met him, he was incredible, i remember thanking god everyday for him, my life had so much joy and happiness that i was bursting. But it didn't last too long. One day i came home from work, exhausted, apparently i sigh and made some kind of face and he literally went crazy on me, he berated and belittled me for hours on end until i was a crying, shaking mess,,,i guess i always knew it wouldn't work out, but i loved him, i still do, it eats me up so much that i have no idea how to go on right now. i got most of my things out of there because we had gotten into a serious fight and he kicked me out, stupid me, i went back to get my things and while saying goodbye to my cat i broke down so bad i could hardly breathe and he just stood there cold as ice. We talked, or rather i should say he did and it was all my fault, he never in 8 months admitted that he was way out of it on too many occasions, he would tell me 'the reason i have to talk to you for 5 bloody hours is because i have to so you realize how much you were in the wrong'. A few months back into the relationsip i started taking anti depressants and tranquilizers because i couldn't cope with life anymore. We tried talking again tonight and it blew apart, he told me to pick up my belongings while he was there because he already changed the locks. This from someone who has the nerve and audacity to say he tried everything to make me happy! All that's left there is clothes, and as far as i'm concerned, he can keep them, i'm not going there, i refuse to go there while he's there only to abuse and beratte and belittle me all the more. The night i met him, i never in a million years thought that i was actually shaking hands with the devil. I hope he realizes what he had and that he was in the wrong and if he doesn't, i hope the sob rots in hell and gets his in everyway, because he made my life a living hell. SO yes, everything you wrtoe resonated with what i'm going through. It's more than normal for you to miss him, you will for a while hon, but with time, you WILL get over him and when the time is right, you're going to meet someone that will treat you like a queen and love and respect you the way you deserve. Until then, know that you're not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to, i'm here for you, together we'll get over these idiots, so hang in there! I'm sending you lots of love and hugs:)


That was my life too. I think what we write is the story that we all have lived. Our lives are the same. The men that do this blame us for everything and do not show any remorse or emotions, they are considered a sociopath. It my therapist to tell me what he is, an it's not my fault but it still feels that way, I find myself the king of him and crying. I hate this person I've become, because of him. I can not get him out of my brain , he is there all day evryday.


I know exactly what you went through. My verbally abusive boyfriend just broke up with me. Well we broke up a few months ago, but he was still there trying to manipulate me into thinking that he was the only guy that would ever love me & he wasn't letting me live my life. I would go out & he would constantly be texting me & telling me to forget about him because I was moving on & meeting new guys. So let me start from the beginning... It all started a year ago. I remember seeing him out before meeting him & thinking he was the most handsome guy ever. Then one night I was out with my best friend & he randomly came up to me & we stayed talking & laughing the whole night together. I was in such a good place at the time. Of course I had work stress & a few family problems, but I had just moved out & living with my best friend. I had a new take on life & learning how to be independent. So when I started to date him I was the happiest girl ever. He was the absolute sweetest guy & did everything that made me happy. We would spend every single minute together & I fell in love with so quickly especially because we had so much in common. I was head over heels & beyond happy. Then one day everything changed. I had to go to an event for work & told him to go with me. We were having a good time until my best guy friend started texting me. He said that I was putting my best friend before him & he just left me. I went home, couldn't stop crying & I was calling him begging him to forgive me. Then 2 hours later he showed up as if nothing happened. He looked happy so I decided to ignore what had just happened. A few weeks later his birthday come up & we decided to go out with his friends & to a concert. A few months back one of his best friends had tried to hook up with but I obviously wasn't interested & nothing happened, but I think he always believed that there was something going on. On the night we all went out, he saw me talking to his friend & everything went to hell that night. He left alone & made it obvious that we were fighting, so I decided to ignore him & just enjoy my night with my friends, but I got very drunk that night. When I was ready to go I texted him telling him that I was going to wait for him in the car because I had his keys. He showed up furious yelling at me & saying the most hurtful things ever. All I said was that he shouldn't be insecure when it came to his friend & he completely blew up on me telling that he could go sleep with any girl he wanted. I kept telling him to stop but he kept going & going. So when we got to the stop sign I told him to let me out so I could walk home, but he didn't listen so I changed the gear on the car. He got mad, started to hit the car & got out. I couldn't believe what was happening then I felt the car starting pull back. I tried to jump to hit the breaks but I crashed into a tree & completely messed up his door. To make things shorter, he went crazy on me & blaming me for everything & telling me that I was crazy. He dropped me off & he left his car there. He hit all my weak spots & I was such a coward that I overdosed on pills that night. It's a blur but I remember him coming back to my house & making me throw up. He stayed with me at the hospital the whole night & begging me to forgive him. My parents & sister instantly hated him after that incident & it became so stressful for me to be dating him but have my family hate him at the same time. There were so many incidents after but I kept going back to him over & over again because I really thought he was the love of my life. In the end he scared me so much & he threatened me constantly. I ended up going to the cops & changing my phone number. I didn't hear from him for 3 months & I missed him sooo much regardless of everything that happened. I was so dumb & ended up getting back together with, but I kept him a secret. Only my closest friends knew. I know he loves/loved me, but it was the unhealthiest relationship ever. He knew was my biggest insecurities were & he knew what buttons to push. I know it was my fault because I got back together with him knowing that he hadn't changed. He completely ruined me & ruined my soul. I don't know myself anymore. He made me be someone I never wanted to be. & now I'm the crazy one according to him & that I need help. I don't know how to keep going. I can't let someone like that ruin me. I have so much going for me. I'm about to turn 26 & I own my own business & I have so many business ideas to hopefully make it better & he's a nobody. He's older than me & still doesn't know what he's doing, hasn't graduated or anything. How could I believe someone like that would give me a happy future if he doesn't even know what he's doing? How could I let someone like that make me feel so small? How have you kept going? I need help.

I just got out of a seven year relationship that is similar to what you are going through. You're story reminds me of me. I have everything going for me and I let a scum bag take away seven years because he's insecure. It does hurt like hell but I don't think the pain is letting him go cause clearly we chose to them go cause they are no good for us. It's the betrayal and the cruelty and it's hard to understand how people can be so cold. When I met him he had NOTHING. No job, money, credit, car. I turned him into the half a man he is today cause when I met him he wasn't a man. I stood by his side through it all and all I got in return his mentally, emotionally and physically abused. Men like this are sociopaths and they feed on women like us cause our intentions are pure. What keeps me strong is I know the next guy cannot possibly be worse than him. I have faith that in time we will get over the damage they did to our minds and souls. I know I gave it my all, gave more chances that he deserved and he was only luck ******* to have met me and he'll never find better. Be strong, give it time. Keep yourself busy. I know it's easier than said cause I'm going through it too so when I need to cry I let it out and honestly sometimes afterwards I'll think of his pathetic life and how blessed I am with my life and I just laugh at myself cause he does not deserve a single tear. I have faith that karma will get him and the next girl will do all the things that crazy psycho accused me of doing to him when the truth was he was doing it to me. I have faith that in time, we'll look back and be disgusted in the men that abused us and never look back. He broke me to the point I was desperately looking for a therapy resort that I can focus on making my mind stronger and have no access to any technology or the outside world. I realize sometimes its really not being hurt over us not being together cause like I said I"m choosing to end the toxic relationship it's the pain of someone taking advantage of the good in me which is just plain disgusting and evil. If you need someone to talk to reach out to me. Like you I kept it a secret from my friends and family and I think that made it harder cause I have no one to support me.

Excuse all the typos. I'm tired and everything he put me through literally physically and mentally drained me.

Thank you for sharing your story. I truly felt alone for the last I don't even know how long we got together before Christmas and since then it's been nothing but down hill I finally got up the courage to leave him because he threatened to break something of mine again I'm honestly I was scared he was going to hit me. Ihad taken him back after he's done that to me before. I don't really know what made me snap and decided I had to get out of there. I left came back some friends and he just non stop makes me feel like its my fault that everything happened. the worst feeling is that I should have known what kind of person He was. I feel like I've betrayed myself I've had a friend that was in a really bad relationship similar to this and I could never understand why she always went back to him. I I took days of verbal abuse him calling me a liar cheater Telling me I had messaged people on my phone when I hadn't. Or just the most random things. But I left and I am so lost. I miss the good things about him but it's the bad that keeps me from going back again. I m so lonely nobody around me understands and I don't have anyone who can relate. My friend who had a bad relationship just says it wasn't as bad as hers. It makes me mad cause sge wasn't there. No one was I was alone and he took my love for him and used it against me even now he does. He messages me everyday saying how sorry he is and if I loved him I wouldn't just throw it away. It kills me I ve deleted all social media quit a job and even won't tell anyone where I live.hes still does the 180 where one min he ll be all I love you and the next is the guy your with is going to be kissing my boots. Which is just him trying to get at me I k ow that now but it scares the living **** out of me. Cause my friend I m staying with isn't even here. I know I have to delete my number but I m just being stubborn I don't want to give up anything else for him. I ve lost friends, and my family are constantly saying don't respond. And I just want to be like ya you get 40+texts a day your vm is Constantly full to the point I don't even bother listening to them anymore. And not respond with something. And worse is I broke yesterday 8 days of completely ignoring the phone texts. And I had a weak moment and just told him that he broke my trust and I will never get over him verbally and physically hurting me. His response to this is well I must want him back. Even though I ve left he makes me feel so weak and helpless to the point of I don't leave the house unless I have to. I ve seriously thought about leaving. I have no support here and honestly I don't feel safe. Any advise on how to get by other than 1min at a time would be helpful

Honestly I've been keeping myself very busy with my career to keep my mind off of it. I think of all the bad he did and ignore the good times. The bad outweighs the good so in my mind the good doesn't exist cause it was just a play in his game book to keep me around. As you posted this he was calling me begging for me back. Mind you, he has a girl friend that chooses to ignore what I have to say about him even though everyone tells her that he always comes running back to me if I will accept him back. He doesn't come back to me out of love, it's possession. He can't handle it if I move on and find someone that will treat me right. He tried all night to come over and I said no. He doesn't deserve any more chance to try to manipulate me. I don't even know how I feel about him because it can't be love. I truly think it's like a drug and I need to ween myself off of. I am at a point where I have distanced myself from all of my closest friends but it's because I'm reflecting on my life, the person I am and what kind of people I need in my life. I bend over backwards for people and yet my friends were not supportive. The way I see it, I'm not broken, I'm rebuilding myself to become a stronger person and the only way to do that is to seclude myself from people and focus on me and what I want. I promise you, in a year if we both stay strong we'll look back at this and be disgusted that we ever put up with the crap. Every time I went back hoping for better it got worse. Stay strong. If you need someone to talk to or text for support inbox me and I'll give you my number.

Hi i just got out of a 4 year abusive relationship i lived with him for 6 months and moved out bc he slapped me he was verbally emotionally psychologically intellilectually sexual at times disrespectful text disgusting things called me paycho when didnt move back in with him he was mad saw him for 3 years after that he went with another woman lived with her 2 seperate 30 day periods she told him to leave we bc allies she is with someone else she help me my family thought i hadnt seen him for 9 months i snuck and saw him e eryday bc he want see me everyday and if i missed a day he wouldnt threaten me to stray he did cheat by that other woman he said i want 100 percent you not yr mom controlling you move in with me it was always about him he only cared about himself he never really ask me how was i today my feelings he said hw would stray if i didnt fully committ and he went with old friend who he saw when he first met me but had dump her and now reconnected by class reunion he saya he loves me ans if i miss him enough by not seeing him ill thwn committ he start seeing her when i missed two nites and he had vacation for one week and took her saw it on fb then hw threw it in my face and told me thinga make me jealous he kept txting telling me ought to be happy for him bc she cares for him and will 100 percent committ and he loves me more than anyone unfortunately and miss him enough ill come back and committ i changed my number 3 days ago finally biggest change finally did it he broke my pinky finger in initial start of rel then hurt my hand again by door but said that was an accident 4 years of distress and power and control and manipulation and lies and incessant mind games please god want to heal be happy and find a man that will respect keep me safe and most of all love me for the wonderful person i am and his rel will end in disaster hw took so much and the less suffering i have less he is winning

This is a late response but girl, I really hope you're doing well. The fact that you were brave enough to share your experience and use your voice is so healthy. It's good to talk about it. I thought after my abusive relationship ended that I shouldn't talk to anyone or tell anyone how bad it really was and the ****** up things he said and did to me because I thought everyone would just think I was a dramatic *****. But I'm pretty much the opposite, and sharing with TRUSTED people is one of the most wonderful and freeing experiences I could find... If you do not have a good and healthy support system, create one and start with yourself. You're ******* sexy. Don't forget that- you're strong and independent and you WILL get over his bullshit. You really are worth it. We all are. I kept going using a lot of humor. Which may sound futile when you're really in the throes of missing him. But time is your best friend. Truly REMEMBER how you felt at your worst to realize that no matter how wonderful Dr. Jackyll was, Mr. Hyde is ALWAYS. Going. To be there. Don't forget it but do forgive him anyway and forgive yourself for allowing him to treat you badly. Don't be angry at yourself or him. You have to give yourself a fresh start. For me, no contact is the best. I blocked his number and I blocked him on Facebook and he has texted me from other numbers and I just block those numbers too and ignore it. A healthy person doesn't do what he does. Don't disrespect your gut feeling. Get in touch with your wild woman intuition, let her take care of you and let her help you remember the reasons he isn't in your life and make sure you're passionate about something YOU care about. It's awesome you have a business! Grow it and nurture it and take no more bullshit from people! You are probably a nice person. Don't worry about what others think. It's only important that you focus on and know you do your best to be a good person. Don't let him or anyone else belittle you. When someone gives you scissors, USE them to cut them out of your life. Be strong. Be curious and open and excited about your life and future,, just don't wear a wishbone wear your backbone should be. Go girl.

5 More Responses

I know how you feel. My bf that I'm in the process of leaving has constantly put me down and posted all of our arguments on Facebook so his friends and family can openly trash me. And if I say no to sex because I'm not well he says he will find someone who will give him what he wants. He hits walls and blames me for his actions. I know in my heart that I have to get out. I've been threatening my own life over this guy. I need friends more than ever now.

Get out now do not wait, it is not safe or healthy Im Speaking on the recent experience please get out.

My emotionally abusive ex always told me he could just ********** when I said no to sex. He always wanted me to feel replaceable.

Well...I have read that the Controlling person (c) is always attracted to a People-Pleaser personality. The people-pleaser (pp) may go to any lengths to please anyone, even if its against his/her conscience. Each time a pp does something against their conscience (does for the sake of love/ because people may feel bad feeling) they feel bad, finally they explode and there is a big fight. I am in such a relationship where I am the pp.<br />
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If you think you are emotionally abused by this controllers, I would say stand up for yourself. When you speak to a controller speak very calmly don't over react to start a quarrel. When you are asked to do something, tell him/her you do not want to do it (if you really don't want to do it or better tell him/her we can do it together)<br />
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Tell them what you will or will not do...they may make u feel bad...don't worry that's how they are wired. Don't ever give in to stupid requests or they will take you for granted. It is said that the cycle of 'love-taken for granted-tantrum' will repeat if they know you will give in.

I was called a ***** the second to last time of coming back to town.. I slapped him, he slapped me back and I packed my bags, he had to drive me into town then I gave him all the cash I had b.c he needed gas money. This last time he owes me about $500 and he was pushed over the edge by me telling him "No I don't need to give you gas money" He tried to tell me some b.s about how he spent all this money on coming into town to see me, when he was coming to town anyhow to work.. I never knew where any of his cash would go he would spend like crazy and I even had to buy us food which went bad and we were starving in the woods :/ no wonder I was cranky... I felt like a slave.. and the bee's were attacking me. I really hate bees that's all I said :[

I have just been dumped by a controlling boyfriend-6 days ago. I have lost 5 pounds since then-I can't eat, can't sleep and I have been crying sooo much and just staring at nothing feeling hopeless and depressed. He started just randomly saying very critical and offensive things to me about myself out of the blue and would say this was connected to his depression/anxiety problems. He dumped me before actually, then came back the next day. But he's just started something new in his career and so have I and this started a long session of him getting annoyed with me and me crying then him apologizing the next day/hours later. He said it was stress/cause I'm closest to him/he's lashing out and he always said he'd never do it again and we'd make up. But this time he just met up with me in public and put down everything about me saying this is why we are not compatible and this is why we must break up. We have a lot in common actually and like the same things largely. I have been in a world of pain since he dumped me. My brother passed away not long before we started going out so I thought I had some happiness in life when I met him but that has all been ripped away now so it is agony. He has treated me so badly. But yes, I too still miss him. I am concentrating on myself for now (as best as I can) cause I know I may feel differently about him as time goes on. So it's a good thing really. I would like it if he came back in a few weeks and realized he had a problem and had made an attempt to deal with it or something. But I have a horrible feeling he won't, he'll just live his life going into relationships, slowly tearing the person apart then discarding them. It makes me very sad that this might be the inevitable. But I was told he looked very sad the other day by a friend so this has cheered me up slightly. I think I would say, I met a man who I love but he does not love me in the right way. Either he will realize or he won't. But I have given my all to him. It makes me cry that someone would just keep taking and taking from someone else. Nothing was ever enough for him. I'm going to get some councilling, perhaps this will help.

Sweet girl I know what ur feeling in two months I lost 40 pounds, cried for months. Mine is recent too. Please if you can find a therapist who specialize in abuse. It helped me and I'll continue. It's so hard to hear from others "oh it will get better, you will forget him", yes one day you will. But depending on the abuse and how long it will take time. Mine was 5 yrs and 4.5 yrs of cheating I found out last summer about the cheating, the abuse was slow and small and i defended him as an *******. When it ended it was the worst pain I went through. I'm slowly getting stronger and you will too. Just take time and breathe and i am here for you if you need it. You can contact me if you need it. Take care love and be kind to yourself.

I have never before heard a story so much like my own.
At the start, we were friends. He came to rely on me to boost him up when he was down. He told me that he knew he had strong feelings for me and that I was the gold standard, but that we "couldn't be together". He would hook up with and date other girls and tell me about them and compare them to me. I was confused and dejected. When he was with me, I was elated. When he wasn't, I knew he was with other girls, so I was anxious. When he was telling me about the other girls and comparing them to me, I was confused. I couldn't understand why, if I was really the best girl for him, we "couldn't" be together. Eventually, I told a couple friends about it and realized the situation wasn't OK. I told him to get out of my life. He suddenly decided we could be in a relationship after all and reeled me back in.
I was elated. I forgot what it felt like to hear about those other girls. I finally felt good enough to be his first choice.
For a couple months, things were amazing, at least on the surface. My ex would sing to me. He would kiss tears off my cheek. When he said he loved me way too soon, those little things made me believe it. Those little things were there, so I never realized that a deeper respect for me was missing.
He would regularly put me down, but tell me he loved me despite all my flaws. I started to feel indebted to his love. I believed he must have been amazing to love me through all of my "imperfections". These "imperfections" were never things I could actually change about myself. They were physical "flaws" or little things like the fact that I was a bit clumsy. He came to define me by these flaws.
Then came the turning point in our relationship. One morning, I woke up and realize the way I had been treated was wrong. All the negative emotions came rushing out. In the moment, he apologized profusely, but our relationship was never again the same. For him, I was no longer "fun". Then the deeply hurtful jokes began. Saying deeply hurtful things about my friends and family began. I was told I was boring, and that everything with me felt like a burden. I was told I was crazy and unstable for what I now realize are very reasonable expectations.
Instead of leaving when I should have, I felt inadequate again. I decided I was going to win back my boyfriend. He went into a cycle of hurting me more and more, deeper and deeper. Whenever I accused him of hurting me, I was always told that I was being too sensitive. I was told that all the abusive comments were "jokes" and that the fact that I couldn't ever take a joke was unattractive. At one point, he told me I looked like a *****.
I confronted him again. I told him the way he wasn't treating me wasn't love and that he would have to shape up and start respecting me. In the moment, he apologized profusely again. The next day, he texted me and wanted to break up. I asked him why, and he gave me vague reasons. He told me that my expectations weren't reasonable and that I was clingy. I begged for him back. He took me back. Again, I felt indebted to him. He blamed his behavior on his depression. He insisted that he was messed up, but that I was as messed up as he was. Again, I believed him. I supported him always and told him I would be there for him.
The cycle of his mistreating me, my fighting back, him breaking up with me, my begging for him back, and him finally taking me back as if doing me a favor continued for months. Then, last week, he dumped me for good. There was no real reason given. The reasons kept changing. He texted me afterward reminding me of my flaws.
My friends and family remind me that I'm an amazing person and that he left because he failed at making me himself. They tell me I should be glad that his toxic presence is gone from my life. They tell me I should love and respect myself because so many people love and respect me. I know somewhere all those things are true. But I'm still emotionally stuck wishing for his respect and his love and wondering why I wasnt adequate enough to keep it.

Also, I've lost weight as well. Both while I was in this relationship, and now that I am out of it. I was always underweight, but now even my size 00 jeans are too big. I want to see a counselor, but honestly, I don't know if it will do a thing.

1 More Response

I can relate :[ I'm in the same boat.. worst part was. I am a ********.. no not the dirty ***** type imma good girl just got sucked in and addicted to the cash and I like being there, people like me. I mean employees I could care less about the men lol.
Him and I got into stupid fighs I gave in b.c it was never enough and I never liked to argue. We would sometimes even be saying the same things and he'd stil be arguing about it! I resorted to thinking something was wrong with me! And even took meds for bi polar disorder! Eventually I was treated like a child and his excuse was I'm 20 and he is 29.. bull sh!t !!
I'm so screwed up now, I've quit my job a few times for him. Broken up with him and got back with him, last time we were in the woods at his unfinished cabin and he made me do all his chores and lifting huge boxes while he sat there and apparently I complained too much.. so he broke up with me the next day when we FINALLY got to go home. I just did his chores b.c I didn't think he'd let me go home :/
I'm so broken now and I'm just tryinng my best to stay positive!

When I got with my boyfriend I honestly thought I had met the love of my life. He was wonderful, so caring, understanding and always showering me in gifts. Then six months into the relationship, we were having a conversation and he randomly said: "You are just a ***** and a *****." We weren't arguing, he just came out with it and when I got offended he said he was joking.

I stupidly believed him and let it go. A few months later he called me a **** and slag. Again he was joking and I was "too sensitive". After that I was depressed all the time and was called "miserable *****" quite a lot as well as other more subtle put downs. He also started buying me whole outfits to wear as if he was trying to change me.He seemed to hate his ex-wife and wouldn't call her by her name, he called her "it" (that should have been my clue early on!!!)

We have broken up now and it seems unbelievable but I have only just realised now that this was abuse. I was so blind it's ridiculous. what makes me mad is that he presents himself as a very charming and nice man and people who know him, mainly women, were always coming up to me saying what a catch I had got and how lucky I was. I remember feeling uneasy when they said this but I couldn't figure out why, crazy as that sounds. Good luck to everyone and let us thank god we are no longer with these men as they are soul-destroying and make you doubt your own instincts and judgement. I felt like I was going crazy and probably would have gone crazy if we had stayed together. Ladies, if a man is particularly charming and seems too good to be true, please be careful as this could be a warning sign. We split up 6 weeks ago and now I realise I had a lucky escape.

I seem to go from one controlling, egocentric, needy, abusive guy to another. I seem to attract them. My ex kept me from my friends, told me what to wear, controlled the money, erupted into bursts of anger, accused me of things I didn't do, etc. He always threatened to kill himself if I left. When I finally did break if off - after his last bout of abuse, he followed through on his threat. He hanged himself, and knowing I'd be the one to find him, his last see-what-you-made-me-do antic was a carefully planned suicide where his body would be right in the door as I came in. I KNOW it was planned to be that way. It was his lesson - "I'll teach you to leave me!" I felt guilty, hurt, destroyed and it took me a couple of years to even begin to be myself again. He took so much away from me and now all I can feel for him is anger. Get away now, if you haven't already. Controlling abusers never change and they love making you pay for not doing exactly what they want. I paid alright.

<p>When you were describing about this guy, I felt I was reading about my own boyfriend. I have been there and I feel for you dear. I was in a controlling and abusive relationship. I changed from one happy out going girl to one depressed miserable girl. He kept me far away from my friends, my family and relatives. He even made me close my facebook account so that I wouldnt talk to my guy friends. And the worst thing, he made me quit college because he thought I would mess around with other guys or other guys would try to hit on me. So much so that one day he even cheated on me and acted like it was not a big deal and I should tolerate with it. At first when i met him, I felt like like there is nobody like him in this world and I would want to marry this man someday but when we started getting closes he showed his true colors. Sometimes, i would get so frustrated that I would yell at him and swear on him and he would punch me or hold my neck and almost choke me to death. If I said I wanted to meet my friends, he would say things like "either me or your friends" that he was going to leave me if I met my friends. I gave up everything for this guy just with one hope that he will change one day. But the truth is, men like these never change, never ever. </p><p>I finally had the courage to tell him i wanted to break up one day. He tried everything to threaten me or scare me but I didnt give up, I sticked to my decision although I was scared. Its been about a year since I havent heard from him but I still do miss him. I long for him at times, I miss how he used to love me. I think the reason we miss them is because we always expected love and respect from them but never got it in return and we still long for it. I still pray for his well being and hope everyday that he stays happy. I sometimes wish that he would suddenly change into a good man one day and come back to my life, but thats never going to happen. Its painful, its so painful that the only person you loved so much did this to you.</p>

As was I. We all are in the same story. I never thought this was abuse. Your story as well as others was my life. I had it all on a daily basis, u til I moved in with him then it is morning lunch and all night. I never did anything right, he kept a calendar of our Sex life and it was color coded, depending on what we did and for how long. He showed this to me a couple of weeks before my hysterectomy. This was the prior four months before surgery and I was in a lot of pain. But he didn't care about that only the fact that he was mad at how little Sex we had. Now I know that someone who truly loves you does not keep a calendar of sex.

you were dealing with a narcissitic boyfriend.

i know this is an old blog, but im going thru same thing. only my boyfriend had three kids and hit me. my mom was on the phone and she called the police, and even though ive blocked him from contacting me on fbook and phone, i still want to hear from him, even though i know he is out there already messing around with other women, having a grand old time, doing whatever he feels like, i want him here, i want him in my house, in my bed, not anywhere else and its starting to kill me. i dont know what to do and i am so not okay. i dont know how to get over this. he was amazing to me when we were just friends for almost four years, but as soon as we became more he turned into this person i couldnt believe i was trying to please and keep happy. he gave me nothing but occasional comfort. and it makes me crazy that i put so much into this relationship and he is the one who could care less. its too quiet..

I came out of a controlling relationship 6 months ago. I also became depressed and developed anxiety. I was living with him on the other side of the world. I hate him too. And often I miss him. But honestly, leaving him has proved to me I have strength and can be myself. I also often had suicidal thoughts but now I rarely have these. Get out if you can would be my advice. It's actually easier than you thibk. Life is better without them. You'll see.

How many of us are out there??<br />
I had the same experience. This guy turned my head around and I did stuff for him I would never do. I forgot about myself and no one could convince me that I'm doing a mistake. At the end I realised that he would never change his controlling abusive behavior, never and for no one!! He likes it, it gives him protection and power. He will never let it go because without it he's nothing. So I left, not without bruises (inside and out) and I feel lost now. I miss him, I hate him, I want to know all the answers I will never get, I want revenge, I want to stop living, I want to evolve,... So many mixed feelings!! I'm lost and alone but at least he's not controlling me!! I know you are confused, but mark my words: You will not change him! never. So think about changing your own life before you find that you no longer have this option.<br />
I wish you all the best and mostly to find yourself again!!! Good luck!

Oh my gosh, not to sound creepy, but I just want to hold you! I hope you are doing better! I am in exactly the same situation, only I haven't left him yet. I too have thought sersiously about suiside. I've wanted to please him or die. I've wanted to be with him or die. I've literately spent hours thinking about taking pills, I've sat in the bathtub with exacto knives trying to talk myself into it. I've cut myself (something I have NEVER ever done before). He has me twisted inside out and backwards. He's always threatening to leave me. I NEED to get out, but don't know how. He's made me someone - something i'm not.

I can relate somehow with your story... I have the same partner and the worst thing is that he always threaten me that he will kill himself whenever we get into fights or when i attempt to leave him. It's just so painful to be in such a relationship. But i realize that i need to take care of myself and that i don't deserve such treatment. If he loves me, then he must learn to be gentle and respectful to me. If he TRULY loves me, no life should be destroyed.<br />
<br />
I think and really believe that you made the best choice. You respect yourself and for that, you earn my deepest respect.