Darkness To Light

I am trying as hard as I can to keep my head up, breathing, and continually moving forward. The end of my marriage is strangling me a little bit. I am struggling with the pain, even though it was my choice. I still feel numb, yet, I know that as each night turns into the next day, the sun will begin to shine a little brighter.

The thought about "what next" is a little stifling. I cannot imagine contemplating all that comes next. But it can't be worse than actually having the conversation that our marriage will be ending. I was sure that I was going to drown in my tears Friday night. Everything moving forward has to be easier than that.

Everyone around me is approaching me in such concrete ways, talking about what went wrong, what I need to do, how I should feel. I know they all mean well. But if people truly know me, they will see that none of that matters. People have to trust that I know this is right because I feel this is right. It is all about the feeling, and I have complete trust in all that I feel about everything around me.

A friend said to me yesterday that I had great courage. Really? Courage? I'm not so sure it feels like courage, but ok. But she did say something to me that stuck with me. She said that, in spite of all the words that swirl around my head from all those people who mean well, offering their advice, thoughts and opinions, that I found the courage to follow through with what my heart knows is right. It wasn't easy. There was no black eye to base my choice to leave. There were no issues like that. But I did find the courage to follow my heart in spite of there not being a black mark on our marriage. If that's courage, then I guess I have courage.

I absolutely have to follow my heart. I have to allow my spirit to find what I am meant to find, and to be where I am meant to be. I have to be strong in what I want because I know that I have forsaken myself for many years in exchange for things that were so much less than what fulfilled my heart. I have sensed, touched, tasted, seen and known ecstacy in life. Just in small moments though. I know what it looks like. I know what I search for. And I guess I have to go through hell to just get the chance to try and find it again. I've seen hell a number of times, and I still come out smiling. It's possible that I can do it again, and find myself happy for once in my life. I believe in the possibility.

Life has knocked me down so many times, but I continue to stand up again. If that's strength, then yeah, I guess I have some. All those negative forces aren't going to win out on me. I won't go down without a fight....and I believe I might win...hmmm.....I might just get everything I've ever dreamed of....